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I'm not sure what direction to go
My sister and I haven't talked since April and I honestly don't think we ever will. Whatever was said is done and it's up to us to either get over it or keep holding a grudge against one another. I tried calling her in November but she wouldn't answer and only called back once to tell me she's not really interested in talking to me and to quit trying. She hung up right away and didn't even give me a chance to utter a word. So I have left her alone. Of course I wanted to get to the bottom of it all and just express to her how much she hurt me and also to apologize for what I said to her. I wanted to make it clear to her that she can't use me as a punching bag and that her anger all these years have been directed towards the wrong person. But she's not interested in what I have to say and she's already made me out to be the bad person with my family.
Though I wanted to discuss our sibling relationship and come up with a compromise that isn't the main reason I called. I live out of state and my husband, son, and I were planning to visit for a day. My 7year old son had been asking me if he could see his cousin and I told him I didn't know. I decided to call her and see if it was ok if we could see her daughter. I was going to ask her if she could bring her by our parents house (who she visits every week) so we could spend some time with her. But after I called and left a message I found out that she had told my step mom that she doesn't want to see me. So I left it at that.
Around Christmas time I was very conflicted about what to do for my niece. I wasn't sure if I should send her a present or not. If my sister won't allow her to see me then I figured she won't let her receive anything from me as well. I decided that I better not since my sister wanted me to leave her alone. Then 2 weeks before Christmas my son received some packages from my sister and I was a little shocked. So I decided that I should send my niece a Christmas present as well. When we visited my parents my sister didn't show up. Although I figured she wouldn't I was still hurt. However, I kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to cause any more drama. I did have my son send her a thank you card for the presents but received no response.
So what I'm wondering is what direction should I go from here? She doesn't want to see or speak to me nor let her daughter come near me or my family. She knew my son wanted to see her and his cousin but she wasn't interested. Yet she sent him a present which was nice of her but now I'm conflicted about it all. She hurt him but then in a way is sending him a gift signed with love and the word "Aunt." In the future when my son asks when can I see my Aunt what am I supposed to tell him? In a way I'd rather stop all communication and perhaps stop the gift sending too. I know my sister really well and it wouldn't surprise me if she didn't tell her daughter that the gift I sent her was from me. Her daughter is also 4 and doesn't completely understand what is going on. My son just 7 and in his mind he doesn't understand why his aunt doesn't want to see us or why she wouldn't let him see his cousin. All I told him was that she and I fight too much.
I suspect that one day she may apologize but I think it'll only be when her daughter is old enough to understand the situation and begins asking why she can't see us. Then am I supposed to just welcome her back into my life just because one day she suddenly realizes how hurt her daughter is going to be by all this? What about my son? She could care less right now about his feelings. In the past when we fought she told me that although we don't care about each other we should get along for the sake of our kids. First of all, she's the one that suggested we don't "care about each other" because I never felt that way towards her. Secondly, her suggestion that we get along for "the sake of our kids" didn't sit well with me. I think it's because I didn't feel she meant it and has proven she didn't since she won't even talk to my son. She was also the one who I had chosen as my son's god mother when he was 3 months old. Now all my feelings toward her have changed and I find that as each day passes I want nothing more to do with her. I love my niece but I fear she will never know me because her mother won't let her. I have decided (rightly or wrongly) that I will not bother my sister anymore and therefore will not send my niece anything for birthdays/Christmas. However, I will be depositing money in an account which I plan on giving her someday when she's an adult. I will be moving soon and will not be giving her my address or phone number so she will not have a mailing address to send anything to my son. I do not want her sending anything and would rather she leave us alone. Am I wrong for feeling this way and should I let my son accept any gifts from her in the future if I won't be sending anything to my niece? I know I'm probably going in the wrong direction with this but what else can I do? Regardless, if I send something to my niece or not my sister 's ignoring me and I'll never really know if my niece was told she received something from me. It'll feel more comforting to know I am not bother anyone or being ignored if I just don't send anything at all. I'm hoping when my niece is an adult I can have a relationship with her but until then I can't do anything to change the situation. Maybe someone here can tell me what the correct way is to deal with all of this? Am I wrong to cut all communication with her?
Re: I'm not sure what direction to go
You're all over the place here. One minute, you sound grief-stricken over the fact that your sister doesn't want to see you... And then you sound angry and declare you want nothing to do with HER.
What exactly happened? And stop projecting into the future about having a relationship with your niece when she's an adult. Just take it one day at a time here.
I think I'm both hurt and at the same time angry. I just don't want to have to explain to my son every year why he can't see his cousin or why his aunt doesn't want to see him. I won't go into detail with him what happened except to say she and I just don't get along and that none of it is his fault. He asks about seeing his aunt and cousin because they were very important people in his life and he's been hurt by this too since we don't speak to each other anymore. He's 7 years old...he is old enough to realize something has happened.
Without going into detail my sister and I don't really get along. We come from a dysfunctional family and she seems to use me as a punching bag. To make a long story short our mother abandoned us and she's taken her hatred towards her out on me my entire life. For a long time I just took her verbal abuse and shrugged it off until I could no longer do it anymore. When I tried telling her how I felt she got defensive and starting verbally attacking me. I said something real mean and nasty back and she hasn't talked to me since. I realize I should have probably not said anything because I really didn't know how to handle the situation. But it was either say something or let her continue hurting me.
My grandmother had some solid, old school grudges against her sisters. It was common knoweldge. We didn't ask about it. This isn't going to be a fresh wound for your son every year - its going to be normal.
I think you are very angry and very unresolved about the conflict and the underlying reasons that led to it. And I think you can't resolve it with her, she's just not capable - you have to resolve it without her.
Let her go. She has made it clear that she doesn't want anything more to do with you. As hard as that may be for you to accept, it probably is for the best.
I would no longer accept gifts from her for your son nor send any for your niece. It's passive aggressive and puts the kids in the middle. You don't need to go into a long explanation with your son about what has happened. He will take his cue from you and will quit asking about his aunt and cousin after a while.
And yes, for your son - he'll "get over it" in time too. But it depends on how you handle it. If you make it this emotional issue and you "don't know what happened", blah blha blah, he may hold on to it more. But if you're more matter of fact about it "Sometimes family members don't get along and aren't close. It's o.k. to be sad and miss your aunt and cousin, but this is how it's going to be for awhile." and then focus his attention on the people who are an active part of his life!
The more YOU focus on your sister, the more he will. So - don't. Focus on the other people in your life.
As for your neice - if your sister does the same, honestly, I dnot' know that I really see her starting to ask about you all and being hurt, etc. She's younger, her reality is a different reality than your sons. You're kind of assigning YOUR feelings to the neice, and quite honestly - you may come to find that when she's an adult, she doesn't really "know" who you are or care. So..... save money for her if you want, but realize that it may not become this happy family reunion in 20 years.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10