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DH's nocturnal "hobby"
OK, I think I've posted about this before (a few years ago), but it's still going on, moreso in fact. A couple of years ago if DH couldn't sleep and he thought I was asleep, he'd go into the living room to masturbate (I know because he'd start in bed and then go to the bathroom where I'd hear him grab some tissues and go in the living room, where the squeakiness of the couch would give him away). Now, when DH and I go to bed at night, DH waits til he thinks I'm asleep and masturbates in bed. I'm not asleep, which is how I know about this. How could I sleep with all the bed motion he's creating? I'm reasonably sure he doesn't want me to know about it, since if I'm facing away from him he'll just lie on his back and do it, but if I'm facing him, he turns on his side, away from me. With my eyes closed, I've opened them just enough to see him look over his shoulder to make sure I'm "asleep" before he starts.
Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with what he's doing. It's where he's doing it. Does it not seem creepy to anyone that he waits til his wife is "asleep" and jerks off next to her? Why am I no longer given the courtesy of him going to another room? Go into the bathroom that's connected to our room, for chrissake!
So many times I've tried to bring this up to him, but I just can't bring myself to. I have considered "waking up" and catching him in the act, because I think if I were to bring it up at any other time, I think he'd just deny it and get angry.
FYI, we don't have sex very often. It's mostly my fault because after our son was born I had almost no sex drive and it hasn't really come back. He rarely tries to get me in the mood. I ask him once in awhile (like last night, after I'd heard him jerking off in bed the night before) if he misses our intimate times. He said, "I don't really think about it much." Well, apparently he does! Just not with me. I feel like he doesn't want me, he just wants to pleasure himself, and I'm so very hurt by this.
Thoughts would be appreciated. TIA.
Re: DH's nocturnal "hobby"
I've read that some guys keep a regular schedule of masturbation because they believe in the "use it or lose it" mentality. Guys worry about things like not being able to get/stay hard or not last long enough, so they do what they need to keep performance reliable. Maybe he's not leaving the room because he believes you're sleeping and is just too lazy to get up if he doesn't think it's necessary?
Sorry, not much help here. Just thinking that it might be less about you & more about him.
You just said you have no desire and no interst since your son was born, and now you are upset with him because he doesnt want you? you cant have it both ways. if you arent going to try then why should he?
i also find it odd that you expect your h to leave his bed to go masturbate, it is HIS bed too and most people maturbate there. i dont think it is creepy at all given your relationship with him and sex.
Why not wake up and join him, help him out, or just watch him?
Why should he have all the burden of getting you in the mood? I'm guessing you've probably rejected him before when he tried to after your son was born, and now it sounds like he just doesn't want to bother you. It's also possible that he said he doesn't really think about it much because he doesn't want to hurt you because you don't have sex with him / make you feel pressured to have sex with him.
It seems like you want him to read your mind. You want him to "know" that he should go to another room to masturbate, but he has no idea that he's keeping you up at night. You want him to "know" that you're hurt and "know" that you want to be put in the mood, but you don't tell him any of these things. It seems like the biggest problem going on here is you and your refusal to communicate the things in your head to your husband.
Maybe instead of telling us all these things you should try talking to him. Or better yet, slip on a slinky teddy, light some candles and jump him! Why should he have to be the one to set the mood? You want it, go get it girl!
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Just because you're not feeling the urge or the need to orgasm / release / "get off", whatever you want to call it, doesn't mean that he feels the same way. It's human nature to want to release regularly.
The fact that he's doing it next to you could be for various reasons. Convienence is one of them - it's his bed as well. One other reason could be as a passive-agressive way of letting you know that since you aren't taking care of business he's got to do it himself.
Contrary to popular belief the male ego is easily bruised - love makes one vulnerable. In most relationships there's generally one who initiates more than the other. If he's the one who initiated more and you've acted disintrested in his advances or turned him down, then he's probably feeling hurt or resentful. If he's used to you being the initiatior and those initiations aren't happening, he may also feel hurt or resentful. This may explain why he turns you down the few times you do ask - kind of a "turn the tables" type of mentality.
Communication is key here - just talk to him about it. That's all you can do.
FWIW, I never flat out told him I have NO interest in sex. I told him I have less. But if he comes to bed in the mood, HE can communicate that to ME and maybe then I'd respond and join in. But he just goes for the hand.
And for the record, before DS, I was the one to initiate and he turned me down plenty of times - including when I was pregnant. Not that I'm trying to do this, but it's more me turning the tables on him to refuse, not the other way around.
Then why did he USED to go to another room to do it?
FYI, we don't have sex very often. It's mostly my fault because after our son was born I had almost no sex drive and it hasn't really come back.
You know if you keep shooting someone down they eventually give up..and why should he have to beg his wife for sex? He goes for the hand because it is a no lose situation for him. Its been almost 2 year with a non exsistant sex life with you.
and we arent talking about before you were pregnant we are talking about now.
maybe he is waiting for you to communicate to him that youd like to have sex, you know because he is never is sure.
