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Trailing Spouse?
I need some advice from anyone who might have been in this situation (or anything similar). I am really at a loss.
I am a teacher at international schools, and I just got married in June to a painter/graphic designer. Before ever deciding to get married we decided that I would find a post in a new country and he would come along to work/paint. We met and lived in his home country in Central America where I was teaching for 4 years, up until our move in July.
Anyway, we moved to Hong Kong in July and he hasn't gotten over the intense culture shock he developed within hours of getting here. He is rejecting everything about Hong Kong and never seems to be happy. He stays home all of the time playing video games and talking to friends back home on Skype. He doesn't bathe or brush his teeth regularly. The only time he leaves the house is to walk our dogs or when I drag him to teacher socials (which he hates because we teachers always wind up talking shop even if we try not to).
I have tried to talk to him, I have offered having him talk to a professional, and I have had male friends here try to talk to him... but he really just doesn't want to talk about it. He is just drifting through life, and I feel like our relationship is falling apart. Our sex life went from sex 2-3 times a week to NOTHING since we got here six months ago. I expressed my concerns again the other night, after he had been on an up swing in his mood for a week or so, and he blew me off (politely) by telling me that he was concerned too but didn't know what to do about it and that he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life, especially in Hong Kong where "there are no options" for him. In my observation, he has lots of options he has just not taken any time/effort to explore any of them yet and he has little interest in doing so.
I have two and a half years on my contract still, which I can't break for fear of not getting into a reputable school the next time I am looking for work. When we got married I was very explicit about the fact that I am willing to take trips back to his home country over summer breaks, but that I am not willing to consider moving back there due to security concerns/daily stress which put me into a cycle of depression that lasted my last two years living there (so I can relate to how he feels). He keeps talking about how much better it will be when we move again and go to a new country, but I have concerns that this will continue no matter where we go. If he isn't willing/able to put forth effort to build a life in a new location I don't know if we can swing this life style! And I don't really want to go back to the US yet because with the economy teaching positions are being cut all over and I would have extreme difficulty finding a job I would enjoy. And since I am the breadwinner who is putting in extra work to make ends meet I would really like to continue having jobs I enjoy.
Thoughts?
Re: Trailing Spouse?
Sorry things are so difficult.*hugs*
When I was a trailing spouse I started to go down hill emotionally then I reached 6 months and that was the breaking point. I broke over that hump eventually but it wasn't till after 10 months of moving there that things slowly started to get better. I think sometimes it takes longer for some to adapt to their surroundings. I also had a history of depression. Unfortunately I don't have much advice because I was definitely not following much myself either.
Sometimes my husband really had to push me. Only thing I could suggest it look for some event that used to interest him and go together.
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Thanks for the support!
I am trying to keep things positive, but I am not feeling like a very good cheerleader. I feel more like a boot camp leader sometimes when I am prying him out of bed on weekends to go hiking or to social events. The only time I have gotten close to saying "you agreed to this" so far was when discussing flying both of us to a job fair the next time I am looking for a position. He told me, "I don't think that's necessary, I trust you" and my reply was "Absolutely not. I decided on Hong Kong alone when you said that last January, there is no way I am making that kind of decision alone again with how hard this has been on you." It's hard not to blame him, even though I know it isn't his fault.
There are a few other trailing spouses we know (and one is even another man, which seems to be rare for a trailing spouse to be male) but they have kids so he doesn't feel much connection with them. Or maybe he just doesn't want to bother them because he thinks they are busy. Either way I have been encouraging him to accept invitations to do things with them, as they often do things together during the day, but he hasn't had much motivation to go. Maybe I do need to push more on that front. There is also a Spanish language night at a bar in town that lots of expats from Latin countries go to, but he keeps backing out at the last minute when we make plans to go. Maybe I need to push that, too.
He isn't too interested in Cantonese, but I have suggested taking some English courses to work on polishing his skills. He gets by in conversations with people (though we speak Spanish at home because it's easier) and he reads art/design magazines in English, but his writing skills are pretty bad (in both languages). We have discussed that it would help him in finding work internationally if his English were at a professional level.
