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Did anyone divorce a nice guy?
Hi -
Looking for some help and guidance.
My husband and I have been together for about 11 years (including dating and married years). We have been married for 6.
A lot has happened in the past year that is starting to make me doubt my marriage. We have grown apart. Our emotional connection is hanging on by a thread. I'm really no longer interested in doing things with him. Dates and activities seem like a chore. We are starting to disagree on life goals and having children. I'm disinterested in sex with him. In fact, I dread it. When we do things with groups, I feel like I'm always trying to disconnect with him and gravitate toward talking with other people. Ugh.
That being said, we are trying marriage therapy. I am working on making myself a better person. He is too. We both know there are problems, and we are trying.
I find my mind wandering to divorce. I'm not ready for that step yet, but I think about it a lot. I read and lurk here a lot.
Sometimes I think and think and think and finally come to a conclusion that I can't live like this anymore.
However, what I struggle with is that... darn it, he's a nice guy. I do love him. He loves me. But it's almost a friendship love anymore and not a marriage love. But in the back of my mind I know he is trying. He is giving this a shot and his all. He does the dishes. He mows the grass. Despite our fights, we do try to respect each other.
He has never done anything to wrong me. I feel so disconnected from him, but I keep getting pulled back in because he's just a nice, sweet person. I also have guilt about needing to "take care of him". I feel so bad for him when I think of him possibly being alone.
I almost wish he would be nasty and mean. I wish he would hit me. I wish he had a girlfriend so I would feel "off the hook".
What say you? Did anyone divorce a nice guy?
I would love to be friends with him. Without having to go on dates. Without having to have sex. Without having the pressure of trying to meet his need for children (which I don't want so much).
Every time I think "I can't do this anymore", I keep thinking "How can I think this or do this to just a darn nice guy".
Anyone else? Really looking for guidance.
While I want it to work, I'm not sure how long I can pretend I'm happy. I'm really struggling.
Please help.
Re: Did anyone divorce a nice guy?
I divorced a great guy. He was sweet, supportive, loving and cared about me so much. We were together about 8 years and married one of those years. I also, took care of him and mothered him and then became resentful that I felt like I had to do everything for him, when I had set myself up for doing just that in the first place. I lost interest in being physical with him and also felt like doing things together was a chore.
I devastated him by leaving and I will always carry that guilt with me. We're still friends today and we talk about once a week. We've been apart about 2 1/2 years and I'm incredibly lonely. I miss the partnership we had and the comfort and the unconditional love he gave me, but I wasn't happy and I wasn't satisfied with my life with him. I'm in therapy and know I have to learn to be gentler with myself and love myself before I can let anyone back in, but it's tough.
I don't know if any of this is guidance, but good luck to you. I think I've realized I wasn't happy with him, but I'm not necessarily happy without him either.
There are a lot of nice guys in this world. There are a lot of nice women. It doesn't mean that they're all meant to be each other's life partners. There's more to it than that.
Keep going to marital counseling, but I'd suggest you turn your focus to individual counseling. The counselor won't tell you the decision you should make, but will provide resources for you to make the right decision for yourself. The counselor may also be able to pinpoint other areas of your life that may be making you unhappy, and that unhappiness is feeding into your marriage. It really isn't about "making yourself a better person". It's about living an authentic life. That's really the key to happiness, not forcing yourself to change to fit some kind of expectation. That'll just make you even more miserable.
I am in the same spot as you almost exactly been with my STBXH will be 13 years in march and we will be married for 6 years this coming July.
We are the best of friends but not in a relationship way. This all started over the past few years i got back into sports and he wants nothing to do with it, and all our hobbies are completely opposite. I had no desire to be intimate and felt like a chore.
In Nov of last year i told him i wasn't happy and he was crushed. I felt like the biggest jerk in the world and how could i do this to him. after about a week or 2 we tried to do 1 thing together ( go play mini golf, dinner or something) Within a few weeks he came around as well and said he see's it and said we could be happy together but we will probably be happier with other people.
He has also told me after a trip to his friends for a week. he is like don't take this the wrong way but i see how A & B are and C & D and you probably have other married friends. And we have never been like that.
So long story i know, but it has made me feel a lot better knowing he sees what i see now and doesn't hate me for it. We are now looking for a apt for him and he is moving out within the next 2 months and then we are going to file. We have already talked about everything and we are completely amicable and I do see us staying Great Friends.
