Buying A Home
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
how can I get DH to move on house hunting?
My DH is so gun shy to start our search. We went to look at something last week (just a drive by, no realtor) and it wasn't for us. DH was so disappointed I he didn't say a word the whole way home and looked as if he was going to cry. He told me when we got back home that he didn't want to look at anything else b/c it would just suck.
I know it's hard but any advice on how to get him to feel better about looking? I had this issue even getting him to look at rentals and eventually I just had to tell him - okay this is where we are going, done. I can't do that with a house b/c this is where we plan to stay for the forseeable future.
Re: how can I get DH to move on house hunting?
I got mine motivated 2 ways.
First, since he is a numbers nerd, showed him what we could afford. I had a gigantic spreadsheet that had our budget, how much the house price could be, interest rate, how much the payment would be of our take home pay. Then we agreed on what we could afford.
Second, I showed him some listings online. I went through and narrowed down what I liked and what I think he would like, then I showed them to him. One at a time. Slowly. When he found some that he liked, I made note of them. This way, when we went to look, he had idea of what was in our price range and what he liked. Or you can have him list what he wants, you list what you want, compromise, then show him the internet listings. It could show him that there are some houses out there that don't suck.
Do you know why he has that attitude? Is your area really expensive and he just feels defeated? Is he scared about the committment of home ownership? Is he just lazy and doesn't want to do the leg work?
I think you need to talk about the reasons underlying his lack of enthusiasm. I would not want to seriously look for a home unless DH were 100% on board.
I have a very conservative hubby - so I knew that this would be a long drawn out process from the start, and that we would probably piss off a realtor (as I think we are well on our way of doing).
The way we are going it is looking without any pressure of a time frame. If we don't find a house we like this year, then we will buy next year or the year after that. The longer we wait, the larger the potential down payment and the lower the monthly payments. If you pitch it to him like this - that there is no rush and that you don't have to buy unless something right comes around - maybe he will be more open?
agreed.
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I agree with pps - why would you be so upset after just driving by a house? Is he disappointed that he can't afford an updated, really nice house? Is he overwhelmed by all the work a house will be?
Just ask him why he's so upset.
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He's VERY conservative and cautious a good thing but I think he takes it to extreme levels. He also seems to think everyone is trying to cheat him. I missed out on a fabulous rental house b/c he thought it was overpriced an now, we live in just an okay rental for guess what - more money b/c he was so convinced that everyone was trying to rip us off! Grrr.
We are looking in a VERY low cost of living area. We make decent money - heck for this area, we are probably considered wealthy but our income does fluctuate.
I'm totally on board with living beneath our means and I am thankful he is this way but if he wants to live his dream which is having a house with 10 acres or more in a specific area and wants it for the kind of money he wants to pay, I need him to get motivated to look b/c it won't be easy. My H thinks he can find a house for under 100K. I keep telling him it won't happen (more like 150-200K is realistic) but I am trying.
He is very specific about his wants and needs for the property and I think we need to get moving b/c what he wants will take time to find.
I thinks its odd too but my H was the same way about rental apts. He was refusing to look. I mean, so what if the house sucks? There will be another house.
One thing I have considered is that my H is from overseas. If we buy, it means he's committed to staying in the US. He says this is what he wants to do but I can understand why this might be hard for him. Buying a home that we plan to stay in means he likely won't return to his country where his entire family lives. He's then committed to being an American.
For the record I am willing to live where he wants to. We both want to have a hobby farm and both chose the area where we are currently living and plan to stay. He always tells me how he loves it but when we buy, we are here for good.
He sounds conservative and irrational. That's a tough combo. Have you tried pulling sales from zillow to show what houses go for in your area? "Look honey, this is exactly what we're looking for....it sold 3 months ago for $150,0000."
Do you guys have a budget? efund? sufficient retirement savings? down payment savings? Have you crunched the numbers? If you go through all that, it will probably give him peace of mind. Go over to the Money Matters board if you need help w/finances.
I think pulling comparables from zillow and other sites is a great idea. That way you can show him what things are going for in this market.
Also, you say he is worried the houses won't be nice inside. How about watching some decorating shows like Design on a Dime or get some magazines on decorating? You can get some ideas for how to do some decorating for cheaper and then perhaps even if the house is not exactly how you want it right now, he will be able to see how you can make it how you want it for not too much money.
I think this is probably a HUGE part of his hesitation. My SIL is from Italy and she shared with me that, even though she and my brother were married and had lived in the US for a few years before buying a home (he was military so they rented a lot), buying a home (in her mind) meant she was always going to live here. It was a very "permanent" idea for her. She said that logically she knew that she was not going to live in Italy again even without the home and that they could sell the house if they wanted to move...there was just something about owning a home that made it feel like a much bigger decision than just buying a house.
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