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He shuts down when we need to talk.
I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and last year we went through hell. I'm not going to get into it too much but at one point he ended up in a mental institution. It didn't seem to matter what I did to help he was just gonna wreck himself. A year later we are MUCH better but he still has major issues when it comes to communication. I've researched as much as I can and asked a counselor about how to get him to open up but it's almost as if he is either hiding something or has no idea how to work his emotions.
An example of this actually happened tonight when he wanted sex. I wasn't feeling up to it and sometimes I get a little angry because he behaves as if I should drop every thing when he wants sex but when I want it he won't give me the time of day. So when he tried to initiate sex recently, and I didn't want to, he just threw up his hands and walked away (this is his normal reaction when he doesn't get what he wants). I tried telling him my reason and he just tuned me out. He then said he didn't want to talk because he had to get up early. So why did he even want sex?
In short I'm getting tired of dealing with his spoiled child routine. I've done so much for him over the years that I'm afraid I've conditioned him to behave this way. This is my first real relationship and I'm giving it my all but sometimes I seriously consider calling it quits. I've altered my behavior to help combat this but he still won't communicate like I'd hoped. Help me! What am I doing wrong?
Re: He shuts down when we need to talk.
Actually, you both sound like you need some relationship counseling.
Your post gives me the feeling that you have some resentment from the stresses of your past. You get angry when he asks (for whatever reason) and he responds in a juvenile fashion. Not very productive.
Now, you didn't elaborate as to whether he is on medication or seeking some assistance for his mental health issues. Is he actively tackling his problems/issues?
This relationship may have just run its course. You may have too much baggage from the stressful time and he may not be in a place where he can have a healthy relationship. It is ok to break up with someone. No one has to be an @sshole for you guys to decide it just isn't the forever relationship. Sometimes it just isn't working and walking away while you are still friendly is a very mature thing to do.
I agree with this, specifically. You sound resentful with everything you've been through with this guy, in addition to maybe just going in different directions. It's cool. That's what dating is all about. And if this is your first real relationship, all the more reason to get out there and find a relationship that's less maintenance and stressful.
Carpe diem.
There are red flags all over this post.
It's not supposed to be this hard, especially when you are just dating. It gets even harder once you have shared finances, kids, in laws, holidays to split up between two families, etc. You sound miserable, and there is absolutely no reason why you should stay that way. It's time to move on and you will eventually find someone who is a much better match.
He's also manipulative and controlling.
Do yourself a favor and call it a day with him. You're wasting your time with him.
Thanks everyone for the great input, but I'm afraid I'm not the type of person to give up easily. As for the mental break down he had for a while he has bounced back and doesn't need meds. We have been to counseling but we should go more. And yes many of you are right that I still carry resentment for what happened. I wish I didn't, it seems immature to hold a grudge, I need to work on that. I understand that if I do break-up with him it's not the end of the world, but, I also feel that this could possibly work if we both learn to overcome our problems and grow together.
Again, thank you all for responding.
in my experience people tend to learn form and overcome their problems when they break up, it gives you a chance to reflect and do better in the next relationship
it is your life and your choice but please keep in mind that ending a relationship that isn't going in the right direction is not 'giving up' it's making the mature choice to find a better fit