My Ovulation Chart
Forgot to add, I think its the best decision I have made. I still get hurt specially when we talk of him moving out and look at apts. ( i go with him still)
But I have friends of mine already telling me how happy i see compared to how i was last year and things like that.
Also I am still trying to figure out the relation but I use to get migraines a ton and usually get 3-4 a month. Since all of this has happened I think i have had a total of 3 so I am thinking my pretending to be happy was having a affect on my migraines and stress level.
My Ovulation Chart
This. 11 years is a long time if you've been together since you were 18 or 20. It's a long time no matter what, but I feel like there is a whole world of growing you do in your 20s. Just because he's nice, doesn't mean he's right for you.
This is exactly me, We started dating right before i turned 17 we are now 29 and 30 and going through a divorce and both know its the best thing for us and plan to stay close friends
My Ovulation Chart
We started dating when I was 18 and he was 23. I'm now 29 and he just turned 35.
It kills me because I do value him as a kind and caring person. We just don't share many interests anymore. The relationship intimacy, in terms of emotional sharing, is nill. The sex is existent for his needs, not mine.
To get a little uglier.... we are starting to fight about kids. I like kids, but I have never seen myself as a mother. I tried to fight that for him, but it's just not working. He feels he is getting older and wants to start on the family thing. At best, sex is tolerable. At worst, I'm having sex and trying to hide the fact that I'm crying. Without the emotional connection, the sex feels like nothing.
Even uglier.... I started an affair this past year. With someone who I connected with emotionally and needed so badly. I was not right for doing it, but I finally felt a deeper connection. I'm working through that too.
But darn it.... my husband is just nice. And I can see he's trying. The "nice" part and my own person guilt of being a "b*tch" just suck me back in every time. It always makes me want to forgo my own needs for his sake.
BLAH!
Based on what you have said, staying with him would not be foregoing your needs for his sake. If he feels a need to have children, and you don't, that's really a deal breaker. One of the two of you will end up resentful. In my case, my H already had kids, but was on board with having one more with me. Until we had been married a year, then he changed his mind. Even though I eventually agreed with him, and love my step-son dearly, I have never forgiven him for making this major life decision for me.
Also, if you are checked out to the point that you are having an affair, and he is the nice guy you say he is, I think you need to let him go.
Disclaimer: This is just an internet stranger's opinion, and I am in no way qualified to make the decision for you.
Your affair I wont comment on, since I recently found out my husband cheated on me and it.destroyed.me.
BUT having different views on children is a significant issue. Having children or not having children is not something either one of you should have to sacrifice.
I did... I feel like my situation was very similar to yours. We were together for 10 years, married the last 6. I loved him, but I very strongly feel that we grew apart. We eventually became roommates, and we just weren't on the same emotional connection.
We tried changing things up, going on more dates, and ultimately marriage counseling. At the end we kind of ignored it but it was obvious, and he finally admitted he agreed. I moved out a little over a year ago, to see if living apart would bring anything back (I realize now I knew it wouldn't, but we were honestly trying anything), and asked for a divorce in April. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I think it was for the best for both of us, and he ended up agreeing, too.
PP made a good point - there are many, many good men, and women, in life, and that doesn't mean that they are meant for each other. You can be friends - my split was amicable, and I still very much care about my XH. Things may change over time, but for now, I am enjoying his friendship, and am glad I moved on.
Good luck to you. It is sad, and it is tough. But it sounds like you know deep down that you aren't happy, and it's time to move on.
I struggled to leave my DH because I would get distracted with doing or saying whatever made him happy. I am a nice person and didn't want to be mean to him.
During a marriage counseling session, I finally said I wanted to just be friends but then he got really sad and so I flip flopped and said I want to make him happy so maybe I should rethink this.
My counselor stopped me immediately and said this: If you are not happy, than he cannot be happy. The nicest thing you can do for your DH is let him find someone who is happy with him because that will make him happy. If you aren't happy, you can't do anything for him.
I was married for 15 years and I walked away from the marriage. We grew apart and it was extremely sad for both of us but it was the best decision for us both. We are still friendly and talk from time to time but we weren't good together anymore.
We live in a one year separation state and we are about to file our paperwork now to try to get a court date to finalize the divorce.