FYI, we don't have sex very often. It's mostly my fault because after our son was born I had almost no sex drive and it hasn't really come back.
You know if you keep shooting someone down they eventually give up..and why should he have to beg his wife for sex? He goes for the hand because it is a no lose situation for him. Its been almost 2 year with a non exsistant sex life with you.
and we arent talking about before you were pregnant we are talking about now.
maybe he is waiting for you to communicate to him that youd like to have sex, you know because he is never is sure.
FYI, we don't have sex very often. It's mostly my fault because after our son was born I had almost no sex drive and it hasn't really come back.
You know if you keep shooting someone down they eventually give up..and why should he have to beg his wife for sex? He goes for the hand because it is a no lose situation for him. Its been almost 2 year with a non exsistant sex life with you.
and we arent talking about before you were pregnant we are talking about now.
maybe he is waiting for you to communicate to him that youd like to have sex, you know because he is never is sure.
FYI, we don't have sex very often. It's mostly my fault because after our son was born I had almost no sex drive and it hasn't really come back.
You know if you keep shooting someone down they eventually give up..and why should he have to beg his wife for sex? He goes for the hand because it is a no lose situation for him. Its been almost 2 year with a non exsistant sex life with you.
and we arent talking about before you were pregnant we are talking about now.
maybe he is waiting for you to communicate to him that youd like to have sex, you know because he is never is sure.
You have no sex drive and haven't for months. Instead of talking about it and working things out, you lay awake pretending to be asleep, sneaking peeks at him and presuming the absolute worst about him that you can, which is that he no longer wants you. You cannot possibly imagine that your husband wants to have no sex with you and only whack off alone in the dark when he thinks you're asleep; you know this is not his 'ideal' for your married life .
You won't resolve this till you deal with your own lack of sex drive, which likely has a physical component, and until you speak to him frankly and kindly. "Do you miss our intimate times" is not a question designed to make him think you want him; you have not wanted him for a long long time. Try saying "Honey, I know we have had no sex life for a long time,and I'm going to go to the doctor to find out how I can get my sex drive back, because since the baby came I just cannot get it back by myself and I really miss that part of our life together and I want to make it better". And you say "I've already got a doctor's appointment to see what kind of hormone tests they can run to help me with this".
Laying awake in the dark pretending to sleep while you secretly listen to your dh whack off and brood on what that all means, as in he must not want you, is weird, frankly, and doing nothing about your loss of libido and expecting your dh to not be really unhappy and lonely about this is not realistic or useful. GO TO YOUR DOCTOR. WORK ON YOUR SEX DRIVE. TALK TO YOUR DH. Without blaming or accusing. You're a huge part of this problem here.
Maybe he didn't want to bother you. And now, maybe he hopes against hope that you'll wake up and join in. or MAYBE he doesnt' think it bothers you since you lay there pretending to be asleep.
Or maybe, if you really want to know why he USED to go to the other room, you could ASK.
If he's been turned down a few times or gets the vibe that you aren't interested, turning to hand isn't all that hard of a choice. The hand is always ready when he is, rarely dissapoints, knows exactly what he likes, and a disagreement never turns into any type of argument or fight. If you think the issue is simply about rubbing one out next to you in bed, then just skip to the last part of this post that speaks to seeing someone about your issues. If you understand that the issue is likely lack of action, then read on...
I don't know how you let him know that there's "less" of an interest in sex, but any way you tell him pretty much lets him know that there's a pretty good chance that he's going to be in for disappointment if he tries. As a guy, I can tell you that there's not much that's more disappointing, frustrating, and ego-diminishing than anticipating some action throughout the day only to have your wife either deny you, ignore your suggestions and advances, or simply just go to sleep. It gets to the point where it's like "Why bother?"
The good thing though is the "Why bother?'"'s are generally a temporary situation with a somewhat simple fix - have sex. If you're resentful that he's masturbating in bed next to you, or if you're resentful at him that he's resentful at you for not having regular sex with him make an effort to fix it. I realize it can be tough with the little ones taking their toll on your day-to-day, but just like other situations in life where you just have to put on a smile and bear it, you might just have to do it here. (I guarantee that having sex will end better than a dreadful meeting at work, a final exam, etc..)
Try and ignore the fact that you aren't in the mood. Make a note, be it mental or a post-it note that you will remember to see to initiate sex with your H. If you have the opportunity, don't wait for adult bedtime. After your little one is gone to bed and you're watching TV, talking, cleaning up, whatever it is you do after your little one goes to bed, give it a go. Start making out, whatever it is you know you and your H like. A few minutes of that and you both will be in the mood and will likely forget all about any resent or bad feelings. Even if you have to force it the first few times, keep it up. The best way to get in the mood to have more sex is to have more sex. As busy adults, we forget this sometimes.
