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Baby help- sorry long
My DH and I have been together 5 years and have a 2 year old. We just got married this last summer.
Our first child was tough- from pregnancy, colic, medical issues and not just reg toddler drama. When we were together we always said we would have 2 children. Right after DS was born I wasnt so sure on #2, or at least WHEN we would have #2. Now that DS is nearing pre-school and kindergarten age I tried to talk to DH about when he thinks #2 should come. I would like to get preg the year DS goes to KG.
To my surprise he said hes sure he DOES NOT want any more children. He likes our family the way it is and sees no need for another child. He even went so far as to say he would consider and vasectomy.
The worst part is that he says the major deciding factor in not wanting another child is ME ! He works A LOT and long shifts leaving me to be sole caregiver 99% of the time, Im a SAHM. He says he doesnt think I can handle 2 children and that 1 child is all he thinks I can handle. I didnt even know what to say to that !?! Ive been harboring this resentment and anger towards him for a week now and its eating me up inside !
Am I over reacting in thinking that he thinks Im a crappy parent ?!? Bc thats what I heard when he said that. I cant imagine my little boy growing up as an only child....I cant imagine that at 28 years old I am DONE having kids !
Any advice would help right now...... Thx ladies
Re: Baby help- sorry long
I think the only thing you can do at this point is talk to him about why he feels this way and exactly what his concerns are and then see if you can address it together and if he changes his mind. What exactly are his concerns? Did he give you specifics?
Both partners get full veto power on the decision to have a child so if he doesn't want to have one, that's his right. It's unfortunate that he led you to believe something else but it sounds like he believed that too and having a child has changed his mind about those plans. Having a child, especially one who has medical issues, can definitely change someone's views on their family plans. All you can do is give it time and try to work with him on it to see if he gets to a place where he's comfortable with the idea of having another child.
If you can't live with his new plans for your family, then you have some decisions to make about the future of your marriage. But you can't force him to have a child he doesn't want. That's not fair to anyone: him, you, your son or any future children.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
I suggest you talk to him --- after you calm down -- and have a frank and open discussion.
He's changed his mind about more than one kid: it happens, the same as there are husbands and wives that change their mids about having kids once the marrage happens.
Maybe you can get your kid fix on other fronts: why not volunteer, be a mentor for a child/youth, coach a kid's team or be a Big Sister?
No he doesnt do much parenting bc of his work. Hes home only 1 day every 2 weeks and for 2 hours each day.
I know I cant force him to have another child and he has the right to make that decision, i think it hurts the most is that its bc of ME. He thinks that physically and mentally another child would be too hard on me seeing as he is never home. What I hear when he says that is that he thinks Im a crappy parent and doesnt want to say it that way
I would be extremely surprised if this was really the whole reason. It seems like such a cop-out.
That's not what I read from his statement at all. What I read from his statement is that he thinks it would be rough on you to be the sole caregiver, basically, for two children. To me, that's him acknowledging you do a lot of work taking care of your child! It also indicates he may have some guilt over the fact he works so much.
IMO this should be an ongoing conversation and you should both be willing and open to hear the other person's side without anger, judgment, resentment, assumptions and hurt feelings. Maybe HE doesn't want a kid whose life he can't be actively involved in on a regular basis and doesn't know how to say it. Or maybe HE found having a kid too stressful and is enjoying the time he has with you and your son. You're making this 100% about you and your skills as a parent when that is not what he said at all, based on the conversation you're recounting. This should be a joint decisions as to what's best for you both and for your family, not I want this, period.
Thank you ...I actually think a lot of things you said make sense. I am making this 100% about me...maybe its a comb of us both ! He doesnt want me to be over whelmed but also HE doesnt want to miss out on 2 kids lives instead of just 1. I know he does have guilt about being gone all the time but I never translated it into a 2nd child.
Thank you ! I know we need to talk more but that was a lot of things I hadnt thought of.
