Trouble in Paradise
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How to handle dh's addiction
On Thursday, my husband came to me and said he had a problem with pain pills. I had no idea. He said he had been trying to quit and was unable to. We spent the day trying to get him into rehab. He left Friday morning, on my birthday. We have a six month old daughter that was born premature and has a few health issue requiring many doctors visits. Of course she gets sick during this, which is something that is cause for alarm. Today I found out the daycare she attends, which is a special medical one, will no longer be covered by our insurance effective tomorrow. I feel like it just keeps pouring down on me.
I had no idea about my husband. We have been happily married for 7 years. He was having back problems and was given pain pills. The doctor stopped prescribing but he said he continued to get them from friends.
I feel like I never knew him. He said this has been going on for a year but the doctor only stopped his prescriptions in the last few months and he moved on to stronger pills. I have all these confused feelings, like how could he do this to his daughter, how could he not want to be a good person for her. I want to stand by him as he wants to be better and wants help, but Im scared. Im not sure what has been the truth and what has been lies.
He checked into rehab so quick I never got to discuss anything with him. We get two 10 minute calls a day, but that doesn't solve much. I called and left a message for the therapist he is assigned to today, but he called back and said that he doesn't do private family sessions or discuss treatment with me. THey have family night on Wednesdays, that I can come to that for information. That didn't help. I am planning to go on Wednesday, after I figure out work and a sitter for the baby. I would 60+ hours a week at a job that is not time off friendly this time of year. My goal was to find a new job in the spring. With my husband in rehab, and only my income, I can't lose my job.
I just feel so lost as how to approach everything, what to say to him, what to think, and where to begin to handle this. I would really appreciate any advice.
Thank you if you made it this far, this is the first time I've started to talk about everything and I guess I got a little winded.
I had no idea about my husband. We have been happily married for 7 years. He was having back problems and was given pain pills. The doctor stopped prescribing but he said he continued to get them from friends.
I feel like I never knew him. He said this has been going on for a year but the doctor only stopped his prescriptions in the last few months and he moved on to stronger pills. I have all these confused feelings, like how could he do this to his daughter, how could he not want to be a good person for her. I want to stand by him as he wants to be better and wants help, but Im scared. Im not sure what has been the truth and what has been lies.
He checked into rehab so quick I never got to discuss anything with him. We get two 10 minute calls a day, but that doesn't solve much. I called and left a message for the therapist he is assigned to today, but he called back and said that he doesn't do private family sessions or discuss treatment with me. THey have family night on Wednesdays, that I can come to that for information. That didn't help. I am planning to go on Wednesday, after I figure out work and a sitter for the baby. I would 60+ hours a week at a job that is not time off friendly this time of year. My goal was to find a new job in the spring. With my husband in rehab, and only my income, I can't lose my job.
I just feel so lost as how to approach everything, what to say to him, what to think, and where to begin to handle this. I would really appreciate any advice.
Thank you if you made it this far, this is the first time I've started to talk about everything and I guess I got a little winded.
Re: How to handle dh's addiction
Living with and being married to an addict is tough and takes a lot of strength to stick with. My husband went into a 30 day rehab 2 weeks after we got married. I was terrified and thought it was the end of the world. But i love him and decided to stick with and support him thru this and his lifetime of being an addict because an addict is never cured of their addiction, they learn to manage their addiction.
When DH was in rehab i could only speak to him once a day and visit on weekends. Near the end of treatment, the facility has family week where the family gets counseling (with and without the addict) and support. There were also aftercare counseling options offered to the addict and the family. I would see if the program offers this for you. It wasnt easy but the counseling and meetings helped me understand what addiction is all about and how living with an addict is not going to be easy. I met a lot of other people who were in the same boat as me, even some new moms who felt really lost. It was good to have that kind of support around me. I would bet they offer some sort of family counseling but if not, definitely start getting some for yourself now (definitely al-anon) and pursue counseling for the two of you as well when he gets done with rehab. Good luck
Hi -
Sorry to hear you are going through this. I'm coming from the "other side" so maybe I can offer some perspective.
I've had an addiction to alcohol for over 10 years. I had the addiction when I met my husband, when we married, and through most of our marriage. While it was less serious in the beginning, the ramifications only got worse and worse. My husband was aware of the problem, but we basically ignored it. I was happy if he ignored it because I could keep drinking. He wasn't happy about it, but didn't know how to help. This past summer, I went to rehab for 30 days.
I was struck by your question of "how could he do this to his daughter....? etc.." Let me tell you, addictions make you do awful, awful things. My husband and I have some very serious issues to face since I've gotten sober, but I never once had my addiction because I "disliked him" or "wanted to ruin our lives". I loved him, and I continue to love him. I wanted us to have a happy life. I wanted to be there for him. Nothing made me feel worse then getting up and knowing I had failed to do something.... or ruined another night out... The addiction is just that powerful. It can take over everything. Alcohol was always number one for me. I cared so much about getting drunk that everything else was second. I didn't want it to be.... but I would always find myself driving to the liquor store. For me, it was not that I wanted to be a bad person, I just didn't have the capacity to do so. I spent many nights crying for the addiction to leave me and begging for a better life.
It took my husband and my family throwing me into rehab to get the job done.