Talk to him - let him know exactly how you feel. Telling the Internet may make you feel like you have it off your chest but it does nothing to help him know that you either realize something is amiss and want to fix it.
In all honesty, if something like this doesn't work then maybe it's time you two see someone about your issues.
OP, I say that you two need to communicate. If you feel that your H doesnt "want" you then there is definitely a problem.
Yes, I would find it strange that my H is masturbating nightly in bed with me WHILE I am sleeping. However, I would take a look at myself and ask myself "what am I not doing?" Because i'm quite sure your husband would rather have sex with his wife then continuing to use his hand....Just a thought.
GL to you and I hope you two can talk about your issues.
I agree that this behaviour could be creepy to you and it would be to me if my boyfriend lay in bed masturbating by my side. But you are certainly very lucky and I am super jealous since my boyfriend has no sex drive. In my opinion it's great that he still has an active an healthy sex drive and you should appreciate it and start recipocating. Get yourself in the mood early in the day and at night when he starts to masterbate, join in and have fun. This is what will keep the chemistry alive between you too and make sure he doesn't stray to another woman. If you pretend to wake up while he's in the midst, you avoid the confrontation of bringing it up land having the conversation ike 'I know what you do in bed everynight while I sleep' and clearly he seems like a non-confrontational type. I am certain he will appreciate it and recipocate towards you and not his hand. Also I think he's masterbating in bed beside you because he secertly wants you to know so that you can do something about it..i.e. join in!
So go watch some X rated movie if you can...or go sink yourselve in a a hot bath and just think of all the romantic and hot steamy nights you used to have and join him tonight and get the chemistry back in your relationship!
P.S. I'm jealous that you have a man with a healthy and active sex drive....just think of all the woman who are with men that don't want to have sex or even masterbate and that reject their women, cause they have no sex drives....do it for us!!!!!
I really, really think it's this. I'd put money on it. But jeez, the two of you really need to learn to effing communicate! Whining about it here is not going to do either of you any good. Talk to your husband. TELL him you're ready to accept his advances again. Make a move on him, FFS. He shouldn't be required to initiate, especially when you've been routinely rejecting his attempts in the past to the point that he apparently doesn't feel like even asking any more.
I am really hoping you over compensate in other aspects of your marriage with this man, because personally I would not put up with your BS selfish attitude on this.
If your lack of sexual desire continues there is a very strong chance he will seek out another woman to fullfill his needs. Will he be in the wrong for doing that...yes of course. Should you be surprised is he does...no.
It 'bottles' my mind that ALL the things that all the pp's said isn't common sense to the OP.
I guess common sense just isn't so common.
Excellent comments on this thread so far!
The worrying thing about this is the apparent complete lack of any intimacy, friendship or even kindness,....' A maximum of loneliness and a minimum of privacy '
Next time this happens, roll up against his back, put your arm around him, your hand over his and get involved in the action,..whisper in his ear that you don't want anything yourself but that you DO want to be involved in his pleasure. DON'T just get the job done,..give him something to smile about!
Likewise, when he showers, make sure you get in on the drying off and 'apply the powder'... If he enjoys a relaxing bath, tell him you will be in 'to scrub his back'
If you have no interest in restarting basic intimacy and physical friendship then do everyone a favour, inlcuding your young son, and get a divorce underway asap.
Well. . .I see the comments are slightly insulting and some are. . .well interesting.
I am going to say something that has been said before but breaking it down.
1) Counseling
You have lost some of your "Mojo" and it is time to bring it back. Go seek couseling or get DH involved if you wish. There is a lack of communication here. Are you scared to talk to him about it or catch him in the act?
2) Doctor Appointments
Your lack may be medical. Express this to your gyne. Sex is fun and while that child is sleep at night is the perfect opportunity to "jump on that" so to speak.
3) Caught in the act
Nothing says, "Porn star" like you pretending to be sleep and your hand somehow reaches over to his shaft and goes wild. Or you turning on your side and softly kissing his neck and encouraging him to work you like that shaft.
I speak for all the sexually oppressed wives on here when I say, "WORK HIM!" but this is when you get that mojo flowing. Good luck on that. This is not a matter of divorce but communication and getting help where needed. And yes, I totally wish MH would do that nightly "habit". He usually snores and wakes me up at night. Once again, good luck and keep us updated on what happens.
Sorry, this is wrong. If a man loves you he doesn't turn to other women. A selfish and immature person cheats.
If he feels his needs aren't filled than he needs to talk about it.
If you feel this is odd behaviour, if you feel he needs to go to another room, TALK to him. Talk to him about what you are feeling, open the lines of communication.
I have not been married long at this point however, I am have been on this earth long enough to know there is more to a marriage than sex and more to cheating than the lack of sex in a marriage.