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Wife: Taken for Granted
I am not by any means a neat freak, but I'm not a slob and I don't like messes all over the house for extended periods of time.
My husband leaves messes EVERYWHERE and NEVER picks anything up. I count myself lucky if the piles of clothes he takes off throughout the day or when he get off from work are just in the bedrooms and not in the living room. His shoes are everywhere: living room, kitchen, dining room, back porch, front porch, garage. I understand getting home from work and taking your shoes off while your on the couch in the living room, but do they have to sit there for the next three days until you have work again? No, I guess they don't cause wifey will eventually get sick of seeing them and put them away.
When he gets back from a weekend trip he expects me to unpack his suitcase, put away the clothes and/or launder them. I've tried just leaving it and waiting for him to do it on his own like the adult he is, but he just doesn't and the suit case sits there for weeks till I give up and do it. Same with all the other clothes he leaves around. I've asked him to do it, but he just makes a joke and doesn't.
The worst is that I am constantly tidying up and trying to keep the house in at least a presentable manner and he acts like I don't do anything. He doesn't understand that the house is a mess all the time because HE leaves his *** everywhere and never puts it away. He even makes sarcastic comments to his friends about our messy house and how I don't clean. I do all the laundry, all the cooking, I vacuum once a week and clean up around the house when I get up in the morning for around 20 to 40 min. everyday. Even when he does help out and do the dishes he never does them all. He does about 3/4s and just seems to decide he's done. Doesn't wipe down the counters or clean up spills. When asked why he didn't clean everything he says he didn't notice the other stuff. How do you not notice a dirty pot on the stove???
Picking up after him constantly and struggling to keep the house decent wouldn't even bother me that much if he at least acknowledged that I did it and didn't make sarcastic comments to his friends about our house being messy because of me.
Anyone else have this issue and figure out a way to get through to their hubby?
I've tried making lists on a white board in the kitchen so he sees everything I do on a daily basis, but that didn't seem to help. It feels like in his mind I'm just a lazy wife with a messy house... if I try and talk about it he gets really defensive and angry.
I don't know what to do...
Re: Wife: Taken for Granted
I can't help much in regards to your DH's poor attitude (the sarcastic comments, the anger, etc.), but some of the specific problems you mention are ones we have addressed in our household.
Shoes: When we first moved in together, DH left his shoes all over the place. I wanted them upstairs in the closet. I realized that it was completely pointless for me to nag him about something so small, so I adjusted my expectations. I bought a basket that we keep under our entry table, and he puts his shoes there. Sometimes I trip over his boots in an odd place and say "Honey, can you put your shoes away," and he does it without hesitation (I think we are much more willing to do things for our spouses when it is a once-in-a-while request instead of a frequent nag).
Suitcase: Pretty soon after DH gets home from a trip (and if not that same night, the next day), I'll keep him company while he unpacks; we have catching up to do anyways, so I sit on the bed and we talk while he does it. Could you try something like that?
Dishes: I've stopped asking him to "do the dishes" and instead ask him to "clean up the kitchen." I realized that to me, "doing the dishes" includes wiping the counter, cleaning the stove, etc. To him, "doing the dishes" means just that -- washing the dishes. There are still times that I come in and there are crumbs all over the place or a rogue dish still on the stove, but it has greatly improved.
Really, though, without good communication and being on the same page in regards to housework expectations, these suggestions are treating the symptom and not the problem. What are your schedules like? Do you work? Why does he feel that all of this should be your responsibility?
Thanks for reply. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this.
The shoe basket is a great idea! We don't really have a good place for one, but maybe I'll try it for a little while and see if it helps. I've tried the "Honey can you put your shoes away?" but maybe I need to work on my tone of voice or something. He just seems to get annoyed that I'm "nagging" him and suggests I do it.
Unfortunately, asking him to clean up the kitchen just sounds like a fight waiting to happen for us. If he does dishes or any cleaning it's because he has elected to do it on his own. If I ask him then he only gets annoyed at me...sometimes he'll still do it, but I'd rather just do it to avoid the angry tension in the air.
In response to your questions: He's a paramedic with a constantly changing schedule, right now he works nights, 3 days one week and 4 the next. I have been a graduate student but am starting a part time job on Monday as well. I am home more and he brings home the pay check, so I really don't mind doing more of the housework. I just wish he wouldn't act like I do nothing. I've tried to tell him it hurts my feelings, but he says I'm being too sensitive or brushes it off as me being overly dramatic. The sarcastic "It would be nice if you did something around here for once" really hurt. He thinks he's being funny (I think because he knows I do A LOT) but it just makes me feel bad.
