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alcoholic brother
Anyone have experience with an alcoholic relative? I guess I just need coping strategies and advice on how I could possibly help my brother.
Right now the main thing I am feeling is anger. Despite a near-death experience due to alcoholic poisoning, numerous fights with his spouse that required police involvement, a stay in rehab, and a stay in a psychiatric hospital, he continues to drink. He is nearing divorce, his young children are suffering, and I imagine it won't be long before his job is affected.
What bothers me the most is he continues to deny that he has been drinking. After he gets drunk, he claims he did not drink when it is obvious he has.
Another point of contention is that whenever we get together he acts obnoxious towards me, criticizing my life choices. I can't help feel like, maybe he should get his act together before he starts criticizing other people.
Is there anything I can possibly do to help him? Is there anything I can possibly do to cope with my feelings about the situation?
Re: alcoholic brother
Go to Al-Anon. The meetings are for people whose lives are impacted by the drinking of others. Offer to take your SIL. Or offer to babysit while she goes to a meeting or two.
There are no magic words that will make your brother not drink. He has to bottom out himself. He has to turn to AA himself.
http://www.al-anon.org/meetings/meeting.html
It took my cousin cracking his head open on a sidewalk after trying to fight with a bouncer outside of a bar to even remotely change his drinking habits. I feel for you.
I agree with the pp as well.
And notify your brother that due to his drunken ways, you will be ending contact with him -- tell him that once he is clean and sober with the help of AA and a sponsor and when he is clean and sober for awhile and he can prove it, you'll be more than happy to have him in your life again...but until then, goodbye for now.
This. Addicts lie, that is their nature which you will learn in Al Anon. My sister had a meth problem for 12 years. It is heartbreaking to watch someone continuously mess up their lives and choose drugs/alcohol over anything else and Al Anon will help you deal with that. I had to cut off contact with my sister. I told her too that until she chose sobriety and help that I could not be there and watch her. It was so hard to not have a sister for so long but it was healthier for me. I watched my other family members try to rescue her and enable her and it just prolonged the situation. It wasn't until they stopped "helping" her and let her hit her rock bottom (which for her was living on the streets) that she finally started helping herself. She has now been sober for three years and I can't tell you how nice it is to have her back. But it took 12 years and cutting her off to get there. She was angry with me when I cut her off back then but now she understands and we currently are close again.
You can't do anything to help him. He is the only one who can help himself. You can however tell him how you feel and tell him exactly what tarpon said to tell him.
He's done irreparable damage to his wife and kids -- and if they are tweens or near that age, I suggest AlATeen for them.
I feel for you. My alcoholic brother brought a flask of booze in his pocket to our father's funeral, while complaining that my bringing my infant daughter to the funeral was "inappropriate" (although it was perfectly OK to bring his baby to our grandma's funeral) and fabricating complaints in order to have an excuse to bully me the whole time.
I realized I can't fix what's wrong, and I cut off contact with him.
Thanks all. I think I will look into Al-Anon.
To those who have suggested cutting off contact--I've sort of been gradually doing that, seeing him less and less, but my sister objects. She says we need to be there for our nieces and nephews, and that cutting off contact with him will only make him want to drink more. I am concerned about my nieces and nephews, but I don't buy her argument that not seeing him will cause him to get worse.
My mother had a drinking problem from the time I was 4 (on and off) until she died when I was 23.
I went through every feeling you can think of with her addiction from guilt to anger to shutting down and I am so sorry you have to deal with something like this.
Seeing him or not seeing him will not be able to change what is going on. As pp's have said, you can not make someone want to change...they have to want to change for themselves.
My mother was in rehab 5-6 times over the course of those 19 years and it helped, each time, for awhile. She went because WE wanted her to go not because SHE wanted to get better.
You have to try to be there for your nephews and SIL and be around for your brother if he really needs and/or wants the help.
Do not try to make excuses for his behavior, he has an addiction (just like any other drug problem) and needs to hit "rock bottom" or so they say in order for him to realize he needs to change. Everyone's rock bottom is different and all you can do is wait and know that it is not your (or you mom/dad/uncle/etc's) fault.
I hope things get better for you!
Cycle 1 - 13 BFN
Cycle 14 Surgery complete!
I also have an alcoholic brother. We (myself, mom & dad) have been through so much with him. When he used to live with them, I remember calling my mom on a Saturday morning and the first thing she said to me was that brother didn't come home last night and she didn't sleep at all and she thinks he's dead in a ditch somewhere.
We went through years and years of him messing up because of alcohol. When he got his first DUI, it was the "cops fault because he was new and trying to make a name in the town." He wrecked 4 cars - one was mine in which he hit someone in a parking lot and then filed a false police report the next day so that he wouldn't get in trouble. The next one was my dad's truck, then my dad's other truck. Then the most recent was his expensive GTO - in which he wrecked right outside his apartment into a tree.
He got a job in the east coast and no news was always good news. Just after new years in 2010, I got a call from him at like 2 a.m....like a concerned schmuck sister, I answered. He had gotten completely beat up outside of a bar - said that he couldn't walk and he was missing a tooth. He said that he was going to drive to the bar and "show those guys". I told him not to do anything and just go to bed and that as soon as I got off the phone with him, I was going to call the cops in his town with his vehicle description and license plate number - which I did.
That was my breaking point. What was I supposed to do here in the midwest while he's out in the east coast being a complete idiot - nothing. It's not my problem anymore. Like others suggested (I also came to this board), I went to Al-anon. I only went 2 times, but it helped considerably. Helped me to realize that I could not support his habbit anymore.
I told him that because of his problem, I no longer wanted him in my life. And until he could get things straightened out, I didn't want to hear from him. I went 1 month without speaking to him. My brother and I have always had a close relationship, and that is what he needed in order to straighten up. His fear of losing me was what it took.
I know my story is different from yours, and I feel like your brother has so many more factors (wife, kids, etc.) - no only you, your parents, and any siblings you may have, but his wife and kids need to cut him out too. You are all being enablers. And it would be hard, but if your SIL won't be a part of cutting him out...you need to cut them out and your niece and nephew.
Please feel free to PM me if you need. Goodluck with everything - my best advice is to go to Al-anon before you take any course of action. Don't be embarassed by Al-anon either - I was intimidated and embarassed, but it was completely worth it.
Thanks again to everyone for their advice and support. I was a little skeptical of cutting my brother out of my life--until last night, when there was another fiasco. Yesterday was my husband and I's anniversary and this prevented us from going out for our celebration dinner.
I'm done with him. I can only hope he comes to his senses and starts acting like the brother I knew again.
I'm sorrry, and I"m glad you've made a decision.
I'd still REALLY strongly reccomend trying to go to a few Alanon meetings. Because what you'll learn there and the support you'll get there is a good starting point at figuring out how to deal w/ this for...well, forever. {because you may cut things off but that doesn't change the fact that your family is dealing w/ an alcoholic})