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Am I really just too sensitive or is this really not normal?
So dh has a history of being verbally abusive and being chronically depressed. He seems to have come out of his depression over the last several months and has stopped being verbally abusive several months ago, as well. But I still have trouble thinking of staying with him.
It's weird. I think I stayed with him for so many years of his depression because I was afraid of what he would do if I left. Now that he is healthier emotionally, I feel like it's "safe" to leave, if that makes sense. Even though he has treated me so much better, I still feel like I am living with a form of PTSD from his treatment of me and for being his crutch for so long.
Anyway, we have been slowly working out the logistics. However, the other day, we had a "maybe we can make this work" conversation and I agreed to go to marriage counseling just one last time (we've gone to 8 or so different rounds of counseling over the last 10 years), whether to work it out or to make a separation/divorce more amicable and healthy (I'm not sure which yet).
I told him during this conversation and after agreeing to go to counseling that one of my biggest issues is that I don't feel he's ever genuinely apologized for being so verbally abusive to me in the past. I told him I didn't want him to just say he was sorry right after I solicit it because it would feel contrived. He said he feels stuck in a corner then and there's just nothing to do, but that he is sorry.
But then he followed it with this doozy, "I am sorry if it hurt you. But I don't think the things I've said to you would bother most people. I think maybe you're just too sensitive and should just get over it." Completely, completely negated any apology he had just given me and he had absolutely no reason to say it.
Am I crazy or was this a completely insensitive and wrong thing to say? Am I too sensitive and should I just get over it all since he's not really doing it anymore?
ETA: I just wanted to also add that the things he has called me in the past and said in the past are not things that could be taken as anything other than verbal abuse, so I know I'm not imagining it. He's called me things like "snobby a$$ b!tch, c#nt, f'ing b!tch," told me to get my "head out of my a$$," and told me I was going to drive us into bankruptcy for buying things like new bras when mine were in threads and buying a $75 concert ticket when he didn't approve the purchase first (a lot of our past problems have to do with him hoarding money).
Re: Am I really just too sensitive or is this really not normal?
Um, no you're not crazy, or too sensitive. You should be able to tell your partner your concerns without them dismissing or minimizing them, both of which he's doing.
You're not nuts. This needs to be addressed.
Really what he said is not normal!
It's ok to be "done," and have his change in depression / abuse be "too little, too late." You've put up with a lot.
Also, you have taken "ownership" of a lot in this relationship. He's trying to give you "ownership" of his poor treatment, and you felt responsible for your dh's actions if you left.
You don't need to hold the marriage together or to "help" him. You owe yourself first.
Yeah, I think that's why I feel most guilty about all of this is that he is finally (other than that recent comment and a few other minor issues) becoming the person I've waited for for so many years in many areas. I feel done but I feel sad about it. I like, very much, certain aspects of our marriage. He's a great dad, he takes good care of us financially in terms of security, he has never done anything to betray my trust, and he's very dependable. But we haven't had sex in months (not that I want to anyway), physical affection is rare (and I'm only recently realizing/remembering that I am a physically affectionate person who turned it off since I think am basically in the wrong relationship and not physically attracted to him. I don't think I have ever been, though I've never told him that. I know he genuinely loves me and I love him, but I have no idea if that's enough to keep going. I know it is going to break my heart to leave. I will mourn the good times that we have had. I just feel bad because I know he has worked so hard to overcome his depression and verbal abuse.
As is common with abusive men, he's putting the blame on you and not owning his inappropriate behavior. He's in the wrong, you're not. And you're right; he's not the least bit sorry about the things he said.
I was once in a relationship with an emotionally abusive man, and leaving him, while hard, was the best thing I ever did for myself.
It sounds like you and I married the same dovche, right down to the money hoarding. And for some reason they just don't understand that when they finally start acting like decent human beings, all the feelings of hurt don't just magically disappear.
My H never did anything to betray my trust either, other than continually promising to change and then continually not following through. Then when I was packed and ready to leave, he told me that he had taken all of the money out of our bank account and put it somewhere I couldn't get it. After two and a half years of marriage, he wanted me to leave without one red flippin cent to my name. So if your husband is the same way about money, do not put it past him to really betray you.
He will never get it. He doesn't want to. You are better off without him. Please believe that no matter how long you've been with this dovche, and no matter how normal you may now believe his behavior to be, there are really good men out there that would love to treat you with the respect that you deserve.
Feel free to pm me if you would like to commiserate. I know how hard it is to leave, especially when he's crying and promising that things will be different from now on. You don't owe him anything, including even one more minute of your life.
Not too sensitive. This is not normal. This is typical of people who hurt others and don't really want to be made to feel bad about it. He's sorry "IF" he hurt you? He knows he hurt you, you've told him often enough. But he's not taking responsibility for hurting you because, after all, you're just oversensitive; 'most people' wouldn't take offense at the dreadful things he said to you. And if 'most people' wouldn't be hurt, then he really didn't do anything all that wrong, and you're wrong to be leaving him for what is really a piddly offense (in his argument).
Don't get pulled into a side argument. You don't have to make him agree with you that his words really were hurtful; he doesn't want to agree, and he isn't going to. By sidestepping his role in your marriage breaking down, he's got you arguing about whether or not you're entitled to be hurt by what he said; which is nonsense. of course you are. This is not the discussion the two of you should be having, which is "I'm sorry I said such dreadful things to you. I will never speak to you like that again, and I take full responsibility for my ugly remarks. I will seek the help I need to keep myself from getting so depressed that I lose control like that". Which is what a man would say who really wanted to take responsibility for his actions and keep from engaging in them again.
This sounds done and over. You really don't have to stick around for more; but if you feel like you have to, by all means, knock yourself out. Remember, though, life is short; you're wasting the pretty on this nit.
Here it is: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html
OP - no, you're NOT being sensitive. And NO this is not normal. My first "real" relationship was an abusive relationship, and I felt these same things. I also work with survivors of violence and have written on the subject, and have seen this time and again. If you ever need an ear, whether it's to get perspective, vent, or get validation that your feelings are valid, feel free to reach out.