I think he feels the cleaning should fall to me subconsciously because his mother did EVERYTHING. He lived with his parents before we got married and his mother was the type to go in, clean up his room, and do all his laundry while he was at work.
Maybe I just need to work on my communication skills with him. I just wish that thought would occur to him too every once in awhile too so I wouldn't feel like I'm working on this relationship alone all the time... writing this is making me realize how sadly dysfunctional we are...
It sounds like asking him to do things doesn't work for one of two reasons (or both): 1) you're asking him all the time (regardless of tone of voice) or 2) he doesn't think he should have to.
This:
indicates it is the latter, and it is probably your biggest problem.
If you get more responses, I'm sure you'll hear from women on the whole spectrum of division of labor in their households. There are plenty of women here who, like you, say that it's just easier for them to do most (or all) of the housework. I'm on the other end of the spectrum; I expect my husband to be a team player and contributor in the upkeep of our home. If you fall in the first camp and it works for both of you, then great. All of our relationships are different, and we're all just doing to best we can. But it sounds like it isn't working. You are resentful, he is rude, and it's causing discord in your marriage.
What I see here isn't so much an issue with cleaning. Like I said before, I think focusing on the cleaning is treating the symptom, not the problem. Your husband is putting you down and saying things that make you feel bad, and that is not okay. I think you would both benefit from working on communication skills (I'm guessing the housework conversation isn't the only one with which you struggle?). You may decide that you would rather just do most/all of the cleaning, but he needs to learn to show you love and respect while you're doing it.
Best of luck!
"What I see here isn't so much an issue with cleaning. Like I said before, I think focusing on the cleaning is treating the symptom, not the problem. Your husband is putting you down and saying things that make you feel bad, and that is not okay. I think you would both benefit from working on communication skills (I'm guessing the housework conversation isn't the only one with which you struggle?)."
Bingo. There are deeper issues here and while I realize there are three sides to every story, as you've described things here, your husband is incredibly disrespectful of you. I actually have similar cleanliness issues with my H (it blows my mind how long he will let his full suitcase sit in our kitchen if I don't ask him to move it; he leaves shoes everywhere, he leaves dirty dishes in the sink, etc.) but the difference is that if I ask him to take care of his mess, he will do it. He may grumble a bit but he respects me enough to do it. FWIW, he also lived at home with a do-everything mother until we married.
I wholeheartedly endorse making things simple for him as a start. I also made a mental adjustment and stopped getting angry when he was a slob. It's not always easy but by mentally preparing myself that I'd probably have to pick up after him when we do XYZ, it helps.
The fact that your husband dismisses your concerns and tells you that you are too sensitive is worrying. There are definitely bigger issues here and you might want to consider posting on the Trouble In Paradise board. I wish you the very best.
my husband is messy by nature and i am a neat freak. he works hard to notice when i clean up and to thank me for the work i do around the house. he also does his part to keep the house clean, though messes don't bother him at all.
honestly, if this were my husband, i would take a mess he has made or left, pack it up and put it on his side of the bed. or in his car. and when he gets mad, then we'd have a talk about disrespect. because the mess would be in his face at that point the way it's in your face all the time. he's not experiencing the mess the same way you are.
i know people are going to think this is too confrontational, but it's honestly what i would do if i was living with someone like this.
I've done things like this. For example, H leaves his clothing on the bedroom floor, so I pile it all up in a corner behind one of our dressers so that it's out of site. I also once organized his "work" area that sits in our family room and was spilling over with all sorts of old papers, books, mail, etc., I created piles for everything, saved what clearly was relevant, and trashed or stashed the rest of it. He has never once asked for any of the missing items, LOL.
i didn't mean to take his mess and hide it out of sight. i meant to take his mess and pile it up in his car so it's in his face. and then explain to him that this is what it feels like to you every day.
TTC #1 since 10.2011
You should reward him for whatever he does around the house. My husband refuses to touch anything dirty... raw chicken (although he's better at that now!), loading the dishwasher, cleaning the toilets, etc. However, he mows the lawn and kills spiders, and folds laundry, and I try to tell him how much I appreciate it.With my DH, I literally have to hand him the rag and the windex and put him near the things I need cleaned! But then afterwards, I thank him, and don't belittle him for what he hasn't done... anymore. Lol.
