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Am I making a huge mistake?
I had posted earlier (almost 2 mos ago) about a situation that arose between H and I that caused us to go into a terrible whirlwind
see: http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/60740558/ShowThread.aspx#60740558
Alot gave great advice ....
Alot said I was blowing things out of propotion .....
I decided to end it with H. .... he didn't communicate with him ..... he has no motivation/initiative to change his situation .... I asked him where he sees himself in 5 years & he says "IDK" not even a house, kids, nothing ..... Before we were married he had all these dreams of advancing his career and now we're married a year later and he hasn't done ***, except for anything I had to PUSH him to do and REMIND him to do .... My parents say jeez if he can't do anything without your pushing & reminding, how could he ever handle a future house, kids, family, etc. (whcih seems true, yes).
Soemone posted a comment to hte extent of yes, he may be a great guy (heart of gold) but if he isn't a good partner, it won't work. I jsut dno't think we were meant to be married .... yes I love him, I really do, I care about him to no end, but .. I dont think we are going in the same direction together, happily ...
Am I just trying to rationalize everything b/c its so early in the separation ... am I right .... thoughts please?
you ladies are awesome in helping me pull through everything and see clearly i cant thank you all enough....
edit: I'll add I am 25 years old
Re: Am I making a huge mistake?
My initial reaction is that it seems that you are seeking a lot of advice and guidance from people who don't know your situation that well. If you really feel that there is no future with your H because of his poor financial decisions, then it's better to get out now than wait years and years. I think that you need to seek some counseling to help determine what YOU think. I would also advise spending some time with this decision without asking the advice of other people.
Maybe you and H can go to a marriage counselor to improve your communication skills with one another. Maybe you can go to a financial counselor to help you get out of some of your money issues and prepare for future financial obligations.
I have to agree with some of the PPs. I think you are blowing this out of proportion. I think this situation could be fixed IF you make the effort, and so does he.
i don't think you are blowing this out of proportion. i think his lie and the subsequent fall-out from it are both terrible stains on your future.
i also don't think that you coming to a message board for advice twice in two months is "asking a lot of advice from strangers". not sure what the dogdays is talkin about. sometimes we need clarity and advice from people who have been in similar situations. no harm in that.
anyway, i do think that counselling for yourself is the way to go. it will help you with all of these questions and assure that whatever you choose to do, will be the best for you.
good luck.
I read through your previous post and agree with some of the responder's comments about how much your parents are all in your business. You are an adult that chose to get married and as such, you are responsible for your own marriage - getting into it, solving the problems that come up and deciding whether or not to stay. The fact that you are living with your parents as an adult couple (even to save money for a house) tells me that there are some strings that need cutting. You even you cite your parents opinion in your first paragraph as a way to justify your decision.
I am not minimizing the problems you are having with your husband. Failing to disclose that he had co-signed a mortgage with his financially troubled parents was a Big Bad. And being a responsible person is a big factor in a partnership. Having similar plans and future goals is also critical.
But my impression from your post is that you seem very willing to walk away from this marriage and more importantly, that your parents are encouraging this. It just may be that you guys aren't compatible in the long run, bur your posts give off the attitude of entitlement and expectation with your parents feeding that mindset.
While what your SO did was wrong by not telling you, I'm going to guess he was in his early 20s when he signed for his parents. I have seen first-hand grown adults ask their children to sign for the good credit score. Most early 20s don't understand the magnitude of a mortgage and most probably trust their parents not to fck up the payments. My xILs actually came to my xSO and asked him to sign with them to refi their mortgage. I think had I not been married to him, he would have said yes out of obligation to his parents. They threw a lot of guilt on him about helping him out and he could surely help them out, couldn't he? My xBIL ended up signing for them...at age 26. He fully regrets it now, but he can't do a lot about it.
People make mistakes. To me, this is one that he made way before you came along and while it wasn't good of him to hide it, he may have been embarrassed. If he can work through this, I'd say he's on the right path. If he's putting no effort into resolving this, that would raise a red flag for me.
I think your parents need to back up and shut up. Get in counseling for him and you.
However, it seems you're pretty set on jumping ship and are looking for pats on the back to do so. If that is what you want, go for it. Just be warned there are going to be other men with skeletons in the closet, some more so than others. I'm kind of sad that you're upset that he hasn't advanced himself in just a year's time of marriage. Like, what exactly are your expectations of your partner?
I'm not letting my parents control my decision, they just play a role in my working through my thoughts and providing their input.
And I don't think I'm jumping ship too quickly b/c I'm not divorcing him, we are just taking time apart. And it isnt just because of all of this, he had hid more about the mortgage situation from me (Even after he promised he had shared it all with me). Also, his initiave/motivation to work on our relationship was lacking. We had severatl conversations before I finally said "ok i think we need time apart"
Oh please. You are LIVING with your parents. You are turning to them about every problem.
I'm unclear. In your original post, you said you decided to end things with your H. Now, you are saying that you just want to spend some time apart? Which is it? Separation or divorce?
As I said in my first response, I think you really need to go see a counselor to sort out your feelings. I think that a counselor will be able to help you identify how you are feeling and why.
Having said that, I didn't mean to trivialize the fact that your H wasn't up front with you about his financial obligations and decisions prior to your marriage. I definitely think he should have been more open and honest with you. Furthermore, it could be that your husband's timeline for his own personal "success" is not the same as yours. Have you talked to him about what you need to see happening with his life in order for you to feel like your life together is progressing in a positive way?
I think there is a lot of information that we are lacking in your story to be able to give it a true answer. Right now, it seems that you are looking for a quick fix and that you need to find a little maturity in the situation.