Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
My mother loves to take the wind from my sails...
I am in Chicago and am moving back to Florida next month. I emailed my resume to a company in Florida on Wednesday afternoon and they called me Thursday morning for an interview....I told them that I wouldn't be able to get there for 2 weeks and they said get here when you can...
Dad's response: "That is awesome! I am so proud of you! You're getting the recognition you deserve for all of your years of hard work!"
Mom's: "Well, maybe they just need somebody! Don't get your hopes up! Remember when your brother went to (wherever) and filled out an application and they called him hours later?"
My brother and I are night & day. He's 39 years old, married & divorced twice, has lived with my parents for the last 3 years, has had numerous jobs over the years, hasn't been a very responsible person and my mother takes care of him still. I am a couple of years younger, have been at the same job for 13 years, I've been with my husband since I was 19, responsible adult, etc.
Why does she continue to do this? Is it jealousy?
Re: My mother loves to take the wind from my sails...
I wouldn't say it's jealousy. It just may be a "reality check" in that they may need to fill the job sooner rather than later and it might not be there in 2 weeks.
I'm not saying she should have said it - but that's how I read her comment.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
To me your dad sounds a little too positive and your mom not enough. You didn't get the job yet, you got an interview so your dad's response sounds a little too over the top, why not a "good luck? instead of acting like you already got it? You're mom needs a little more positivity but I actually think the "don't get your hopes up" isn't horrible advice.
I don't really know the background between you and your brother but it sounds like this is a completely different issue of you thinking that your mom values your brother equally or more? than you when you feel like you've been the "good girl" all your life and should be getting more credit than he is because of that. With parents though things rarely work that way. I get compared to my brothers in life situations all the time (even though we are nothing alike personality/responsibility-wise) my mom still sees the similarities though because no matter what way I look at it, we're both still her kids.
I think you should read Deborah Tannen's book "You're Wearing That?" about communication between mothers and daughters. It is really eye-opening! And it's not difficult to knock off in a few hours.
I read that as she doesn't want you to get your hopes up.
Plus, some of the things you mentioned obviously bother you, but whether or not your brother has been divorced 2x wouldn't matter to an employer when you fill out a job application, and having numerous jobs is sometimes seen as an asset!
My MIL is often like this-if there is a whiff of any change or we are going to do something that involves even the smallest amount of risk, she makes comments like this. One of her favorite sayings when we discuss possible future plans is "So much can happen between now and then!" H has ignored her for years and is pretty immune to it. It still bothers me because while it is good to appreciate the risk involved in things, you can still be positive about it.
It seems like your mom is like this as well. But what I am seeing here, and what I am trying to see with my MIL, is that they say these things because they do care, and they want to make sure you don't get your hopes up too high and are disappointed. It is a worrier thing. I don't think she is trying to diss you.
Thank you for suggesting this book! I just downloaded it to my Kindle and plan on delving in during my lunch hour. I love my mother to pieces, but she can have the same type attitude that the OP's mom has to her daughter.
Through my Therapist I did learn that I will never be able to change my mom and the way she talks to me, suggests, etc.. ( or as I would think, Nag, Nag, Nag, Disapprove). I am hoping this book will shed some light and help me change my way of thinking and seeing her side.
i see your dad as being too optimistic and your mom being too pessimistic.
she's right though. wrong way to say it, but right inclination.
I would be upset if my mom said things like that to me. My love language is 'words of affirmation' so it's important that people around me are supportive--not fake or over-zealous, but that they honestly believe in me. I wonder if the same might be true for you? If so, maybe it could help you understand why her words--which would slide right off of so many--seem to hit you so hard.
This.
Expecting lavish praise about an initial job interview is a little pathetic. Is this more about your mother's perceived preference for your brother even though you don't deem him as deserving as yourself? Some mothers dote on the child who makes them feel needed. Try not to take it personally.
What your mother said may have been correct, but she obviously hasn't learned that you don't have to say everything that pops into your head. And personally, I think she was unnecessarily bitchy.
Having some family members like this, I've learned that the motive is often just to induce discomfort. So, don't let her see that her comments make you uncomfortable. I would have replied with something upbeat and positive like "I'm excited to have an interview; lots of people send resumes and never hear a thing".
What a bitchy thing to say to someone. Personally, for something like that I try to not get myself too hopeful or excited about it. But if it's someone else, I don't tell THEM that! I say "That's great! I really hope you get it!" Would it have killed her to say something positive?
Maybe she's jealous. Or maybe she's a bitter person in life or something who's been disappointed one too many times and doesn't want you be disappointed about things too.
I'm on team "dad's nice but overreacting, mom's giving a reality check". Especially if your mom's comment came after hearing your dad gush like that about an interview.
One other possibility. If your brother has been flaky for some time, then your mom probably thinks of you as the stable kid she doesn't have to worry about. Now you're moving to another city without a job lined up yet, and it's shaking her world up a bit.
I think your mom should zip it and not project her worries on to you, but I think jealousy is a bit of a leap.
Your dad was over the top with his praise, you mom was just being realistic. It would have been nice of her to be a little more positive, but I'm guessing that she isn't normally an over the top praiser anyway.
Some parents can't deal with knowing that they raised and enable a deadbeat. So the better YOU are the more apparent it is to them that he is a loser that they raised/enabled.
Instead of recognizing you for your awesome'ness - she just hears the voice in her head that says what a terrible job she is doing with your brother. She can't separate the two.
Basically - every time she does that ... know to yourself that she is just doing it because you're awesome.