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*sigh* need some advice, maybe i'm just venting.
I'm a lot less social than I was pre-baby. Part of it was being incredibly ill for the first four months post-partum combined with some baby blues. The rest of it, I'm pretty sure, is just part of the territory that comes with having an infant and new responsibilities.
One of my good friends (she has a two year old) texted me about an hour ago, she doesn't know when she should "stop trying" aka inviting me to do stuff. Here's the thing...if we make plans to do something, the two of us, or our smaller group of friends I am ALWAYS in, unless we are out of town. But last week she invited us (DH, Georgia too) to go to the park with a group of people who all have boys the age of her son, then tonight invited me to a small gift exchange with 8 people, where I know her and one other person (I don't know the other person that well).
I can see why she's frustrated that I had to decline both of them. But honestly, running around a neighborhood park with other parents playing with their children, when our DHs don't know one another (and our DHs don't have anything in common) just doesn't sound that fun to me. In addition, we had a friend here for the weekend who flew in from AL to run the marathon.
As for tonight's invite, I explained to her that I"m just having to be picky about having David do bedtime and bathtime by himself. he doesn't mind, but I don't like to be running out the door so much when he's just coming in. I have to about once every two weeks for something or another. He's working 60+ hours a week. When he comes home I like to spend time with him as a family, then as a couple after G goes to bed. I don't mind being a hermit!!
I also have many groups of friends, and I try to accept invitations to get together with all of them, which means I can't say yes every time one person asks me to do something. I'm just much pickier about how I can leave the house now. And frankly, going to a gift exchange with people I don't know, leaving DH here as soon as he walks in the door, just isn't something I care to do
Is this so odd of me? I'm having some major anxiety over it, thinking that I should be going here and there and everywhere. Honestly, though, I go out to every single thing that I want to, I just don't want to do every single thing that comes along. KWIM?
Re: *sigh* need some advice, maybe i'm just venting.
I think you're doing the right thing and she is being kind of pushy & impatient. You have set your priorities, you know what is important to you and your DH, and you have to make social (all) decisions accordingly. I think that is what most people do...
This is coming from someone who is a homebody, prefers only the occasional social outing, and is happy as a clam with a Stella in hand, Domino's on its way, some Monopoly & some DVR'd Modern Family with my DH on a Friday night so take it for what it's worth!
Ye, yes, and yes! Pre-kids I was very busy socially with friends and work activities. When DD1 came along, that changed quickly. It became about prioritizing, not just my time as mom/wife/friend/employee, but also what made sense to attend with child in tow, hassle factor, etc.
Even now, as a 'seasoned' mom of two I stress a bit weighing out social activities. As I'm typing this a friend is pinging me to come do this and that. But I'm perfectly content at home with DD2 right now, getting a few tasks done.
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Like you said, I prioritize things I want to attend....anything else I either decline or attend only if the stars (and my mood) align.
I am always the one inviting people out, so I do not understand where you are coming from. I have friends who make an effort to come to nearly everything we do and I have friends who I see a lot less often. I am always happy to see people out, but I understand that not everyone is into it all the time. That being said, you need to do what makes you happy and not care what anyone else thinks. I am a happier person getting some time with my girlfriends at least once a week (same goes for date night with DH.) I am lucky because DH comes home around 4 pm, so we have a lot of family time even if I do go out at night. I would go insane without adult interaction.
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Before you have children you can just pick up and go to different events without a second thought. Once you have a child though you have so little time you start to really see what is important to you.
You have to be more selective in what you choose to do. Parents are trying to balance:
Husband
Child
Career
Hobbies
Friends
Extended Family
You should not feel bad about being selective. Maybe invite her to do something that fits your schedule. That way she does not feel neglected and you feel like your time is being spent doing something you want to do.
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I do have adult interaction, but it's with my friends who are SAHM/SAHW or who work different types of schedules. Most of my interacting with friends is 9-6, DH comes home at 7 we do dinner and G's bath at 8.
I do happy hour about every week or so...just with different groups of friends, I don't see the same people every week. I also meet a lot of my working friends for lunches since it's more difficult to do dinner. This particular friend works, so she's only available for happy hour, which I try to spread among everyone who is getting together.
Thanks for the responses y'all. I feel less weird now.
