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Anyone else feel this way single or not?
I feel like I'm irreversibly damaged from my marriage. I have highs and then I have lows. I'm so flip floppy in what I want. Some days I'm happy and other's I'm miserable. I had a counseling session tuesday and she thinks that from me living at home with this many people in one house that even though I'm over my ex husband, I never really had time to think or deal with the lingering issues that were left over.
An example: When I was with XH, he had surgery for his galbladder. I was on pins and needles the whole time. I slept on a pull out chair 7 months pregnant that made each side go numb. I was so involved emotionally. When Z had his surgery the other day, I was just numb. Nowhere near the feelings that I had with XH. It really scared me that I could be like that. I have found that with a lot of things. Even with previous guys I've dated, when they messed up I was just "oh well, Next!". I wasn't upset or dwelled on it.
Re: Anyone else feel this way single or not?
XH had an awful temper and was abusive. I walked on egg shells the whole time we were together and even now I still walk on egg shells in my relationships when I don't have to.
I don't believe that anyone is "irreversibly damaged" from bad relationships. We've all had our share of them (for me it started with my parents). But you have to be willing and open to change your patterns and work on the reasons WHY you think/feel/act certain ways. Its HARD work, but counseling, keeping a journal and reading a lot about it will help you get there. You have a lot of stuff going on at home and adding Z (and all the emotions that a relationship brings) is just making everything harder for you (IMO). I remember only bits and pieces of your story with Z, but it truly sounds like as much as you may have feelings for him, you just aren't truly ready to date because honestly, you sound like you are very emotionally unavailable..(I get it cuz I am too.) I think you need to take a time out from dating altogether and work hard at your 'issues'. I am not divorced yet (hopefully it will be final w/in the next mo or 2), and at first I thought I wanted to date immediately... then quickly realized the patterns that I have always followed in all of my relationships and that I go after the wrong men. So, I've vowed to work on myself and my issues and not date anyone until I know that I don't feel damaged anymore. I wish you luck and hope you can get to that place too. (((hugs)))
I'm with Audg that maybe you're just not ready to date. Feeling numb is normal for a time but it shouldn't be how you feel in a relationship.
Personally, I am slightly damaged but it's not irreversible. XH was extremely controlling (I also walked on eggshells) and I have been working HARD on breaking away from the apathy that I embodied in my marriage that kept me from making him angry.
I agree with your conselor that living with so many other people might have stunted your healing because you went from drama with your XH to family drama. You never had time to yourself to figure things out.
This is me too, and it sucks
I'm getting better with current BF, but I don't know if he really, truly understands just how bad things were for me.
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I think you're right. XH walked out in Oct 2008 and our divorce didn't become final due to regulations, deployment and him being an asshat until June of this past year. So really my divorce is still relatively new because I didn't have to really deal with it for 3 years.
I disconnect myself. I hate it when I do this but it is a way of self protecting from abuse and trauma. It impacts all of my relationships whether it is family, friendships, co-workers, dating and etc. Now it is a habit and when trigger points happens or when I am afraid, I get emotionally numb so I don't feel or think in the present moment. It is like I put on a veil to filter out whatever is happening at the moment and I am not on earth mentally if that makes any sense. It is like my mind is in lala land.
Unfortunately, because I have been doing this for many years and had to endured many years of trauma, it is a hard thing for me to let go of. It is a mind battlefield that I deal with on a daily basis.
Fortunately, I finally found a wonderful therapist who gives me exercises on how to re-connect, how to self-meditate without the use of medicine(although I do have anxiety meds that I take on a "on needed" basis until I get better with self treating) , relaxing/breathing techniques and more mental tools for a better quality of living. She mentioned it will take an average of about 1 year of practice before I really change for good since our brains needs to be rewired and it takes time to work out the kinks. I just have to keep tweaking with baby steps and just keep progressing. I am into 7 months of weekly therapy so far.
I typed out a very wordy response that said exactly what you did. Thank you for doing a great job at summarizing my thoughts
Lurker posting for the first time.....
You articulated exactly how I feel. My current bf says there are times when it seems like I shut down or I'm not in the present....and it drives him nuts. It is totally my defense mechanism, but I've never been able to articulate it. Thank you.
I've also noticed that when my stress is really high that he gets on my nerves more. I just shut down when I hit my max and he can't stand when I get quiet on him and don't text him. When I'm off in lala land with Xanex then I'm fine but only because i have a "I don't give a fck" attitude.
The other observation is that he is "me" from 4 or 5 years ago. I've since changed dramatically since my marriage ended. When we decided to work on things 2 weeks ago, we decided to start as friends to see where it goes. I've realized that I haven't placed boundaries yet and he's slipping in to everything is fine again mode when it's not. Now i'm having to push him off again so he knows that things are magically fixed now.
It's hard to admit it and I think I'm still in a denial phase but yes I really think so. I'm counting down and should know when my closing date is within the next week or so.
I agree. I was in denial phase too bc I liked my XBF and its easier to stay and break up. I thought if I just ignored the issues that they would go away, but instead they festered and drove me crazy!
I also know how you feel, and I'm not going to say that I've 100% recovered from it either. I might still have a wall there to where I can't emotionally invest past a certain point. It's a self-preservation thing. Even though BF's all-in and very vocal about it, I still cannot let myself get that hurt again, ever. I'm like this in all my relationships now. Of course at work I'm praised for it - able to keep a cool head when under a lot of stress/pressure - but it worries me in my personal life. Honestly, I think I was always somewhat this way, after one of my best childhood friends died, but the divorce just made it worse.
I don't have problems attaching myself to others in the positive, loving, happy ways, but if shiit goes to hell I don't really know how I'll react. Obviously I need to figure that out. I'm probably overthinking it - it's just one of those things that I won't know until I'm faced with the situation. Maybe I'm just a person who keeps her cool under bad circumstances (the "rock" if you will) and I shouldn't feel bad about it.
I do. It's not as bad as when I was with STBXH, and it's gotten better over time, but i'm not sure how much better it will get and how much I'm just stuck with, and I can call a lesson learned the hard way.
Months ago, a guy I was dating, and felt close to, got mad - upset with me - and I just started crying. Super embarrassing, but it's because X used to get so physically and emotionally abusive when he was mad.
if you focus on being damaged, you are creating your relationship destiny
I revert back sometimes, but catch it mostly and work on healthy reactions without beating myself up
I think further discussion with your counselor is a good idea...it's a good sign that you are already thinking one step ahead
I agree with the PPs who say that your BF just might not be the right guy for you.
I totally get reverting back to old habits when you're with someone knew. I have been in a stupid "serial monogamist" cycle with the same types of guys (that never seem the same at first) for years. When I talked to my therapist about an upcoming date with someone new, she suggested I go for it, but just take time to check in with myself often. Creating boundaries is a learned behavior, just like an abusive H or BF will slowly break you down and "train" you to respond to abuse.
it's also important to take some time to "do you," though. So all I can say is follow your guy and constantly remind yourself who you are and how far you've come.