I hate to point out the obvious, but it sounds like you knew what you were signing up for when you agreed to marry him, and you've just taken the place of his mother.
This has nothing to do with cleaning and everything to do with a husband who minimises your feelings and refuses to discuss the issues as a grown-up.
Maybe he thinks you should do all the cleaning because you're the woman. That's something for the two of you to work out between you, some couples are perfectly content with that kind of arrangement, but for him to be a sarcastic ass about it, is just him being an ass.
Is this how he deals with any conflict or disagreement? to be sarcastic and tell you you're being too sensitive??
Once I started staying at home with my son full time, I definitely began to shoulder the vast majority of the cleaning burden. However, I'd also try to get my husband to realize that he has some accountability to keeping things tidy (i.e. he shouldn't just leave his cups on the coffee table, he can put them in the dishwasher). When I got pushback, I explained it to him like this - he is in charge of making the money and I appreciate that. Because I respect the effort he puts into that, I try to spend responsibly and not purchase things we don't need or can't afford. So although he is in charge of the money coming in, I have accountability to my own actions in how not to exacerbate the financial situation. In the same way, being at home, I have a responsibility to keeping the house up - cooking, vaccuuming, etc but he has the responsibility of not making the situation worse by creating extra jobs for me that he could easily do himself.
Granted, my husband came in with a slightly different attitude so it may be easier but I found that the analogy helped him see the parallels of our own responsibilities.
Hi. My husband is kind of similar to yours. He was raised in a traditional Italian family where the women handle all domestic tasks, and make it look completely effortless. So he can have rather high expectations and not really consider how much time it takes to keep things maintained. Also my husband is a police officer, and is greatly effected by the stress of the job. You say your husband is a paramedic. Is he happy with with his job? Does he need a lot of rest and down time after his shifts? Is he resentful of being the primary breadwinner?
At the start of our marriage I tried to get us to split things but that never worked, and just caused tons of conflict. I eventually chose to look at the domestic tasks as my responsibility, but I also scaled down my out of home work so I would be able to keep a handle on it. I chose to embrace my home, and see that having a pleasant home is something that makes my husband feel loved and relaxed. I recommend doing things to set yourself up for success like putting shoes baskets by the door. I also keep a hamper downstairs for clothes that get taken of downstairs.
It also sounds like the biggest problem is more his hostility and lack of respect. I suspect maybe he feels a lack of respect or appreciation for supporting you guys, or is unhappy at his work and is taking it out on you. If he seems unhappy, spend time every day trying to listen to him even if some of his unhappiness is pointed at you. Also look for ways to show your support and appreciation of him.
This is spot on. In addition, I think you and your husband should go to counseling, as his behavior has little to do with cleaning and everything to do with being a responsible adult. His behavior sounds very childish and self-centered. He needs to work on that and hear someone (other than you) point out how it negatively affects your marriage.
Tips for cleaning:
Put aside a time to clean at least once a week. This might be difficult, since he has a varied schedule, so you might need to schedule it on a weekly basis. You both spend however long you need to cleaning (30 minutes, 60 minutes, 2 hours). Turn on some music and get down to it. Figure out what you both like to do and what you both hate to do and divide the chores accordingly. Since you're both spending this time cleaning, you'll both be getting things done and helping each other out.
Designate 10 minutes a day as a time to pick up clutter. Hand him a basket. Have him go around the house, one room at a time, and collect his things, then put them away. This, however, means that he 1) must realize when something is out of place and 2) must actually have a place to put things.
Adjust your expectations. When my husband does the dishes, he "does the dishes." So you know what? I wipe down the counters and sweep the floor. I'm grateful for the fact that he does dishes. All the time. Everyday. He doesn't do things exactly the way I would do things. But if I want things done my way, well, then I should do it myself. I'd rather have him do the dishes than do everything myself.
Tips for husband:
Counseling to discuss his lack of respect for you, issues with communication, and what you each expect in terms of roles in your marriage.
40/112
I would suggest going into marriage counseling for the deeper issues here.
Also you need to know what you will and won't accept (with everything: his behavior, cleaning, money issues). Complaining and nagging about it.....and then eventually caving and doing it will get you no where. It's almost like kids, you need to set clear expectations that don't change. Good luck!
This. Exactly.