Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Really??? (regarding stbxh)
Yesterday was our appointment for a court hearing to see how our divorce progress is going. Apparently out of several couples that were there, we were the only one that actually filed and have custody agreement. We sat next together calm and relaxed the whole time. We will have another appointment in 3 months which should be our finalization date.
As stbxh and I walked out of the building together and head towards our vehicles... he blurted out "I wish we could have worked it out".
Excuse me?!?! I have been more than willing to work it out, stated clearly I did not want to divorce and only to have him repeatedly tell me weeks after weeks that he was sure of his decision and that there was nothing I could do. I was so happy being married to him and thought we both were and did not see this coming.
After telling him that we could have worked it out, but emphasize that he didn't want to. He then proceed to, "Its me, my mind is screwed up; I wish I could change myself but I don't know how?"
All I could say after that was "Its called therapy!?
After what he put me through, I can't believe he would say that. He has not yet taken the steps to try to work things out so I am not letting him back. But I am really sad and allowing myself to feel sad for real now. It is a step by step thing but I need to miss him, I need to feel all those pains, I need to mull over wonderful memories of us and cry that they no longer will be, when I am done crying and mulling over everything, then I will let go. I am not sure how long it would take, my heart hurts more than ever. While this is not fun at all, I have to say I am glad to know that I really do have feelings after all.
I've been crying in bursts while commuting, in the shower and etc. I did not shed 1 tear drop until 7 months after we separated.
I guess there is really no point but to vent and acknowledging that I entered a new phase in grieving. I know everyone is different but I guess I kind of want to share to ladies to please allow plenty of time before getting into a new relationship. I am surprised I am crying now, I never thought I would. Grieving is such a funny thing.
Re: Really??? (regarding stbxh)
There is a difference between saying "I wish we COULD HAVE worked things out" and "I WANT to work things out".
I am sure you didn't get married with the intention of getting divorced. I would say that just about everyone who gets married fully intends on honoring their vows and making their marriage work. I think it is especially hard when children are involved and a marriage does not work out.
To me it sounds like your stbx is saying "I wish this worked because of our children, because we intended to spend our lives together, etc" and not "I want you back, let's work things out". You could've tried for years to make things work and in the end it might not have worked out anyway. It sounds more like regret that things did not turn out the way he (and you) had hoped. It is probably his way of grieving your relationship.
My XH used to say things like that..."I wish this would have worked blah blah blah". I believe he said it out of guilt, mostly. He didn't want to put the work in and took the easy way out with a girlfriend.
It sucks because you still hold out hope that the person you loved is still in there someplace, but he's not. It's hard, but you have to read the real intention.]
((hugs))
I agree with all of you ladies. He definetly took the easy way out and no, he did not try his best to make the relationship work out, heck he didn't put in any effort.
Yes, he needs to grieve too and he is just as much as hurt as I am but no, he gets no credit for trying the best he could because he didn't and he knows it.
I would bet he says stuff like that because of that...keep your head up and take care of yourself. This is one hell of a rollercoaster ride!
I wish we could have worked it out does not mean I want to work it out now, and do all the stuff necessary to make it work.
He's an ass. And he'll always be one. He's not asking to get back together; he's just unable to face the consequences of his own action/inaction. Keep walking.
It's a hard stage to go through. Keep your chin up and allow yourself the emotions.
Guys are not always the smartest ones ... my xh found out I was dating somebody else and it must have made something click inside his head because he suddenly got very clingy and sentimental. Now he regrets getting divorced from me and "if something happens, and i'm not saying I want it to, but if it does, I am always here for you and would happily get back together with you." Barf. No worries there - I'm very happy where I am. Thanks though! He's going through all the emotions now - he didnt let himself do that before ... and he has girlfriend, they've been dating a year now I suspect.