First of all, I don't think he is intentionally telling you that you are a crappy parent. I think you guys need to sit and communicate about this clearly. I'm wondering that he is thinking that having another one that may have all the issues of the first while still having another to take care of when you are really all by yourself...might be too overwhelming for you. Or maybe he feels bad that he is never around to help. Maybe he is overwhelmed thinking about another child having the difficulties that your first had. But, either way, you need to get to the heart of the issue.
I have 2 kids who are 4 years apart. I know it can be done. I have struggled, to be honest and we didn't have the issues you did with your first. And during my pregnancy with my second, I needed some help because I was exhausted the entire time. Is he worried about you needing him and he not being able to be there?
While I understand the great desire to have more children and feeling like you aren't done... I also know that it isn't good to have another child if one parent isn't really interested. Resentments grow on both sides. But, I really feel like you need things totally clarified and not go to him crying hysterically. Try to hold back the tears and find out exactly what he means and then you can really know what to say back. I mean, you are saying that you think you are hearing him say something... make sure you get it exactly. Then you can figure out what to do.
I know that if my DH hadn't wanted #2, I would have mourned that loss greatly. It would have been really hard. But, I knew that I valued my marriage and my DS#1 enough to know that I wanted DS to have a happy family that was together rather than a miserable one or separated one.
Hang in there.
Well I know he isn't home much but it sounds like you guys need some counseling. Because for some reason, you're not communicating well: Either you're reading things that he isn't saying or he's not saying what he really means but either way it's a problem and you're not going to be able to work through it until you understand one another.
But in the meantime, don't put words in his mouth. It sounds like he's home very little and raising one child on your own like that is TOUGH work. He may also feel guilt and regret about missing out on things with the child you have already and the burden it places on you and doesn't want to add to it.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
wow, I can not believe that he is only home 2 hours every 2 weeks- it is almost like not even having a husband at all! What does he do- I have never heard of a schedule so crazy! Your husband is only with you 0.6% of the time if you do the math. Is this a permanent schedule?
I agree with the others that each partner gets total veto power in this decision. I also agree that working with a professional is the best approach, but since he is home so infrequently that is probably not possible. After you talk with him, if you can not come to an agreement, you need to decide what is more important to you- the marriage with one child, or leaving and trying to find someone else to have more (and of course that is not guaranteed).
In general, are you happy with your marriage, besides the kids thing? I just can't imagine seeing my dh so infrequently, how it would work. I guess military wives go though the same thing though.
no sorry hes home 2 hours a day ( minus sleeping time of course ) and he takes about 1 day off every 2 weeks. Some times he takes 1 day off a week. He is supposed to work 4 on 4 off but he takes 2-3 extra over time days a week bc the money is so good. Its hard to say no when he makes so much in 1 OT shift.
LOL no prob, it is a little crazy if you ask me LOL I wouldnt WANT to work that much if it were me but he loves it
Sounds like he's doing you a favor. I wouldn't want to be saddled raising 2 kids on my own with a husband who's never there. DH works nights and I work days so it's like we're single parents part-time. It sucks.
When you say he's only home 2 hours a day plus sleeping- what is that? Like, home at 8pm and then 8 hours of sleep?
I know the OT is great, but pretty soon he's going to have to decide what's more important.
I think you should talk to your husband about why he feels the way he does. For what its worth, I don't think he is making veiled insults (or even open ones) on your ability to parent well. What it sounds like he is concerned about is that it might stretch your resources (emotionally/physically etc.) too thin.
I understand you are a SAHM. I am betting some of it might be financial in that he is already working his tail off to support the kid you've got. It might freak him out that you want to add another with your current financial situation.
I would suggest some marriage counseling just so that there is a third party to mediate. It sounds like there is more going on and real communication needs to happen. It sounds like he is afraid to tell you the whole truth, and that you are (understandably) upset that "the plan" has changed from when you first got married.
Would it be a deal breaker if you didn't have #2?
This just really isn't true, lol.
I totally agree with this. After an extremely tough pregnancy (27 weeks or so of extreme morning sickness) and a colicky baby, I do not think I want another one.
My H and I don't need counseling or anything. It's just not something that would make me happy or us as a couple happy. We adore our DD, but we are happy being one and done.