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So is it bad to move the kids far away? (Sorry so long!)
See my post below for more details...
Now that I know my marriage is pretty much over, I am struggling as to what to do and where to go. Fortunately, I have job offers coming out of the woodwork left and right. Currently, I freelance full-time and make a really good living at it, but the pay is too unsteady to depend on. It's always feast or famine and I can't depend on that with my kids. I'll just lay it all out there since most people probably know who my real "persona" is on here anyway...
We adopted our younger son almost two years ago. He has an AMAZING relationship with my dh; they are two peas in a pod and love each other dearly. He'll go to kindergarten in the fall. My older son will enter his junior year of high school in the fall. He is my son from my previous marriage.
One of my job offers (and the one I am taking most seriously) would allow me to work from home full-time, pays incredibly well, but really wants me to live on the east coast (Boston or DC, but I have no desire to live in DC again...hated it there. They are flexible enough to allow me to live anywhere I want, things would be easier if I lived on the east coast for work travel and my professional opportunities within the company would be more prominent if I moved to the east coast). I also have a part-time freelance gig on the east coast that I could keep in addition to this full time job. It would allow me to be there to take my kids to school, pick them up from school, attend every event they have. In other words, I can work full-time but have the flexibility of being a SAHM when it comes to being there for them.
Dh is in the military and moving to a location on the west coast for the next two years. He may be deployed for a year of that time, but we're not sure. He is open to me moving to the city near his next duty station and that would mean the kids would only be 45 minutes from him. I have no desire to move to this city, especially since it would mean I would have to pack up and move in two years when his next duty station calls.
Dh retires from the military in three years and I am sure he will move to where ever we are to be near our younger son (older son will be in college by then).
The other option is to move home to Texas. I'd either move to San Antonio or Austin, near my family. This is somewhat appealing to me, but would hamper my professional opportunities with this potential job offer. But I know I'd be happy there. This would also allow my older son to be near his dad, but he's never lived with his dad and their relationship has always just been a couple of times a year thing.
Is it wrong of me to take the kids so far away from their dad? I'm not so worried about my older son. Even though dh has been in his life since he was six, he is not as emotionally tied to dh as our younger son since he has a "real" dad in Texas.
If I had my way, I'd probably move to Boston. I love the city, the professional opportunity is appealing, and I have a loose social circle there from having traveled there for work frequently. On the other hand, I've never lived there and it is a looong way away from dh and would complicate things in their relationship.
I am so torn. Sorry I am asking so much advice on here and looking for so much insight, but I do appreciate the input so much!
Re: So is it bad to move the kids far away? (Sorry so long!)
I would move to Boston.
Especially since your H will only be on the west coast for 2-3 years, and with a year of that being possibly deployed. Moving every few years is hard on kids, trust me, my father was a career Marine so I've 'been there, done that'
You need to set yourself up financially and it's in your best interest for your career to move. Let your kids get settled in somewhere that you're going to STAY so that they can have some roots.
And with the internet and skype and things like that your younger son could still 'see' his dad everyday (or whatever schedule you work out) and i'm sure he would get some vacation time that you could either allow him to visit you in Boston or make arrangements for your son (with or without you?? don't know about kids flying alone) to go out to the west coast to visit.
Yeah, it's definitely only a two year assignment for him next. If he were going to be there three or four years, it would be a no-brainer for me. But with him potentially only being there for a year of that, I don't see it as much of an option. I'm just concerned about the distance.
To be fair, I should say my counselor is encouraging me to move to be near dh, even if he is possibly deployed. She feels that the short distance, even if just a short-term thing, will help the kids adjust to the divorce.
I'm going to disagree with your counselor.
This is the 3rd time my H has left me... (yeah you would have thought i'd learned by now... anyway!)
The 2nd time I moved the kids 8 hours away and they adjusted to it easily (my son was 2 and my daughter was 11 days old when he left) We lived 8 hours away for 2 years and the kids were just fine. Moved back when he 'promised' things would be different, he'd realized how much we meant to him, blah blah blah... that lasted about 18 months...
This time when he left (kids were 3 and 5) I agreed to stay here so he could be near the kids and they are having a MUCH harder time with mommy and daddy living in 2 separate houses and WHY can't things be the same and on and on and on and it's been 2 YEARS now... and they are STILL questioning things...
Personally I would move the kids near your H. Obviously the opportunities and money are better elsewhere but I think your kids relationships with their dad is more important than money.
Until they are capable of affording to visit him on their own aka they are adults, it is unfair to them to limit their relationship. Since he might be deploying in a few years, it would be even more in their best interest to spend as much time as possible with him.
I think it is selfish to think that you having more opportunities to be a SAHM mom with a better paycheck and personal work opportunities will make up for them losing a close relationship with their dad. Just my two cents.
That's the whole thing. He's not deploying in a few years. If he deploys, it will likely be for a year, starting right when we get there. In other words, we move to a new unfamiliar city and he deploys for a year to the Middle East when we get there. it's about a 50/50 chance, but we won't know till right about the time he'd have to deploy. I can see thinking that the best decision is to take my chances, but I don't see it as a selfish decision if I choose to live elsewhere, especially when it comes to a man who spent the last 10 years abusing me (even if it was *just* verbal abuse and even if he never abused our kids).
Although I understand the dilemma of having your H possibly deploy immediately, I still think it is selfish to move the children elsewhere. Certainly verbal abuse is a good reason to leave this marriage but you are clearly vacillating over this decision for a reason. Obviously your counselor knows a lot more than we do about your current situation and she/he is suggesting you move the children to where your H will be so he/she believes your H's relationship with his kids will be a safe one and good for the children. If you move elsewhere, your children do not get a say and that is why the decision is a selfish one.
