Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Family Vacation & Time...
My husband and I seem to differ opinions when it comes to spending time with my family. He has a hard time when I put my time toward other obligations whether it be friends or family. But my family is very close and I enjoy spending time with them, I have tried to compromise by skipping the annual camping trip last summer, not going to multiple family outings and BBQs that are not important dates but just fun time with the family. Yet, every time a family event comes up, my husband acts like theres something every month and every time he doesn't want to go and it causes a lot of stress between us. I don't know what to do. Any advice on this matter would be helpful!
Re: Family Vacation & Time...
did he have a problem attending before you were married?
how many family events are we talking?
how far are you from them?
why cant you go to some events alone?
He was much better about it before we got married, he always thought my family got together a lot but was at least willing to go and wouldn't fight with me the way we fight about it now.
My family probably has about 1 function a month, that includes major holidays like Christmas and birthdays and others.
We only live about 20 minutes or less away from all members of my family, the only time it might be a longer distance it for a camping trip or cabin weekend or something like that.
I have gone to some events alone and even that is a problem, he has trouble with me spending money and then it still keeps us apart and he doesn't like that.
Is the problem that he doesn't want to go with you but he's fine with you going alone? Or he doesn't want you to go either?
Does he expect you to spend time with his family? Or Does he want you to spend most/all your time with him?
What about friends ... Does he get mad when you want to go out with them?
Does he ever insult you or say mean things? Does he act like he's the only one you should trust?
From this post it sounds like he's controlling and trying to isolate you from your lived ones, which is a HUGE problem.
I would tell him "Look, you knew I spent a lot of time with my family BEFORE we got married, I didn't try to pretend anything to rope you in. If you had a problem with that, you should have brought up the time / money / lack of "togetherness" before you said "I do."
"If you have trouble with us being apart, then you are welcome to come along. But not going to my family functions is NOT an option. Let's sit down and think of some ways that we can find something that works for both of us."
He's fine with me going alone sometimes, but he hates that other obligations or things I want to do takes me away from spending time with him.
His family is much more distant than my family is and they don't celebrate any holidays so it is definitely much more one sided, the time is not spent equally between both sides of the family but that is only because they don't ever hang out or celebrate anything.
No, he never minds when I spend time with friends. When I'm gone a lot between school, work, family stuff and friends all in a close amount of time he gets bummed by it because he wants to spend time with me.
No, he never insults me. He is honestly the best man I know even with this issue. When it is just the two of us, things are perfect. And even once we are at family functions, things are great, he is incredibly loving toward everyone and is the favorite Uncle and we have fun. But unfortunately its the planning process and discussing upcoming events that causes him to get mad and say he doesn't want to go.
I don't have a close knit family and they don't get together very often, so it sounds like I am similar to your husband. And I don't particularly care for tons of family bonding events - maybe b/c I am not used to it. A family camping trip as you mention would be uncomfortable for me - I'm just not used to things like that. I'd be a good sport and try to participate sometimes though - maybe there's something else happening on his end?
My H's family is overseas so I haven't had to deal with it much myself but if I were in your H's shoes, I could see myself not wanting to hang out with family as often as you are describing.
Sometimes "issues" become problems when a person gets married and realizes this could be in their lives forever. Unless there is some extenuating cricumstance, like he's traveling through the week or on an opposite shift from yours, a monthly get together is not over the top. If there isn't, it does sound like he's manipulating you. Especially the bit about how wonderful he is when it's just the two of you.
Are your family really intense or obnoxious? I know my ILs can be challenging at times, especially my SIL and one BIL (not married to each other). And I know my father can be an asshat to DH, especially if they drink.
Your family charges admission? I get that a cabin share might const something, but a BBQ? What's up with that? Does he object to all the presents?
It's good to hear that he's not controlling and doesn't keep you from seeing your friends and family.
Maybe he's just overwhelmed by all the planning. I know my H can sometimes get frustrated if I present him with a million choices ... for example: we went overseas with my family a couple years ago. He loves them all and has a great time with them, but I could tell that he wanted to tear his hair out when everyone spent 20 minutes discussing which restaurant to visit for dinner or what attraction we should see next. I was frustrated, too. It would've been much better if someone had just picked the place and everyone went along with it.
So as long as your husband gets along with your family, I would personally just plan things without him as much as possible (maybe just clear the date with him first) and then tell him what's going on and give him the option to attend or not. Don't try and get him involved with every little detail. I would give him a pass once in a while if he wants to stay home, but if your family lives close by and it's only once a month then I think he needs to suck it up for the majority of the time, unless he's not feeling well or has other plans already set. That's what being part of a family is about.
I would sit down with a calendar and plan your month together. I can understand being frustrated when between work, school, networking, and family, "couple time" (even downtime when you're really not doing anything like a date) all seems to disapper. You should agree that a certain amount of time is just for the two of you.
Some of this might mean that you compromise, too. Assuming your family members have grown up, I'm not sure that you have to make EVERY birthday. Aside from maybe an 80-year-old grandmother. On months when you are busy with work/school, family parties will have to be passed up. On months where you have a family birthday / gtg, maybe that's a month where you have to cut down on going out with friends.
Like a pp's husband, there are times when I can't take too much "togetherness." I remember going on a group trip with dh's friends and although I liked all of them, I was ready to tear my hair out with having every.meal.together.
I'm curious about the friends vs. family things. Does he not mind going out with your friends, but doesn't like hanging with your family? Maybe your family, while lovable to you, is annoying to your H.
Or is it he doesn't mind YOU going out alone with your friends, but doesn't like you seeing your family even by yourself. Does he feel your family takes your time and willing to travel for granted? If your family give him grief for "skipping" a family event when you do go alone, then he might be annoyed for having to answer for enjoying time away from them the next time he does join them.
My H and I do a lot of compromising about time spent with my family. I have a big family and they easily overwhelm my H. His family is very independent and don't spend much time together. (Also they live OOS.) My family lives 2.5 hours away.
It took me longer than it should've to understand my H's point of view. Now when we visit my family (once a month or every 6 weeks) we bring my laptop and when H gets overwhelmed he'll take a break in a back room and come out again when he's ready. (Of course we stay for a weekend at a time so that's a bit different from your situation.) And if we go somewhere with them we take our car so we can leave when we decide we're ready. That works for us really well.
You and YH need to figure out what will work for both of you. Maybe you come in different cars or agree to leave after x amount of time.
How often does your family have gatherings?
How far are they from you?
It's one thing if he doesn't want to go to all your family events. But to begrudge you for YOU going seems unfair. This isn't about his family and being "equal" - families just dont' work that way. You can't compare the two.
But mbcdefg spoke to something I thought about too- my MIL always gets nervous and angry before going out. Now- there was a time where it was more like your DH - she'd get pissy, yell, cuss, even refuse to go, but then would go and have a great time. (It's gotten worse as she's gotten older, but that's another story).
I just think she got stressed out really easily and it manifested itself by her getting pissed. But she never begrudged FIL going even if she didn't/couldn't go.
Unless you're not painting a true picture, one event a month just doesn't seem like that much (compared to peopel who come here and complain about seeing their IL's every weekend!).
The only advice I can really give right now is to have an open and honest talk with him- family is important, going to most of these events is important. You understand if he doesn't want to go to all of them, but you need for him to respect the fact that you do want to go and you dont' want to be made to feel guilty about it. If it's THAT important to spend time with you... guess what? HE can go too! That's the thing- it's not like going to these events means he can't be with you.
Work, going out w/ the girls, etc - that doesn't involve him. But your family events DO involve him. HE is the one choosing not to go. He needs to own responsibility for that.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10