Starting Over
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
What were the red flags?
I always do this when something goes wrong. I go over it and over it in my head, looking for the things I missed or could have done differently.
I've thought about what I missed before I married the ex. I totally ignored his temper. I ignored his inability to talk to me when he was upset. I minimized the times he lied to me.
What were the red flags you missed? Do you think you will be more aware next time around? Or does new love make us blind to the warning signs?
Re: What were the red flags?
The fact that he wasn't close with his family and wanted nothing to do with mine, his need to be the center of attention all the time, his inability to be happy with what he had instead of always buying new things, how many times he fought with me on not doing something because it wasn't "fun" for him.
I think as long as you stay true to yourself you can learn from your mistakes. My BF isn't perfect and he has screwed up, but so have I. You learn to be cognizant of your mistakes (and your partner's) instead of glossing them over.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
too many to name them all but some that stuck out were:
-he had a history of getting in trouble with the law
-told me a lie on one of the first nights we hung out and I caught him red-handed
-had a horrible reputation
-drank too much
-seemed to not respect when I said I needed space-ie: if he gave me space he was worried I'd leave entirely
-friends were losers/go nowhere in lifes
-my friends and family hated him and were very concerned about the relationship
I looked over his lies.
He would make me feel guiltly for not trusting him even though he lied to me
He hung out with females a lot, knowing it made me uncomfortable, lied about it, and then got jealous if a guy showed me attention.
There were so many...
His alcoholism and drug abuse;
his needed tendencies;
lack of communication;
trusting issues;
very controlling;
possessive (not just with me but with his "things") - I seriously couldn't touch our DVD player and other things. And he told me once that when he was going out of town for business that I wasn't allowed in the house because he was afraid that I was going to snoop around and/or throw away his stuff - this stemmed from me throwing away a bunch of old phone books in the garage that I was prohibited to go into;
towards the end, he was starting to rage and get violent;
etc etc etc...
I ignored how he glossed over/played down certain events of his past.
I ignored how he emotionally abused me.
I ignored how controlling he was.
I ignored his lack of coping skills - instead of dealing with a problem, he ignores it.
Kelly Monaghan's 5K - 5/15/11 - 3rd Place in AG
Walk the Talk 5K - 5/18/11 - 31:12 PR
Ridley Run 3.1 - 4/14/12 - 1st race of the year, 32:45
This is my response to a similar question posed below in my introduction thread:
I try not to beat myself up for missing the warning signs. For one, I didn't know about some of the more subtle ones and for two, it's highly unlikely that any abuser will start abusing right away. If someone hits you on the first date or verbally abuses you, chances are that there won't be a second date. For abusers it's a constant cycle of love and abuse. When it's good it's good but when it's bad it's really bad. The craving for good keeps you in. I think that people believe that women who are in these types of situations are stupid but it's deeper than that. If it were easier to spot and then subsequently leave I don't think we'd see the prevalence of douchebags and women from all walks of life staying with them.
I definitely know that I will be more aware next time around. Almost to the point of being hyper-aware. I know even the most subtle signs of abuse like the back of my hand now and can spot them a mile away in others. I've learned to absolutely trust my instincts in that if something doesn't feel right to me it isn't right. There doesn't have to be any additional explanation for why it doesn't feel right...I am able to unilaterally trust my gut now. If I would have done this in the first place, I would have never experienced such heartache.
I believe that love is a choice. And sometimes once we're in, we're not blind, but we make the conscious decision to stay in. I'm not a believer that love makes people do crazy things. We're responsible for our actions. Once we've experienced the warning signs, I believe it would be insanity that would make us blind to the same things all over again, not love.
I didn't miss the red flags either - I was fully aware of when my chest tightened and I got that weird tingling sensation in my spine. I just chose to ignore them because I had invested so much time with him and, well, that was the best I was gonna find.
There were lots of red flags for me to ignore, but there was one in particular that caused me the most grief. After we had moved in together (7 hours away from my hometown), he purposely removed all intimacy from our physical relationship. He said kissing me was boring and he had no interest in any kind of foreplay since it did nothing for him. If I had been living on my own, I would have dumped him right there. But, I was trapped by a shared lease. So I stayed. And I married him. I spent the next 6+ years as nothing more than a hole. I kept rationalizing it - that some couples just aren't very sexual, that our relationship outside the bedroom was solid and, therefore, I was lucky - but it still ate away at me. He systematically killed my self-esteem, which kept me around even longer. Eventually I refused to so much as let him touch me, but he would force it anyways.
I'm much more aware (hyperaware even) of red flags now. I thought I was smart enough to not fall prey to an abusive relationship, but I was wrong. I'm still somewhat dealing with the fallout - I still have trouble trusting that my BF finds me attractive and won't someday pull away from me. He's patient and kind though, so my walls have almost entirely come down. I dated other guys before him and identified red flags easily and early on, so I'm confident in my judgments now. I'm also not going to put myself in an unescapable situation again. BF and I have a cohabitation agreement between the two of us, but there isn't a shared lease or mortgage. I'll need some time before I ever do that again!
he didn't value education, he didn't value fitness, he only wanted to play PS3 or watch TV, i like being out doing things. He was disrespectful to me and my friends. We had such different goals in life and ideas on what a relationship meant. He was always closed off and wouldn't talk about our problems, he hid things, lied, did not make me a priority. he wanted a care taker with sex benefits and i wanted a partner. He was lazy, which i didn't see until after marriage because we never lived closer than 2 hours apart.
this time, i don't see any warning signs, we are so able to talk about things and get ourselves on the same page through compromise.
He had multiple long term failed relationships (two marriages, another enagement, and another long term relationship) and had a reputation as a heartbreaker type. I didn't see him for who his reputation was until we broke up. Then I realized what a dummy I was to think I could make him settle down.
um. this, word for word, plus things like:
- his XW was a crazy b!tch and the D was all her fault
-his DS was "his world", yes he made no effort to see him more than 6 hours a week and if I said I wanted time alone, he was a-ok with foregoing DS's visit completely.
"possessive (not just with me but with his "things") - I seriously couldn't touch our DVD player and other things. And he told me once that when he was going out of town for business that I wasn't allowed in the house because he was afraid that I was going to snoop around and/or throw away his stuff - this stemmed from me throwing away a bunch of old phone books in the garage that I was prohibited to go into;
towards the end, he was starting to rage and get violent; "
WOW this sounds identical to one of my EXH red flags. I wasn't allowed to touch any buttons in his car. If I wanted to turn my AC vent, I had to ask. WTF was I thinking?!?!?!
This!! and he had the child locks on his car so that I wouldn't roll my window down...he HAD to roll it down. Exactly, what was i thinking!!