Good idea. I sent her an email back trying to explain that it was harder to just get up and go and apologizing for it, and I offered to bring lunch by next week so we could catch up (she WAH and doesn't leave for lunch). Hopefully that will smooth things over.
I applaud her for being able to go to every event at any time, but I like you can't. between my 95 jobs and everything else. I also feel extremely guilty leaving DH with DS so i can go out and have fun. Not all of the time but I don't want it to ever be excessive. He works a lot and with crazy high school kids at that.
If she is a great friend the idea of "not inviting you" to things would never have crossed her mind. At what point do people drop off her invitation list. That seems odd to me.
Most (not all) become less social after baby. Well, maybe the socialization is different. It is more group dinners and less bar hopping, for me.
But I think you have to find a balance. You & your H need to balance things together & apart. DH rides his bike and I'll go out for dinner or drinks or pedicures. Sometimes one of us has more events than the other, but it balances out.
I do think it is ok to say no. And I think the person inviting should have some understanding. Unless you're backing out at the last minute and it will cause some sort of inconvenience.
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OK, I didn't read the other responses thoroughly so forgive any repetition but... she is being crazy. While I totally agree that it's not worth it to keep asking people who always say "no," you've said no two times. That's not a pattern. hell, it takes what? 4x to make something a habit? sounds like she is being whiny.
One of the things I always say about having kids (esp to friends having their 1st) is that now you always have an excuse to get out of anything. So long as you have worked to maintain the friendship in other ways and have kept time for yourself when you want to, sounds like you are striking the perfect balance.
It also gets easier as they get older, but you always have to triage events when you have kids. It's just a fact.
I don't have any real world experience, but it sounds to me like you are doing a fantastic job of striking a balance among yourself, your family, and your friends. I will be lucky to be that successful. I'm not sure why your friend is flouncing so quickly on her efforts, but it seems incredibly unreasonable to me.
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I think she's being ridiculous, but this is kind of how life goes when people start families and move along. Your habits change, and sometimes it gels with friends, sometimes not. If she's going to be the kind of friend that stresses you out though... Maybe you need to tell her to stop asking.
The good supportive friends will always keep asking.
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I also get plenty of adult interaction -- most of it is during daylight hours. Workouts, coffee, lunches, playdates with friends...not to mention all the school-related activities (volunteering, cooordinating, meetings, etc). Thankfully, DH gets home at a decent time and is totally great at managing the kids on his own, if needed, so I also get time together with friends for happy hour, dinner, girls' night, etc.
I just mention this to re-iterate what others have already have said: we can still be social, but the times and places and nature of social time is just different (less spontaneous, limited time, etc) than pre-kids.
this is me! I crave adult time with friends and date nights with DH.
Kevin watched audric when I have girlfriend fun, and my mom or sis watches audric when me and DH go out.
I also love doing playdates with boy or girl babies.
Hey I will hang out with you and G if you need to get out some days eventhough we live far apart, we can meet up
this is me! I crave adult time with friends and date nights with DH.
Kevin watched audric when I have girlfriend fun, and my mom or sis watches audric when me and DH go out.
I also love doing playdates with boy or girl babies.
Hey I will hang out with you and G if you need to get out some days eventhough we live far apart, we can meet up
this is me! I crave adult time with friends and date nights with DH.
Kevin watched audric when I have girlfriend fun, and my mom or sis watches audric when me and DH go out.
I also love doing playdates with boy or girl babies.
Hey I will hang out with you and G if you need to get out some days eventhough we live far apart, we can meet up
this is me! I crave adult time with friends and date nights with DH.
Kevin watched audric when I have girlfriend fun, and my mom or sis watches audric when me and DH go out.
I also love doing playdates with boy or girl babies.
Hey I will hang out with you and G if you need to get out some days eventhough we live far apart, we can meet up.
Finding a balance is really hard. 14 months later I am still struggling with it!!
My DH works really long hours, too, so it is hard to meet up with friends. I have found that we are happiest if we can go out for date night once or twice a month and go out with our friends on our own once a month. That is way less than we used to, but family time is just so important that you have to pick and choose what you do.
