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"It's like a divorce" / "It's like we were married"
I just read an article in the NYT about how dropping a friend is "like a divorce" and was bothered by the terminology used. There was a quote to the effect of, "I called to tell the friend I didn't want to be friends anymore, then I got sad and met another friend for coffee. It was like I had gotten a divorce."
This got me thinking about how annoyed I get when people in LTR say, "It's like we were married" just because they were living together. This type of speaking bothers me because I feel it trivializes the what it's like to be married...or divorced.
I know it's a sensitivity issue for me having gone through a painful marriage and divorce but I really get irked when someone equates cohabitation to marriage and severing ties with divorce. I recently met someone and upon hearing that I was divorced, starting telling me about her recent break up with her boyfriend and how she could totally relate because it's "like they were married." I know she was trying to be nice and doesn't understand but it really bothered me.
Does this annoy anyone else?
Re: "It's like a divorce" / "It's like we were married"
Yes, this is exactly how I feel. Someone recently gave me grief when I said that I was more interested in dating men who had been divorced. At first I just said it was my preference and when they pressed I asked them quite matter of factly: "Have you ever planned a life with someone, stood in front of your family and friends and professed your love for them, vowed to be with them forever, start to make a family and live out dreams together...and then have that all ripped out from under you, your life turned upside down, your marriage decimated in a stack of paperwork and legal bills and had to start over from scratch? No? Well, I'm looking for someone who has so that they can understand where I'm coming from."
You're right, people are ignorant (lucky them). I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way.
I know my explanation sounds bitter but I was at my wits end at that point of the conversation and have since learned not to express my dating preferences to drunk friends of friends who think they know what's best for me
The friend thing is an exaggeration unless they were like family.
I could see how it could be like a divorce when you cohabitate. Especially with kids involved. Melissa Rivers talked about that on the View...she lives with her ex for 3 years and they were all a family. Her child was upset and visibily hurt when they broke up.
Really...if my SO and I split, it might be harder on me than my divorce. With my ex, he was abusive...it was easier to make that decision. I didn't ever question how long I was going to take it.
SO and I work in the same career field...we will run into each other. We would both suffer financially, for me worse than my separation since we actually split bills and life in a very high COL area.
I think it is all situational.
I think a marriage should not be much different ....things shouldn't change when you say I do. Kids, lose of jobs, etc is all what would change a relationship. Not a ring.
So I agree with you, lol
This I completely understand. Obviously there are situations where cohabitation is quite similar to marriage--especially those relationships that are essentially marriages but are not given the legal right to have that title.
In this particular instance, and in many, it was one of those situations where someone lived with their SO for a year and considered it "like marriage" because they made dinner together and farted in front of each other. This is where I find the trivialization.
I never said anyone deserved an award for going through a divorce...just that it's annoying when people trivialize it. If you don't agree, that's fine, I'm not trying to convince you of anything.
it's all good
here is the thing... being divorced does bring a whole new perspective. if your friend has not been married before, she may not "get it." Is it the worst break up she has been in? First break up after living with someone? It may come across to you like she is trivializing, but to her,the world is falling apart...does that make sense?
Yeah makes total sense but 1) she's onto a new boyfriend a month later who she is now in "love" with and 2) I had just met her that night and so it pissed the fluck out of me for her to say it! She was using her new boyfriend as "proof" that I will also find someone again. I wanted to smack her!
Honestly it sounds like she was just being nice and trying to connect with you seeing as how you just met. I'm not trying to come down on you MCC, but I think you're really getting worked up over this. I can see how what she was saying came across badly, but I think it came from a good place.
I don't think it trivializes it. I think it's a way for people to find some common ground and say "I understand the pain of losing a meaningful relationship too." I view it as a sign of empathy, or at least that they're trying to empathize as much as their life experience will allow them. I know that when someone tells me something that has deeply affected them (had a baby, lost a parent, etc.), I mentally try to find something similar in my life to compare those feelings to so that I may better share their joy or sympathize. I'm certainly not trying to get into a pissing contest or assume that my feelings are equal to theirs.
I dunno, I give people a wide berth for making human errors, especially when it comes to putting a foot in the ol' mouth. We say dumb stuff sometimes, and I look at the intention rather than the actual words. Verbal diarrhea is oftentimes the byproduct of the human condition.
I'm rather glib about my first wifeiness (I can find the black humor in it). I think that's why I've never dated a divorced man, LOL. I don't like being morose about it, which can be a turnoff for those who are looking for the shared-pain experience. Life is hard for everyone, and I don't expect my fellow special divorcee snowflakes to be the only ones to "get it". Hell, my homeboard of TIP is comprised mainly of women that are happily married (and only once), but they give some great advice. Wisdom is hard-won...the battlefield is irrelevant.
(I kinda want to kick myself for talking in bon-mots in this post. I'll blame the wine.)
Oh I get that she was just trying to relate for sure. She is a nice girl but really dumb. She's not at all the reason for the post though...it was more of an example.
I was annoyed at the NYT article that analogized unfriending someone as a "divorce."
Yes, but I've caught myself doing it too! Yesterday in fact
I've lost stacks of weight and my hair has recently started to fall out, so I was telling my mom I'm going to start looking like chemo patient. Then I felt like a total a$$, since my divorce, while painful and stressful, doesn't rank anywhere near what chemo patients are going through fighting for their life.
Oh no! Take up some yoga or something maybe to destress? I'm sorry your body is going through a rough time
I hate when people exaggerate their pain. No, losing a friend is not the same as a divorce. I don't have any doubt it hurts, but every one of us has lost friends for one reason or other, and it is not the same as the destruction of the central legal and emotional relationship in your life. Breaking up with an SO is not the same as divorce; just like divorce is not the same as the other person in a relationship dying, which I've heard divorce compared to.
Pisses me off.
Actually I disagree with this. My break up with my best friend for over 20 years was very heart breaking. I actually miss her more than my ex husband. To me that was like a divorce. I think each person experiences relationship loss in their own way and to get upset with someone for comparing their break up with a long term SO or a best friend to divorce is just silly. Yes Divorce is the "legal dissolution of marriage" but it also means " To cut off; separate or disunite". Marriage is just a piece of paper that legally bonds two people together. A person could feel married without that piece of paper. If someone is with their SO for 10 years and living with them for 8 of them, I am sure that the break up would feel like a divorce.
Yes, I have a good friend who is married w/o children and when moving into a new apt she was all stressed about the move and being broke and told me she knows EXACTLY what I'm going through... I was like huh???
It's also like comparing animals to children.. I hate when ppl do this! Like, for example, if I complain to someone about my son being up all night sick and they say.. "yeah I know exactly how you feel, my puppy woke me up in the middle of the night"... animals are not equivalent to children.
100% this.
life is going to be very long and lonely if you believe the only people who can understand your pain are those who experienced the same exact events themselves.