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Vent/WWSND TTGKTFU
So, DH doesn't want kids. WTF?!?
We've dated for 8 1/2 years, married for 1 1/2. DH has ALWAYS wanted to kids, more than me and sooner than me. We've had a million conversations about kids...how many we want, names, how we would raise them, etc. We both said if our partner didn't want kids, that'd be a "deal breaker."
DH wanted kids a long time ago, but I insisted we wait until we were married and had our $hit together. We planned to start TTGKTFU right after the wedding, but I made a major career change (started my own business), so we agreed to wait. After about a year, we were trying/not not trying for 4 months and didn't get PG. It was stressful and we both kind of freaked out b/c it's a big change, not sure we're ready, business has been slow/money is tight, etc. We both agreed to stop trying for now.
I had been having some doubts and talking about what if we never had kids, but I never decided/said I don't want kids. DH started saying he didn't want kids, but I thought he was joking or trying reverse psychology. We had a more serious discussion yesterday and he seems to very seriously not want kids now or ever at this time, but said he might change his mind in the future.
WTF?!? I don't know what to do with this information? Has anyone else dealt w/ this? Is this a temporary freak-out?
BTW, I think our relationship is fine otherwise, no worries there.
Re: Vent/WWSND TTGKTFU
Maybe, but he isn't articulating that. Although, he's never very good at explaining what he's feeling or why he does things.
I'd say just give it some time!
Are you avoiding now again? or just not using any protection and seeing what happens?
#1-BFP 08-22-09 ~ M/C 08-31-09 at 5 weeks 6 days
#2-BFP 08-6-11 ~ Due 04/18 ~ born via c-section April 22, 2012
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Avoiding.
I agree with this.
My story: We talked about kids before we were married. We both wanted at least 2. We had a surprise honeymoon baby, and it pretty much scared the crap out of both of us. (Can you imagine that gorgeous kiddo in my sig scared the crap out of us? Me neither.) We agreed, while I was pregnant, that if it was a boy that we would have no more kids. I changed my mind a couple years later. When I finally got the nerve to talk to James about it, he was "emphatically opposed." It was heartbreaking (although I was the one that changed my mind, so it was a little different). It took him a while, but about a year later, he changed his mind. I didn't really bother him about it, we'd talk about it casually occasionally, but never pressure. Just something clicked with him, and he changed his mind.
Honestly, I think he was just terrified of having to decide to have another baby: what if there were issues, what if we were super poor, etc.
Now, of course, we have been trying for #2 for a million years with no luck, but at least we both want it.
Good luck. I hope you are able to come to a solution soon.
TTC #2 for a million years: SA normal, CD 23 bloodwork shows nothing amiss, ovulation detected. Next step: ? maybe CD3 bloodwork to check eggs? All out of pocket, so limited IF tests/treatments.
Do you think he could be more stressed about the first quoted part then he is letting on? This could be carrying over into his stress about having kids. He could just be getting cold feet. Do you have a lot of friends with babies? He could be seeing them struggle and just be getting nervous. I would try not to stress about it and be patient. He even said he might change his mind.
I would give it a little more time and bring up the conversation again, in a very calm way.
I've tried to, but he can't/won't say. He just says he doesn't know. He's never good about talking about his feelings, even when his mom died, he was a real *** for a while, but couldn't figure out the real reason why.
Yes, it might be pressure/stress/wanting to be able to provide thing. It also might have scared him that we didn't get pregnant as easily/quickly as we thought we would. However, he is not saying any of these things. These things I could understand. I am scared too. But, when all he says is he doesn't want kids anymore, it is very frustrating/sad/scary.
I personally am a terrible communicator. If something bothers me I will often keep it bottled up or use excuses. It makes my H crazy that I rarely say what I really feel. Does your H ever do this? It is a hard thing to change...
I can understand how frustrating it could be to have someone make such a huge change of mind with something so important.
this is really sad and i'm sorry.
we had this moment.. except i'm the one who decided that i didn't want kids. it was grounds for divorce for my husband. which i think is valid.
i think that he needs to decide if he wants kids or not. that way if he doesn't, you can figure out if this relationship is going to continue working. if not, you have time to find some one else.. i know that sucks but it's true. we're not getting any younger.
this is really sad and i'm sorry.
we had this moment.. except i'm the one who decided that i didn't want kids. it was grounds for divorce for my husband. which i think is valid.
i think that he needs to decide if he wants kids or not. that way if he doesn't, you can figure out if this relationship is going to continue working. if not, you have time to find some one else.. i know that sucks but it's true. we're not getting any younger.
it isn't fair that he changed his mind so sudden, but people change.. you gotta decide what is right for you jennuinne.
i realize that it was wrong for me to tell h that iw anted kids and then tell him all the sudden that i didn't. it was a really hard time for us and i see his side.
Yeah, I went through some doubts...still am (but still not OK w/ someone telling me it's not an option). Difference is, when I had doubts I told DH I was having doubts and why, but I would have never said I'm not having kids knowing how badly he wanted them and that we entered this marriage both thinking we would have kids.
He probably is going through some freak-out and not telling me what he's really worried about...but I'm not sure. He sounded pretty serious about it last night.
What caused you to change your mind? And what changed it back? Was it just a temporary freak-out? How long did it last?
well.. i'd give it a couple days and talk about it again. it's an important issue and needs to be discussed and the sooner the better. gl!
this.
i think that he probably is stressed about not being able to provide, which carries over to the overall decision of not wanting kids. i would give it some time (he's going to school, right?) and see what happens after that. but it really is a serious deal-breaker...i'm sorry
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♥ baby jennlin born on 02/15/2012 ♥
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All of that.
Could you guys see a counselor or a mediator to help you guys communicate similarly?
If this continues, obviously we will need to talk to someone.
Normally we don't have an issue communicating. I thought he's just a typical guy. We talk about everything, but when he's emotional or sad or scared, he's not good at expressing that. Main things he cannot/will not talk about: his dad dying, his mom dying. And when he was depressed and/or acting like a d!ck after his mom died, he couldn't express how he was feeling. He doesn't like to talk about anything that would make him seem week (being sad, scared, etc.). He went through that being unemployed too and couldn't talk about that.
Also, I'm a planner and want to talk/plan everything. He's more of a let's just see what happens kind of guy.
And no, he's not in school. He's been working since beginning of Sept, which has made us both much happier (although he works A LOT and is tired). Originally, he's paychecks were going into savings (for baby) and mine to pay the bills. My bus has been slow for a few months, so he's been helping pay the bills.
[quote=jennuine] Originally, he's paychecks were going into savings (for baby) and mine to pay the bills. My bus has been slow for a few months, so he's been helping pay the bills. [quote]
I think that's the real root of his attitude change. It probably is stemming from a fear of being unable to provide.
Ditto PP and my twin Amandasw hit it. I would give it a week, then broach the subject again and if that talk doesn't work again, then go to a counselor. He needs to learn to express his feelings to you, it's important for your relationship. One-on-one counseling would help him learn those skills, but since this sudden change is something you've both discussed is a deal/marriage-breaker, then it needs to be addressed.
We both agreed to post-pone having kids b/c of $$ and other issues. I can understand being freaked out/scared/wanting to wait. But, he didn't say he wants to wait; he said he doesn't want to have kids. That's why I'm freaking out. But, maybe you're right and it's just a reaction to $$ and he's scared.
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