Perhaps there is a solution to the situation where you can hold off moving anywhere until you find out whether your H will be deployed immediately or not.
I don't know that I am vacillating over my decision for a *reason* as much as it's all I've ever known for more than 10 years. And yes, you're right...my counselor knows my situation more than anyone else, but she also doesn't understand the military lifestyle. And unfortunately, because of the unique designation of my dh's position, we have to live on base. In other words, I have to leave here when he does and either move on base with him at the next place or move elsewhere. If I move there, into the house on base, there's no leaving. And I can't live on base if we get a divorce. So I could potentially move with him, find out a month later he's deploying, and then have to move again if I want a divorce, or stay and be all peachy-keen to my military neighbors in happy marriages. It's not a position in which I can hide. I have to be "out there" and doing military wife things due to his position. I tried to hide at this base in that position, but it's not been possible.
"I don't know that I am vacillating over my decision for a *reason* as much as it's all I've ever known for more than 10 years. And yes, you're right...my counselor knows my situation more than anyone else, but she also doesn't understand the military lifestyle. And unfortunately, because of the unique designation of my dh's position, we have to live on base. In other words, I have to leave here when he does and either move on base with him at the next place or move elsewhere. If I move there, into the house on base, there's no leaving. And I can't live on base if we get a divorce. So I could potentially move with him, find out a month later he's deploying, and then have to move again if I want a divorce, or stay and be all peachy-keen to my military neighbors in happy marriages. It's not a position in which I can hide. I have to be "out there" and doing military wife things due to his position. I tried to hide at this base in that position, but it's not been possible."
It sounds as if you haven't decided one hundred percent to leave him yet and that is a lot more complicated. I absolutely understand that you have to be the "upstanding military wife" if you stay and what that means.
It seems as is you are definitely stuck between a rock and a hard place, not sure if you want to divorce and wondering what kind of a mess you will be in if you do.
If he is truly verbally abusive towards you and you feel so unhappy and think he will not change then maybe it would be best to move forward with the divorce. You could find month to month furnished housing where you are now and wait to find out whether he is due to deploy. If he doesn't then you can find your own place to rent near to whatever base he is going to in California.
To me, that would seem the most logical temporary solution and perhaps the cheapest. It might also give you some perspective and time alone without him.
Only you can truly answer what you think is best for your happiness and that of the children. I am sorry your situation is as complicated as it is and after 10 years it must feel very overwhelming to have to change everything you've known.
I wish you strength to make the right decisions for you.
Agreed. After what you've been through why should you continue to sacrifice for the man who did wrong by you for so long. DTMFA--easier said than done but you should start over and move, you deserve to be happy. If you have to live on base, that situation sounds insufferable and detrimental to both you and your kids well being. Take a line from the song, " I think I'll go to Boston, I think I'll start a new life"
I think you do everything you can to keep your children as close as possible to their father.
You married and reproduced with a military man. This is not something you get a do over on. You're divorcing, but that does not mean you get to just pick up and go elsewhere. And legally, at least in my jurisdiction, if you choose to leave when you have employment options that could help you remain near, this can have an impact on a contested custody situation. And if god forbid, he's deployed and killed? They've missed their last year with their dad.
This, plus YOU made the decision to bring kids into a marriage with a verbally abusive man.
Give me a break.
Blaming someone for this is NOT OKAY! No matter what kind of abuse was prevalent in a marriage, NEVER BLAME a victim for it. Just because someone had children with an abusive husband does not mean that she consented to the abuse, are to blame for the abuse or doesn't deserve to get out of an abusive situation.
Seriously, who the do you think you are?!?!
Thank you. And obviously you're right. I did not consent to it and I know I'm not to blame. I don't think I really even recognized it as abuse, but over time, he eventually started doing this in front of our younger child. And while it may be better for me to move to be near him (and I still might; it's one of the reasons I came on here is to get other opinions), I don't think it's fair to say that I have to move to be near him because I *chose* to have a child with an abusive man. That's just a stupid argument.
Unfortunately most people who have never been abused or dealt with it don't realize that there's a fog that clouds the perspective of the abused. It's not like they're coming at you with a sign that says, "Run now because I'm starting to abuse you at this moment!". It's a process or control and manipulation and breaking down the victim's sense of self that occurs over time.
How often do people say "Why didn't she just leave him" without understanding how hard it actually is to leave? Don't let some internet fool make you feel bad about having a family or staying in an abusive relationship. What's important is that you're getting out for the safety and sanity of your family, moving decisions aside.
You get 'em MCC!
Seriously Reysgirl, educate yourself before you speak. Your ignorance is showing.
I feel certain that this has a lot more to do with their ages this time than the fact that you live close to one another. It would be even harder on them had you moved across the country.
This.
Also, your counselor is much more qualified to advise you on this than random people on a message board. While she may not be in tune with military life, she probably knows a lot about how kids handle divorce.
I'm a divorce attorney, and from what I've seen, kids to best when they are still able to maintain a close relationship with both parents, which simply isn't possible if you move across the country from their dad.
If there is no way you can make it work with moving to the next place he is stationed due to living arrangements, deployment, or whatever, I think you should move to Texas. It will give your older son an opportunity to have a closer relationship with his dad, having family nearby is invaluable for a single mom, and once your husband retires and moves to Texas it would be pretty great for both of your kids to have their dad nearby.