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Potential Family Vacation Drama
In the grand scheme of things, this really is a first world problem. I know :-)
That said...
My parents/family are up in New England, and DH's family is in our area - MD. Each summer for the past 2 years, my parents have driven down here to rent a beach house for a week in Delaware and DH and I have joined in for a few days. IL's have also rented a house for a week in DE and DH and I have joined in for a few days. They never coincided for a variety of reasons (schedules, etc), but DH and I managed to split the time as evenly as we possibly could.
This coming summer, my parents want to get a house on the Cape, which is much more convenient to them (and my sister's family) and have us join them. IL's also will probably get house in DE for a week and want us to join them. It would also be BIL and SIL, who are a lot of fun.
We each only gets about a weeks vacation. Neither of us want to spend a whole week with my family, as my sister's husband is really hard to be around.
It would be a serious pain to get up to the Cape ($$$ to board the dog, fly to Boston, rent a car from Logan, schlep all the baby stuff) for just a few days with my family.
It's so much easier for us to load up the car and drive 2.5 hours to a beach in DE and spend 4ish days with people there.
I know my parents will be SO hurt if the time we get off is not split evenly. They already get jealous that we live closer to DH's family. But we just can't spend a whole week up there with them. Do we say something before they go to rent a house? Do we ask them to come to Delaware again, instead?
How do you even bring this up so you sound diplomatic, kind, yet excited?
Re: Potential Family Vacation Drama
I would just say that you are unable to join them this year, and that they should have lots of fun.
I wish it were that simple! They will want to know why, and we don't have a reason other than "coming to MA will be a PITA"
We want to see them and have DS spend time with them, but just not up in the Cape.
See, it can be that simple. We are kind of in the same boat- closer to one set of grandparents. We also farm, so we can't really stay overnight on visits.
We just rinse and repeat. Any guilt trip gets "I'm sorry, we won't be able to join you this year. Have fun."
That's really it. That's all you need to say.
Just tell them that the time/expense of going to the cape makes your trip impossible.
There really IS a huge difference between travelling 2.5 hours and making a 10 hour trip (whether that's 10 hours by car or 2.5 hours by plane).
LOL - maybe suggest the NJ shore next year as more of a 1/2 way point? We're not all Snookie and the Association!
My parents have been going to the Cape for 2 weeks in the summer for 40 years, and we've joined them a few times. They really want us there and are very generous to share their house. We have not for the last 2 and I have made it clear that it is simply too much of a PITA to travel so far with a small child. The reason is good enough. Even after she freaked out, I just said "Sorry, I just can't do it." They can not change their vacation plans so dramatically and expect you to fall into step. It's not reasonable.
You don't need to explain why it's an inconvenience for you. Because (a) they will just come up with a counter-argument for every reason you give, and (b) you don't owe them an explanation in the first place.
If there's a long weekend you can swing in your area, try suggesting that instead ("We are thinking of renting a house in XYZ around Labor Day if you want to come see us then"), otherwise say "Sorry, maybe next time!"
Your reason can simply be that the house at the cape does not work for your vacation plans. There is a huge difference between driving to a beach house (as I understand you did before) and flying. Especially with a small child and animals to board.
Your family will likely not like the answer. But is it realistic to vacation with your folks, both sides, every summer forever? There will likely be a change at some point. Why not start now?
I think you need to keep your explanation minimal, and if your parents try to make this about "but you'll see his family", you have to start steering them away from that! It's not about his family - it's about you, DH and your child and what works for the three of you.
And trust me- I live this. We've vacationed w/ my parents, will be doing so again this year, we see them a LOT more than my IL's - my IL's want more of our time. But - we simply can't give them more. ANd don't really want to. So, we say "sorry, that won't work for us". And we don't feel guilty about it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
She won't be letting her parents down. Her parents chose to do something different this year that they won't be able to attend. Her parents set perhaps unrealistic expectations on her family and will be letting themselves down when their grand plan doesn't come true.
Ditto this!
Her parents are entitled to their FEELINGS of disappointment that the OP won't be spending her vacation time with her. What they are NOT entitled to is the expectation that the OP should inconvenience herself for their enjoyment or that it is the OPs responsibility to make them happy by revolving her life around plans that they made.
The OP, (and husband and dc) are not instruments whos purpose is to make her parents happy!
OP - - I have a feeling that your parents use guilt trips a lot to get you to do what they want. You need to stand back and remember that your loyalty now is not to your parents, but to yourself, your husband, and your child.
Thanks for the replies! Yes, they use guilt (hidden under humor, but c'mon...Jewish parents...) and I fall for it b/c we do live far away. ::wrist slap::
DH and I will bring it up when they come to visit in 2 weeks and tell them that the Cape just isn't feasible given our limited time off. We'll suggest DE again or even NJ shore and see how that goes. We do like Cape May!
:-)
And ECB, you're right. We try to be as equal as possible whenever possible and I know that's unrealistic. But ugh...that knife in my heart when my mom is like "Oh. So you and MIL went shopping today with DS? How fun." (in a sad little voice)
I wish I could tell you "how" to do it, but over time, DH and I have just learned to let it roll off our backs. We just don't hold ourselves responsible for their feelings! We just have to do what works best for us and if they can't understand that, then that's on them.
Good luck!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I know you're right and we're going to have to stick up for ourselves and our time.
Honestly, I just quit telling them everything that we do with the ILs. I know my parents feel bad that they aren't as close as the other ILs, but that's just how life works out sometimes.
Occassionally I do want to mention how close we were to moving to South Dakota and how they would have to fly to see us.
So don't tell her about things you do with MIL!
The relationship with my MIL is bad at best, and we just don't tell her anything because she will try and make us feel guilty. She somehow thinks she's entitled to our money and tries to guilt trip us when she finds out we're doing something. Just don't tell them what you're doing with your ILs.
Also, you really don't have anything to feel guilty about. They made plans for something that is not feasible for you. I understand if that bums them out, but do not let them make you feel guilty. They made these plans, they cannot expect you to drop everything to accommodate them.
Have you ever gone on a vacation with just your H and son? No parents on either side involved? I mean, I love my parents, and I love my IL's, but H and I like our alone vacations too. It doesn't mean we never vacation with our parents, but just that we do only if it suits us. I just couldn't imagine spending my ONLY week of vacation with my parents every year.
If you can't go, and they won't amend their plans, perhaps you can use this as an additional reason.
Thanks, all!
We are taking our own vaca to Key West at the end of March (for a wedding, but we're extending it for family time).
The summer at the beach is a nice time to reconnect with family that lives around the country (on DH's side) so we do look fwd to it.
I'm going to say something to my parents and hopefully they will understand. If not...well, I'll just have to be firm.
When either parents or inlaws try to guilt us I just say "Yeah, I know it's disappointing, we wish we could do x more too. But until one of us wins millions in the lottery we have to deal with things like living where we work, limited vacation time, and budgets. It's boring but that's life!" and move on.
Focus on the truth - you WANT to see them more then you do. you enjoy the summer beach vacation, the reality is if they CHOSE to switch it up this year - which is within their rights and makes sense for seeing your sister, etc - you will not be able to do what you want. That's just how it is, maybe the annual vacation will become every second or third year.