Do you ever think what you could have done differently after he cheated?

LucyDiamonds · January 2012

Hi all,

I've been lurking for a while and I finally decided to post. I really do respect the wisdom of you ladies on this board. Here is my question:

I've been reading your stories about having found out he cheated. I totally get that these men chose to do this and that is was not our fault as the cheated on. But my sister said something to me the other day that got me thinking. She told me to stop acting like a victim, and that--like it, or not---my actions or inactions contributed to the problems in our marriage. She didn't mean I caused him to cheat, but that I helped cause the rift in our marriage that ended with him cheating. It really got me thinking. In a lot of ways, she was right. I think that there are many things I did or didn't do that chipped away at our lives.

So here are my questions to you wise women. Do you think that cheating is a symptom of a broken marriage? And do you think there was anything you could have done to prevent it?

DorisWE · January 2012

I married a flawed man. He had cheated on his first wife numerous times with a handful of women. He was open about this when we first started dating. He told me he was sorry and would never do that to anyone again. I believe people can change and, stupidly, believed I was different. Fast forward a couple of years and I'm divorced because he was having an emotional affair the entire length of our (short) marriage.

Here's what I know for sure. I was not the perfect wife, no one is. The affair, separation and ongoing therapy helped me see my faults in the marriage. I wrote, at length, about them and admitted things that I was always too embarrassed/afraid/ashamed to admit. I talked to XH about these things at length, as well, and apologized to him for my wrongdoings. Thing is, he is a cheater. He does not have the ability to be faithful to anyone, because he?s got some demons that he refuses to fix. He finds women who are more screwed up than he is and he feels good ?saving? them. The OW in my story could have been anyone. If it wasn?t her it WOULD HAVE BEEN someone else. It?s not about her at all, it?s about him and his issues.

There is no way to prevent someone from cheating and I?ve yet to hear anyone who caused their spouse/SO to cheat. One of the things my counselor said to me that stuck was ?No matter how bad of a wife you were, you didn?t cause him to cheat.?

BowiesInSpace · January 2012

I do think cheating is a symptom of a broken marriage, but it can only take one to break it. The thing is, a person of good character will recognize that the marriage is broken and either work to fix it or end it amicably. A person of poor character ignores it and looks outside the marriage to feel good again.

Kasia&Mike · January 2012

DorisWE:

. The OW in my story could have been anyone. If it wasn?t her it WOULD HAVE BEEN someone else. ?

I agree w/ this..

PhoenixRising11 · January 2012

I do agree my marriage was not great before my H cheated. However, there are other steps he could have taken instead of cheating (such as talking to me about what was wrong in our marriage and suggesting counseling to see if we could fix it), which he did not. Therefore, I have no problem placing the ultimate blame on him. My mom was going through treatment for cancer when he went online and posted a personals ad on a website for married people looking for discrete affairs, and I certainly had things on my mind other than what was going on in our marriage.

JellymanKelly · January 2012

My husband never really wanted to be married in the first place and was basically living a lie for 8.5 years. He always wanted autonomy and would make decisions without consulting me, rarely treated me like an equal member of the household, and just generally made me feel like he didn't care. That led to be being an odd combo of desperate and bitter. In that sense, we both contributed to the crashing and burning of our marriage, but a tiny bit of honest communication from him could have stopped it all before it even started. I don't know how long he cheated, but I suspect it was off and on for 7 of the 8 years.

abear2 · January 2012

I agree with your sister that it is important to see the role you played in your broken relationship, especially for your to learn and grow from the whole experience and hopefully not make the same mistakes in the future. However, it only takes ONE person to make the conscious decision to go outside of the marriage and cheat. When a relationship is broken, there are always choices and cheating should never be one of them. It's okay to feel bad about what your husband did to you, but I agree that it isn't overly productive to continue feeling like a victim of it.

Sue_sue · January 2012

Most people don't cheat in an otherwise happy relationship. Yes, the blame is on the cheater for not working on fixing things or just leavinur sg first, before going out with others; but I see your sister's point. If your marriage is so miserable and empty that your spouse sees cheating as a way to feel better, you hold some responsibility for it getting that bad. (this is not the case with serial philanderers, and I'm not thinking this is the case for the OP) . Your sister sounds like a smart person and she wants you to see you have SOME role in this. which, if you can see it, and see where things went off the track between the two of you (which was long before he cheated, I'm thinking) then maybe there's a chance to repair this, or at least help prevent it happening in your next relationship. If the story is, you are a perfect wonderful wife and your dh is a filthy disgusting pig, some insight is missing.

dmarie979 · January 2012

BowiesInSpace:
I do think cheating is a symptom of a broken marriage, but it can only take one to break it. The thing is, a person of good character will recognize that the marriage is broken and either work to fix it or end it amicably. A person of poor character ignores it and looks outside the marriage to feel good again.

ITA. My XH and I grew apart. He had some past demons (including low self-esteem) and I think that plus us growing apart led to him cheating. However, I also heard rumors that he cheated on me our entire relationship so I could be totally wrong in what I just said.

I do think it was a learning experience for me though. I learned what is important to me and how to pick a partner who truly shares the same values that I do. Bottom line, you DIDN'T cause him to cheat. That was his decision. However, the relationship issues are the cause of both parties and that is something to look at and see how you contributed.

Sapphire70 · January 2012

LucyDiamonds:
Do you think that cheating is a symptom of a broken marriage?

No, I think a broken marriage is a symptom of cheating.

It's impossible to keep two love interests happy simultaneously. If you are with your girl/boy friend your husband/ wife is being neglected.

Do you ever think what you could have done differently after he cheated?

Re: Do you ever think what you could have done differently after he cheated?

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