I am not NEARLY as social as I was pre-baby. But that's ok. It has nothing to do with getting plenty of adult interaction - I get plenty of that at my full-time job, and multiple outings a week with friends and family. I haven't found a nice way to tell people, "No, I can't go out with you to such-and-such event, because GASP that is not the only event I was invited to this week." So, I'm not saying No to you and then sitting at home all the time, I'm saying No to THIS particular event, but going to many others. (Is there a way to say that without sounding snarky?)
I also have several "groups" of girlfriends, and it is hard to make time for all of them and feel as involved as I was before. I was always the "dependable one" - I was always there, on time, involved, etc. And now I just can't go to EVERYTHING. And you're doing better than me if you go to everything you WANT to go to - there just simply isn't time for me. So I miss things I would love to go to, and some that I'd rather miss anyway.
I think it is silly for when people think life isn't going to change at all when you add a baby into the mix. There is another HUMAN in my life now (a whole other person!), of course my life is going to change.
I think your friend is being rather dramatic. It would never cross my mind to stop inviting a good friend to stuff until they declined like 10 times! And definitely not if they just had a baby.
I also should have said this. The only reason to stop asking someone to do things with you is if you decide you really don't want to see that person anymore. What does it matter if they can't come twice or 10 times if you are their friend (obviously, you need to keep in some kind of contact to stay friends - like phone calls, e-mail, FB)?
ok, that is insanely annoying. like when you're trying to exercise regularly and someone says, "oh you can skip your workout ONCE, can't you?"
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Thanks, y'all. I woke up feeling less weird about it. We email or FB daily...so I would think she knows I value our friendship.
I guess the part that got me is that she HAS a kid, and just one year ago she wasn't able to go to everything I invited her to. She gave up other obligations like JL to make time to spend with him. I was just a little stressed that maybe I was saying no too much.
But then I thought about it. I love my girlfriends but my family, and especially my CHILD, are the main priorities in my life right now - probably forever. If I want to spend time with them or stay in so I feel rested the next day (especially if I don't even want to go to the event) then I'm not going to allow myself to feel any guilt about it.
And if anyone has any tips for me or Red_Dahlia on how to nicely decline without making them think we are sitting home lonely, I would love to hear them! When G was 3 months old she told me she was worried about me not getting out enough & that I should hire a nanny one day a week. I didn't know how to tell her that she's not the only person who invites me to stuff.
Also, I think I've been struggling with this...I didn't have to quit my job. I decided to SAH because I wanted to, with all my heart. I contemplated going back part time. I have been offered two really enticing very part time positions that pay extremely well, for what is being asked of me. I turned them down for a reason. I actually enjoy my days now, much more than I did before. I have a few working mother friends who just don't seem to get this. This is what I want to do. I'm not miserable by any means. If I ever feel lonely or like i'm not getting out enough, it will be my fault, as I have sitters and a DH who are ok with me going out as much as I need/want. Just because I SAH doesn't mean I sit at home all day.
Sorry for the long vent!
I agree (mostly) with this sentiment. Life happens, people adjust, needs/wants change. And over time, people will ebb and flow in and out of your life.
But I don't feel as though a good friend necessarily should always keep asking....I mean, if you were to turn down your friend multiple times over the course of a very long period, I would hope she would get the hint that you just don't want to remain as close. I mean, you?ve got to put forth some effort?.it can?t be completely one-sided.
But in this case, I definitely don't think you declining invitations a whole 2 times warranted her "when should I stop trying" comment. She perhaps is just a more high-needs friend. A friend who needs more attention & time spent on her than most. Hopefully she will adapt to your new way of life without you having to explicitly spell it out for her.
I personally don't have time for those type of more "high needs" friendships because I have a busy life, and many family/social/DDs school/work obligations to keep up with.
And personally, I feel no shame in declining invitations in order to spend time with my family. This is especially the case with social events that come up with my industry friends. I very rarely attend these events (if they are in the evening), as I honestly prefer to do things with my husband and daughter...even mundane stuff like shuttling my DD to dance class or ice skating lessons. And I'm rarely given a hard time about it, people generally respect my feelings on this because they know family is a priority for me.
I guess my point is, eventually you'll get into a groove and sort of set a precedence with your friends about how much time you are comfortable spending away from your family. And it may likely mean fewer (or different) invitations long term, but don't feel guilty in the slightest for wanting to spend your time the way you do.