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How do you ladies do it?
For those of you that have decided to be single how do you do it? I really want 2012 to be the "boyless" year. But it doesn't seem to be working out so well.
I know I could benefit from staying away from dating and men in general for a little bit but quite honestly I can't get over missing the intimateness and I'm not just referring to sex although that's also included.
So far I've managed to continue dating a guy I've been seeing for quite awhile although I know I don't want anything more with him. But the sex is good and I like having someone to spend time with once a week.
On top of that I also slept with a friend, who I've been having an on and off friends with benefits relationship with. This one is more complicated because I really like him and want a little more but A. don't want to ruin the friendship and B. I'm 8 years older than him and know we are at different places in our lives.
Sorry if this is pointless and no one has any feedback. I sometimes just need to remind myself of my feelings.
Re: How do you ladies do it?
Well first of all I think you are setting yourself up for failure on a "boyless" year. I personally prefer to be single (with casual dating) because I love the independent lifestyle, however, I'd never say never. I think it's more about getting to a place within yourself first, versus a time limit. That might be three months or three years, but no need to place an arbitrary time limit.
From your post it sounds like you need a man in your life to feel complete, worthy and/or happy. These are key signs that you are not happy with yourself. Until you are happy and content with yourself you will not be successful in relationships.
I suggest you start seeing a therapist to work on what underlying issues are driving you to crave the presence of a man in your life and work on how you can be content on your own.
Also it's perfectly fine to date someone casually as you mention above and not want it to turn into anything more as long as you are both on the same page. However, in this instance it sounds more like a crutch than a positive influence in your life.
For the most part I agree and I'm in therapy. I guess it's just hard to break off those underlying relationship that I know don't work so I have the space to be alone.
I agree with everything pdx said. I don't think it makes sense to "swear off" men for some certain amount of time. But I do think it sounds like you need some time alone to figure out what you want. I think once you realize what you want, need, and deserve from someone, it won't that difficult to be alone AND you won't think you need to be with every.single.man who comes along because, quite frankly, they won't look all that appealing once you set your standards higher. That's what happened for me, at least.
Your post kind of reminds me of a friend of mine. She was in an abusive marriage for eight years and rebounded with a guy who was not good at all. They had an LDR and he actually lived in Cali and she lives in Missouri. turns out that he had another GF the whole time. THEN after that fiasco she started dating someone else and was instantly attached, in love, he was going to talk to her dad about asking for her hand in marriage etc. Keep in mind she just split from her husband last summer. She text me just last week telling me her heart was broken (again) because he had finally confessed he was a raging alcoholic and had been drinking the whole time. I finally got firm with her and brutally honest. I told her she needed to be alone and deal with her co-dependency issues otherwise she'd be doomed to picking men who were not worthy of her forever. Then she texted back saying "Oh I think you are so right, btw, how long do you think it will take me to deal with these co-dependency issues, because I really, really hate to be alone. It scares me". ::face meet palm::
This whole mindset that it's hard being single just rubs me the wrong way. You are not powerless to the whims of others and the world. Life doesn't just happen to you. You have control over your actions, and if you feel that you don't, then you've got bigger problems than your relationship status.
Isn't the problem here that you don't want to be single even though you're paying lip service to the fact that you do? Unless you get honest with yourself, you're going to be trapped in this cycle of co-dependency with the wrong guys.
I think it would behoove you to acknowledge that you want a functional relationship and work to identify what that means instead of lying to yourself and saying you want to be single. Lying to yourself just absolves you of personal responsibility for your circumstances and then sets you up to fail because you're not even the slightest bit committed to what you've told yourself. If you have something you're working towards (healthy, adult relationships), then you might find it easier to break up with the dead-end guy and say "No" to the other losers in your path.
Or, you can continue with more of the same and see how far that gets you.
Bowies hit the nail on the head with this one. If you wanted to be single, you would be single.
I love dating and boys and it would be ridiculous for me personally to swear off boys. I think it's okay to casually date. It still leaves plenty of time for introspection and alone time and the single lifestyle. I also think dating is a great way to learn about yourself and what you like/don't like. It is easy to get carried away though so...
To be okay with being single and enjoying my time alone, I do several things.
- I date myself. Haha. I go out to dinner, plan outings for myself, treat myself. Watch movies. I get dressed up. I dance and sing. Whatever I want to do and whatever makes me love myself.
- I meditate. Helps me keep things in perspective and not go crazy with girly emotions and boys.
- I have a few hobbies that keep me busy and learning new things.
- I limit the amount of time I see a guy I am interested in. I force myself to make solo plans or plans with friends. It's important to keep things balanced and not get carried away. If things are meant to be with someone, they will be and will happen at the right time.
I agree... when I wanted to be single I was single. I didn't give men any opportunity to date/sleep with me. When friends and co-workers wanted to set me up I told them I was not ready and wasn't interested. I was pretty honest and said I wasn't over my marriage and needed to be alone.
I was pretty hardcore about not dating at all for about 8 months after my marriage ended. Sure this resulted in some lonely nights alone but more often it left time for my work, family and friends. I made new friends and spent time with my parents, grandma and siblings. I became a better friend and family member. I went on one date and felt terrible about it at about 4 months... then decided to wait another 4. I still haven't been in a real relationship and it's been almost 2 years. I have had a few men I hook up with but nothing serious or exclusive. I have enjoyed the dating process because I was being myself and having fun.. just enjoying the experience.
In the past few months I have been looking forward to moving back to the US because I am ready to be in a relationship if I meet the right person... this is pretty exciting for me because I feel like I have healed and am finally in a place to be a good partner if I meet the right person. I would suggest waiting until you feel this way... its much more peaceful and calm because I know that I am fine/happy alone