I have suggested running, as exercise was my saving grace the years before I moved here. Unfortunately he is a smoker and won't kick that habit. So exercise for him is limited to what I can con him into in the name of quality time together on the weekends ;-)
It defintely sounds like he's in a sort of depression. Being a "trailing husband" isn't an easy thing in general, but especially not in HK where it is most definitely not the norm. Has he been painting at all? Maybe he can work out his adjustment issues through his art?
I bet there are a few art studios in HK where you can just go in to paint - maybe he can do that and meet some people there? Obviously he needs to get out of the house. Are there any sports or activities you can do together to get him out there? Are you members of any clubs? Does your school have a "trailing husbands" group? Or perhaps your can seach meetup.com or post a question on AsiaXpat.com. HK has such a welcoming expat community with a million opportunites to be social. Obviously the hardest part is getting out there the first time, but maybe with you by his side that will help ease him in.
The only thing that sucks more than being a trailing spouse with no job and no friends is when you spend time with people you don't click with, but feel obliged to socialise with. It just makes you lonelier. He needs a way to meet enough people that he'll find one he can truly click with. How about some sort of class, like a language, or a sport? Assuming he's not allowed to work, can he volunteer at any Spanish language schools?
And has he tried medication?
This sounds like a great opportunity for him to meet other Spanish-speakers, and hopefully find some he gets along well with! Maybe instead of "pushing him" to go, you can "pull him along"? In other words, you could tell him you're going because you think it sounds like fun and you want to speak Spanish with someone other than him? Maybe that will help him get over his reluctance to go.
I agree with the others than culture shock can take more than 4 months to get over, especially if you don't really have a purpose in being there (that you can discern, anyway). The first year I was here it wasn't until I had been here about 9-10 months that I really felt like I had started to develop some friends. At the time I was just an exchange student, so not in the spouse situation, but culture shock can be hard no matter what. I almost didn't come for the second exchange year because I was so afraid it would be like the first. To avoid that, I jumped head-first into a social activity and after a month had some regular thing every night of the week except Saturdays. It turned out to be one of the best years of my life. If he can gradually start filling his calender with things he likes to do (painting in a nearby studio on Tuesdays, English class on Mon/Wed, Spanish evening on Thursdays, etc) then he might start to come out of the funk he's in.
Good luck. It sounds like a really difficult situation.
I am really sorry, this sounds like a difficult situation. HK is an amazing place and one I hope DH and I will be able to move to for a few years.
It sounds like you have some good suggestions, and would try to maybe do a date one day during the week. And you can go to the spanish place, etc. That would force him to get up, dressed and ready for the public Monday through Friday, not just on the weekends.
My other concern would be that if you are the breedwinner and moving to different countries was your long-term plan that his inability to adjust might be more than just a short-term issue. I would try to have a really honest conservation with your DH.
I really wish you the best of luck!
Two things. One, I think you need to tell him that what's going on is seriously effecting your marriage and that without counselling, it's really going to go downhill. If he cares about your marriage, he'll at least go to therapy. I think reminding him that you care about him and you want the best for him, but that this was something you agreed to, is important. I do know that it's tough to be a male trailing spouse, but honestly, he's in one of the easier places as an expat to be (since it's so international).
Two, I work in an international school and breaking a contract won't mean you can work internationally any longer, as people have to break them for various reasons. If he goes to therapy and things aren't working out, then you need to talk to your Head about what is happening and that you might have to break the contract for the health of your marriage. I'm sure it won't be the first time nor the last. But you must realize that your DH may not be able to adjust to anywhere international at this point...some people aren't willing to try or they are just not ready for this sort of experience (I see it a lot).
I do think you could move back to the US and teach in private schools as they aren't cutting that many jobs and there are ALWAYS positions available (coming from someone who has done this so many times). Go through Carney Sandoe if you need to do this. Right now would be the time to do this as jobs are opening up in Feb - May.
Best of luck!
