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Explaining divorce to 4 yr old
For those of you who have had to break the divorce news to your small child(ren)... please give me some tips. I have been talking to my therapist about it and also doing some research and reading about it, but I want to hear from real people how you handled it & how things went and/or are going.
Since my stbx and I are still living together (until divorce is final), we haven't said anything to DS yet. So much of where we are going to live, and when this is all going to happen is up in there air, so I don't want to say anything to him until it is all ironed out and we will be living separately. I've read not to tell a 4 yr old too early on before any changes are really made. I know we'll tell DS together and of course let him know it's not his fault, we love him very much, always will and that we will always be family... but any other tips would be GREATLY appreciated! My stomach and heart hurt so much just thinking about having to have this conversation with him. He idolizes his daddy and misses me if I just go out to the gym for an hour... It just breaks my heart thinking about how sad he is going to be 
Re: Explaining divorce to 4 yr old
I was 7 when my parents separated and I lived with my Mom full-time. I went through many different emotions and she would let me express them the way I wanted. I remember telling her how much I hated her (of course I didn't), I remember drawing pictures of my feelings, I would cry a lot and she told me it was okay to cry.
She would always tell me to try and talk out my feelings, but many times I was too sad to "talk" them out and that's when she asked if I preferred to draw them, write them (of course I was a bit older than 4). I also would get behind the dinning room table and kick and scream. It was rough and emotional but she always told her that it wasn't my fault and that they both still loved me (it didn't help that Dad pretty much abandoned me after that, but that's a different story).
Drawing pictures of my feelings worked probably the best for me. I have never been good at expressing myself verbally, so the drawings worked well.
I think what you're doing is great and I am sorry that you're going through it. I am sure there will be some tough moments. :::HUGS:::
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
Since it's on the horizon, I would take every opportunity I could to point out different "types" of families everywhere you go. "oh look, your friend Billy lives with just his mom, isn't that cool?", "Hey your Sally has two moms" "Do you know Bobby lives with his grandparents". "oh, Andy was adopted" I guess I'd try to make it seem more "normal" for him. My DS was 7 and we talked a lot about me growing up with just my mom, some of his friends live with one or the other or grandparents, etc.
I'd also do a lot of the "mommy and daddy love you no matter what" kind of stuff. There's going to be confusion, there has to be since he's too little to understand, but do the best you can to make it feel less chaotic and more normal, if that makes sense.
My DS had some issues and struggled to adjust after coming back from a weekend with my XH so we did start counseling, which helped me find appropriate ways to cope. Thankfully, XH and I can get along ok, so we all spend time together regularly (at basketball, soccer, etc) and plan to celebrate DS's adoption anniversary together every year.
Hugs to you and your LO
How long will you still be living together?
We lived together for about 2 months after we decided to divorce. DS was three and a half. We started by having ex move into the spare bedroom, since I would be staying in the house with ds. We said that we both decided we wanted our own rooms. Then when ex was preparing to move out, we said that we have decided that we each want our own house ... but the "cool" thing is that that means ds would have two rooms! And two sets of toys! How exciting, right!?!?
The week ex was moving out, we explained in a bit more detail. They don't need to know the whys at this age. They need to know how it affects them. We reminded him that we each wanted our own house and told him that this meant he would have special time with mommy and special time with daddy. By then we knew what the division of time would look like, so we told him what that was for each day. We all went together to look at daddy's new apartment and show ds which room would be his.
It was a little hard when ex first moved out. Since I have primary physical custody, and I stayed in the house, ds asked me a lot about why daddy didn't love us anymore. I explained that he still loves ds very much, but that mommy and daddy are just friends now. And I used a lot of analogies about sharing ... we share toys and we share time with ds because we both love spending time with him, but now that we are in different houses we have to learn to share.
The hardest part at that age is that there aren't a lot of divorced families at preschool. So no one had a family like his. DS started Kindergarten this year, and there are a lot more divorced parents. Kids at this age seem to understand and accept it more, because it is more common. So you may feel like the only single mom in the class for a while, but I assure you that will change (unfortunately).
The other night, ds told me that he misses me when he is at daddy's and misses daddy when he is with me, but he is glad we both get special time. I think he has come to terms with it. It has been just over two years since ex moved out.
Hope that helps a little.
Oh, and there were a few good books I got to read with ds. Two Homes for Tyler. and When Mommy and Daddy Forgot How to Be Friends (or something like that).
Oh and don't be surprised at regression behavior or weird "tests" ds puts you through when stbx first moves out.
DS started some baby talk when ex first moved out.
He also got mad at me one morning and went in his room and peed on the floor to get my attention.
After that I sat him down and basically said, "Lots of times it will just be mommy and ds from now on. It is just us in the house. We won't always be happy with each other. We may make each other mad. But we are a team, and we have to talk to each other so that we can stay a good strong team. If you are mad at mommy, don't pee on the floor. Tell me that you are mad at me and tell me why so we can talk about it." I just repeated that when he'd act up. Now he knows we are a team and is really good at telling me when he is upset. I was lucky that my ds was very verbal early on, so things like this worked.
True statement. My DS was 7 and had some temper tantrums and even pooped in his pants one day.
Thank you to the original poster for posting this question, I have been really struggling with this.
And thank you formerlyAK, this sounds like a perfect way to do it.
I don't have any advice to offer as I haven't had to cross that bridge yet. However in my research I found this handbook that offers a lot of great advice for parenting through/after a divorce. Maybe it can be of help to you.
http://www.nycourts.gov/ip/parent-ed/ParentsHandbook.pdf