The 10 minute calls from rehab are never enough. When I first went to rehab, it seemed like I would never get my opportunity to call. I could not wait long enough to be on the phone. But, nothing would get accomplished in 10 minutes. I often ended up more hurt and angry after the calls. I was trying to rush and solve problems with another person waiting in line behind me. That was no fun. I know for sure I was not the only person that felt that way. Many people came off the phone in tears.
Depending on the rehab, there are opportunities to go to family nights, participate in joint family sessions, and go to educational sessions of your own. I know that I felt 50/50 on them. It was nice to see my family, but it felt like they were visiting me in jail. I didn't want them to come sometimes. I didn't want to have to talk to them with the therapist. I was still hurt and trying to make sense of everything. I started to make bonds in rehab and felt safe in my little bubble, too. Sometimes I felt that they were the "wake up" call that real life was still out there. I participated in the family sessions, but it was difficult for everyone.
That was easily the hardest time of my life. But when I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, things calmed down. Things aren't perfect. My husband and I are still struggling. But, I can say I've been sober for almost 7 months now. Getting that out of the way cleared up a lot. I at least have the capacity now to deal with life and our issues.
I attend AA and have a sponsor. It has helped a ton.
It will not be an easy road. Again, I'm sorry you are in this spot.
I'm not sure I've answered any of your questions, but I just wanted to provide some insight from "the other side".
It's no cake walk to be the spouse of someone with an addiction. I put my husband through hell and back. I put my family and his family through hell. I was selfish and controlling. But, I was suffering too. It doesn't make me innocent, but understanding more about myself has helped to at least make my life a little less messy.
I hope the rehab helps him. It is a great way to take a step back and clear out your head. Please make sure he gets treatment when he is done. NA or something similar. Al-Anon has helped my family. Education can help you too.
Best Wishes. It is a hard road.
Well first I'm really sorry this is all happening to you. You have a lot on your plate and anything you described would be overwhelming for most people, let alone all of it at once.
First, it's really good that your husband wanted to get help. That's a huge battle for a lot of addicts and it puts him ahead in his recovery of where a lot of people start. That doesn't mean it will be easy but it's a good sign.
I think everything you're feeling is a normal reaction to finding out that there's a part of your husband that he's hidden from you. Do you think you could make arrangements to attend an Al-Anon meeting? I think it would be helpful for you to understand your husband's recovery and deal with your own feelings and reaction to it.
Do you have family and friends nearby? Do they know the situation? Maybe it would be helpful to you to have someone to lean on right now and see if they can help you while your husband is away.
It's hard right now. It's probably going to be hard for a little while longer. But hopefully, someday soon, it's going to be better for all three of you and this tough time will have been worth it.
Best of luck to you all.
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I also suggest you speak to somebody at your local chapter of AlAnon. You'll need the help of a supoort group also -- they can teach you how to love an addict.
Remember that he'll be in a very dicey and vulerable situation when he comes out of rehab -- he's definitely going to need NarcAnon and/or a drug and alcohol counselor's help. he'll also need your support. GL.
I really don't think prescription pain addicts are "bad" people. It sounds like he started using the pain killers for a legitimate medical need and they are known to be highly addictive. I wouldn't put it under the same thing as taking drugs because he wants to get high if that makes any sense. My uncle got addicted to pain killers after taking them while battling cancer. It sounds like he is trying to do right by his family by getting help. I realize how much it must suck right now, but try to be glad that he chose to get the help now before getting even deeper into the addiction. My uncle didn't admit to having a problem for a long time and it was a while after admitting before he actually entered rehab. He did very well in rehab and didn't relapse. He was back on pain killers legitimately before he died, but he was also in a hospice center with around the clock care.
If either of you has an EAP through work, call them. They have free services for you
when my husband was hospitilized (stealing my vicoden was part of it, FWIW), they assigned me a social worker who helpe dme w/ red tape and who also was a counselor--saw me weekly for a while to deal w/ my crap from it.
God bless you. I'm sorry you're having to deal with so much all at once. Ditto the recommendations for Al-anon. Most groups will let you bring your baby with you to the meetings. You can learn about the illness affecting your H and can find tools to help you cope with its effects. This is nobody's fault. He has a disease. He is not a bad person. He is a sick person. You cannot control any of this.
I find it encouraging that your H came to you on his own. It sounds like he really wants to get better. If his rehab center is a 12-step based program (most are), they will recommend that he attend AA or NA after discharge. If he does, I would recommend Al-anon even more strongly. Recovery is a very difficult, and incredibly rewarding process. I can promise you, if you both work all 12 steps in your respective programs, you will be rewarded beyond your wildest dreams.
Thank you for your post. I hit my bottom when DS was 4 days old. You have helped me better empathize with what my W went through. That was 11 years ago for us, and we're still happily married (most days). This will probably sound crazy now, but there is every chance that someday you will look back on this time with gratitude.
Thank you everyone for the advice and suggestions. I am looking into counselling for me. My daughter does have a social worker that is involved from her extensive NICU stay that helps coordinate all of her appointments and therapies, I didn't realize that there was also that availability for me.
My family is involved, dh, not so much. They have their own set of issues. It is just hard to open up to my family about eveything when they just want to see me happy and are worrying about me. I can't really explain my feelings to them. I feel more like they want to see me strong for my daughter.
I'm just praying that we all get through this stronger and for the better, just taking each day as it comes.