I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I wasn't a traditional trailing spouse, but DH had a job that started a week after we moved here and I didn't have anything set up ahead of time. The idea was that I'd get us organised and explore the city for a couple months while job-hunting and then find a job and settle in... that didn't exactly happen. I had a really, really hard time and ending up spending a lot of time in our flat for a couple months. There was theoretically no language barrier (although I couldn't understand a word anyone said to me for a while, I could read everything) but everything was just so different.
It took me a while to pull out of it. I started temping a few months into our time here and kind of inched my way back into the working world. It took me a year to find a job I really enjoy and longer than that to feel like I have my own group of friends (not just friends from DH's work). I wasn't as good at the adjustment as I assumed I would be and I imagine it all would have been a lot, lot worse if there was a language barrier as well.
I think it would be particularly hard without having a job as well, I have a lot of respect for anyone who can do that - I really need structure to my day apparently, I was a terrible SAHW. Any regular activities you can find for him that he might enjoy would help, but you can't force him to do anything, he has to get there on his own. What sorts of things did he do on his own back home?
I think it's still early to make any huge decisions, he might start getting more enthusiastic once he's more comfortable. But if he's really that unhappy, you definitely need to have a talk about what your plans are - if he's not going to enjoy new experiences and new places and travelling around a lot, you need to figure out how else you can live your lives together.
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Oh god, those first 6 months were awful. Positively awful!
I don't think I can add anything to what's already been said. I don't get why he thinks any other country will improve how he feels. A foreign country is a foreign country (unless he means 'home' or a Spanish speaking country).
Big hugs to you. I hope he can open up to you and then you can get to the core of what's going on.
I've got a trailing spouse and I think it is harder for men because of traditional views and the majority of trailing spouses still being women, etc. Or extremely camp life partners.
From my personal experience in Asia, the expat communities tend to have different circles - people that work in finance/big business, professional circles (international school teachers are typically in this one) travel/tourism (tour leaders/operators, western hotel staff, etc.) and English teachers / freelancers, etc.
Based on what you've written, you're trying to pull him into the professional expat circles, but he may be a lot more comfortable getting to know the travel / English teachers circles ( groups like this tend to have local pubs that they hang out at ) where there may be more people like him that maybe aren't native English speakers, do art and design, etc. These groups tend to be a lot more chilled out and relaxing, and he may find the trailing spouse title to be less intimidating socially.
Just a thought.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
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I was going to say, how about you attend one of those mixers, even if your H is not willing to go. Make friends with some of the people and invite them over for drinks and appetizers. Not an all night thing or major commitment. If your H is not willing to leave the house, invite some people over. The fact that no one will be on common ground (i.e. teaching or jobs) will be a great ice breaker.
I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time. I am a trailing spouse and I worked for the first 9 months we arrived. After I had our son I didn't return to work. I'm always encouraging my H to invite some of his work mates over so I can have some other adult interaction. When you don't have an outlet it can make for a difficult transition.
I really like this suggestion! At one point I didn't have any female friends here, so I wanted to get involved in some activities to meet some girlfriends, and I dreaded going to these things for the first time. Having someone else taking the initiative is a good way to get me over my fear of new situations.
OMG. I have so been there. I so am there, in a sense.
Life has improved dramatically for us since DH got a full time job. If your H cannot work there, and could work in the US, I strongly recommend a move to the US when the school year is over.
I worked in an international school in 09-10. I was on a two year contract but when I got engaged we realized it wasn't going to work for us to stay there for various reasons. I talked to the school director and my principal, they totally understood and I left on good terms.
It is true that the job market in the US isn't great right now for teachers, but it's getting better. It took me from June to the end of August to get a public school teaching job here but I did get one. Taking the chance of coming here was a much better option than having my marriage fall apart. We are still working through a lot of other issues, and having a new baby doesn't help, but I am almost positive we wouldn't still be together if we had stayed in the UAE.
Most men feel strongly that they should be a "provider" (whether they admit it or not). We are still having problems I think in large part because he resents that I make a lot more money than him right now....but it would be a disaster if he were still not working at all.
So that's my 2 cents...good luck!