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New here looking for support/advice
This is going to be a long post, sorry.
So I will just jump right in to my situation
My husband and I have been married for seven years. We got married when I was 20, he was 27. We had our first child right away (unplanned). I had a real hard time after having my baby with postpartum depression, and in that time, my husband and I had a lot of problems. I was pretty sure at that point that is was over, so as a result, I ended up having an affair with an ex-boyfriend at that time. It only happened once, and we worked through it and my husband forgave me. We ended up having another baby about a year later. Our marriage was still rocky, there were trust issues, but it seemed as if we always worked thought things. Over the last couple years, his behavior really went downhill. He yelled at me all the time, threatened me -- especially to "punch me in the *** face" and "beat my ass" (even though he never physically laid a hand on me). Called me names: slut, crazy, ***, whore, stupid, and ***. Put me down and my abilities as a mother, homemaker, wife, and made me feel like nothing I do is ever going to be good enough...Constantly accused me of having affairs, even though I do not have the desire or freedom to have affairs. He also threatened that IF I did ever have an affair, he would MURDER both the guy and me... He was very controlling on all the financial decisions, not allowing me to spend money? He refused to listen to my opinion, ideas, and I was never in on any major decisions. He broke items out of anger, and punched holes in the walls and doors. And he threatened suicide if I don't stay with him. I put up with this behavior for probably two years before I had it. I told him if he did not change his ways that I would leave him. He begged and pleaded for me not to leave, and he apologized profusely. He agreed to see a marriage counselor, and do anger management. He also went on Zoloft to help with his mood. This was six months ago, and things have been going well. He has treated me with total respect and love, and the counseling has been a success. However, I feel like so much damage was done, that I can never heal so long as I am married to him. I have planned to divorce him this summer as soon as my oldest child is out of school. He feels like I am the bad guy here because he has worked so hard to change his behavior and try to better our marriage, and I am just going to leave him. This is so hard because while part of me does love him, so much more of me hates him. So all this to say, I would just like some support, input, and any advice is welcome! Thanks so much.
Re: New here looking for support/advice
First, find a counselor. You need to deal with him regardless of your decision because you have children. You're going to need someone to help you through this and to recover from the abuse that you have already suffered.
Second, get a lawyer. What's going to happen when he gets off his meds (because you know he probably will)? Anyone who abuses you like that and threatens suicide is manipulating you. You're better than that. Take a look at the cycle of abuse and apply your life to it. http://www.domesticviolence.org/violence-wheel/
Third, get back on BCP so you don't have any more babies with this man.
Fourth, pick up a copy (or download on your ereader) Who's Pulling You Strings by Dr. Harriet Braiker. Read it. Stick around here for support. Sorry you've found yourself in this situation.