Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Really heartbroken...please advise.
I am a 30 year old single mom to three boys ages 10, 6, and 4. I had been dating a man 25 year old that was my best friend for 2 years...stood by me through my divorce, was with me through a lot. He was what I thought, amazing. We dated for a little over a year and it all came to a blinding crash this past monday. Im currently devestated. For the longest time I said..."I have 3 kids. Are you sure this is what you want? " His response yes, I love your kids. I'd say: "Are you certain you are ready for a family?" Yes...Im ready to jump into all that. He'd tell me he loved me on a daily basis. Tell me how amazing I am. Tell me how he could never picture his future without me.He 100 percent meant them. I know for certain.
He reassured me for an entire year. We talked every day. My kids loved him. I finally let my guard down after a year of dating and being completely in love. He was head over heels for me. Never an unkind word, always made each other smile...
3 weeks ago..I met his family
2 weeks ago...he asked me if I was ready to marry him. We talked about what we wanted in the future. It was identical. He told me he could not wait to move in together this summer. I said, "Sounds wonderful, but...we have to tell my crazy ex husband we are together" (My ex blamed my friend for the end of our marriage, but it was not his fault. My marriage was over before we met) He told me he agreed, and that he understood it could get ugly. But, he promised he wouldnt run. "I'd be chickenshit if I ran he said. People that love eachother dont do that."
1 week ago we had an awesome date...dinner and a movie.
4 days ago he came over to spend the night while the kids were at their dads... I answered the door. He hugged me and said I love you. It feels like ages since we saw eachother. Then he said I cant wait til the day I get to come home to you everyday. We ate dinner, he hung pictures in my living room. We watched TV, holding hands and holding eachother. We 100% were in complete love. It was real and genuine and the best relationship I have ever had. We never argued, laughed and talked all the time for 3 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Horrific part)
Then my ex barged into my house I left the front door unlocked...he started yelling and attacking my boyfriend. Blamed him for our divorce, and attacked him.
My boyfriend left scared out of his mind. Called me telling he loved me, but he had to think about things.
3 days ago... he said "I love you but I cant be with you. I would be in complete paranoia and thats no way to live." I was devestated. I understood he was shaken, but completely devestated he was breaking up with me for something I had no control over. I begged and pleaded for him to just think about things. The more I begged and poured out my heart.... The meaner he got (something Ive never seen before)
2 days ago... I tell him I got a restraining order against my ex and he can relax...he says its not my ex, its just that we are too different. His examples: He likes TV, I dont. He loves sports, I dont. I have sensory issues with metal and it drives him crazy. I dont give good directions.... I cried my heart out. All these things are ridiculous and stupid. He had never once complained about these "differences" I was in complete shock. I tell him I can change these things and we can work on these things...he says no. They can not be fixed... ???? WTH? In the past, he would laugh and tell me how adorable my quirks were...he never mentioned them as problems. I tried reasoning with him and then he tells me he thinks he never loved me, that it was puppy love masquerading as the real thing... (Again, Im dying inside, but I keep trying to reach my boyfriend) He then tells me to stop. I have no chance, Its over. Move on. I cried. He hung up. I wanted to die. I had NO CLUE how his feelings could go from forever to never in 48 hours.
Yesterday I left him alone. I didnt text, but he was texting with my son and playing words with friends...???
so this morning I texted asking just for answers to help me get over it. He said after he sat down he realized he mistook his feelings for love and that it would never work because we were too different so it was pointless to even try. I tried rationalizing with him...he got angry and told me he wanted nothing to do with me...we could be friends but nothing more ever and not to ever expect or to look for more.
So, I hurt pretty bad right now. My mind can not get past how wonderful we were for the past 3 years...how in love we were on Monday... how much everyone thought we were perfect for eachother, how we knew we were perfect for eachother... to how much I disgust him today.
Is this possible? Can you completely not love someone in 2 days? Im certain he did love me and it wasnt puppy love. I know that. But how did he just change? How can I move on knowing how much Im hurting. I just want him back. But I dont think it will ever happen... Im seriously dying inside.
Re: Really heartbroken...please advise.
Is it possible that after the interaction wtih your ex, he got scared to death and realized that if he continued to pursue a life with you, he would have to interact with this man for the rest of his life? I think it's hard to wrap your head around the kids, when you're 25 and (I'm assuming) have no kids of his own and then throw a crazy exhusband in the mix. I guess I wouldn't blame him for second guessing making a lifelong commitment.
Just curious, did you have any time to cope/grieve the divorce? Did you have any single time at all (it sounds like you got together with the bf soon after)?
My divorce took almost 2 years...I was separated for 2 and then the divorce took 10 months. My friend was with me the entire way. I was ready to move on and get on with my life.
I agree about the situation. Its just I made him really think before I let my guard down... I explained EVERYTHING to him, was very up front and even more cautious. He assured me he meant forever. He loved my kids.
Much as you told him, he did not really understand. And then, meeting your ex, he really understood.
He's twenty five. He was in junior high when you were married and reproducing. He has no idea what marriage really is, no idea what it means to be a real parent. He's been fun, loving, etc, but he is not ready to be married/tied down with three children, and certainly not with a violent ex of yours. You two are in different galaxies. Listen to him; he's telling you the truth. Time to move on. Quit asking him for 'help' in 'understanding'; you don't want help in understanding, you want to beg and plead and reason and hope that he'll be coming back if you just can talk him into it. You can't, and you're being cruel to yourself to try.
All i can think is - he is 25, he is young. Only 15 years older then your eldest child. I agree with PP, your ex coming in like that freaked him out and he's prob not ready to deal with that ...
He just got a huge reality check with you ex. And don't read too much into his reasons for breaking up; he may be afraid to say he's not cut out for you relationship anymore so he's trying to come up with "unfixable" things to lay blame on.
No matter what the reason, you're not going to be able to talk him into coming back, and nothing you do will change his mind. It's time to start moving on.
I'm sorry.