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I just cannot wrap my head around...
...getting engaged again before your divorce is finalized.
And I'm not just talking about people here. A friend of mine did it, too. I mean, even if your divorce takes a year or two and you're mentally out of the marriage a long time prior, and you start dating right away, are you really going to find "the one" that you just "know" you're going to spend the rest of your life with immediately after the FIRST "the one" that you were going to spend the rest of your life with? Don't you think you'd be a little more cautious than to immediately want to get married again after you've been burned, and wouldn't you want to know the guy a little bit longer than it takes to dry the ink on your divorce papers?
Maybe I just don't know what the sam hill I'm talking about, as I probably got divorced before some of you even got married. But really?!?!
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Re: I just cannot wrap my head around...
I completely agree.
My therapist was telling me that's one of the reasons why the divorce rate is so high---because people jump into seriousl relationships or marriages wihout truly healing and rebuilding--because this includes a high number of people who jump into a second marriage. They cannot be alone and they need the comfort of a new love to give them a sense of self worth. Once that relationship "newness" wears off, the truth comes out--whether it's the new partner is just like the old one and just as toxic; whether it is someone who the person isn't really even compatible with; etc.
XH and his mistress were was telling people that they were already married before we even had the final paperwork to the judge. Keep in mind, this was 9 months from when I moved out, 8 months from filing. But he is a total sociopath, so I have doubt he is putting on a complete show, and is already cheating on her as well. I mean, he was sleeping with at least 3 people when I found him out, so it's not like he was ever even faithful to her.
I see friends and other people that jump from relationship to relationship, and I see them missing out on the opportunity to learn from their relationship- who they are, why it worked and why it didn't, what they really want, how to be alone, taking the time to be choosey about the people they share their lives with, etc.
Me too.
I was on a deployment when DH and I decided to separate (rather, I decided and let him know). I gave him the ring back when the ship got home, and less than a week later he had given it to the girl he was with. Our divorce papers weren't even filed yet. Granted, the girl he was with had nothing to do with our divorce, and they are still together, but XH is a serial monogamist.
A serial monogamist who can't keep it in his pants.
DH is the guy I dated right after separating from XH, but we dated for a couple of years, took a break of about 5 years, then started dating again, before we got married. In that break time, we both took the time to work on ourselves. Neither DH or I was ready to get back into another relationship, but the time we took to work on ourselves was necessary for us to be in a healthy relationship.
But which 70% fail? The ones where people are engaged within 2 months of signing the paperwork, or the ones where they go to therapy, take time, journal, self-reflect, etc.?
B/c I would guess that only 30%, regardless of how long it is between marriages, really take the time to look at their marriages, look at their mistakes, and work towards being someone who can be a part of a successfull marriage, whether it is by the choices they make in partner, their own behavior, or a combination of both.
This is a shitty thing to say, and a sad thing to think. While clearly, I believe that jumping into a marriage or engagement before the ink is dry on a divorce settlement is foolish, I also believe that having such a glib, defeatist attitude won't get a person anywhere. Yes, it's important to be realistic, but that doesn't mean not having hope about getting it right the second time around. If you do the work on yourself, learn from your mistakes, decide what you can and cannot tolerate, there's no reason to assume we're all screwed.
Oh, and your stats are off.
http://www.divorcestatistics.org/
It's not incredibly heartening, but not as dismal as you say. I refuse to believe that I'm screwed, and I think that many of the other women who post here are going to be just fine, too.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
I agree with GOZ, that's a really shittty thing to say.
The bolded sentence makes me think you're probably going to be fine. And of course you can't imagine being married again -- you're still in the midst of an unhappy one. Anyone committed to introspection will ultimately come out of this process a better person, regardless of whether or not he or she chooses to remarry.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
My XH is also a serial monogamist, LOL. It caught him off-guard when I filed for divorce, so he was quick to replicate his comfortable situation. I don't think he's co-dependent, but he views his relationships as a status symbol.
I knew I couldn't do it. I knew I needed 1) time to heal by myself and 2) to date around so I wouldn't settle again. I've only had two relationships post-divorce, but I went on a number of dates with other guys. Some people I could decide on quickly (or vice versa). I think sometimes the timing works out to where the first relationship post-divorce really is the right one. I think these people have to be in a good headspace for that to happen though. If a relationship grows organically and time is taken to nurture it along, I think it can definitely work for the long haul. But if someone is co-dependent and enters into a fast-moving relationship, then that's just a recipe for disaster.
i agree - I think that's where a lot of the pressure comes from, I saw so many of my divorced friends that met their 2nd spouse, what, 5 months after they left the X? Honestly, if I hadn't come on here, I would think that's what happens for everyone and I'd feel so effing far behind.
I don't get how someone could have been at all invested in their marriage/ relationship and move on to find "the one" so damn quickly.
See, but why do you HAVE to get engaged? You can move on, date, move in together, what's the rush to put a ring on it. I would just want to be legally free from someone before I make a promise to legally attach myself to someone else. I have no real judgment about dating and moving on, and I bet if the divorce was taking 3-4 years I wouldn't side-eye getting engaged so much, but for me personally, I would not be comfortable getting engaged while still married.
I DO side eye getting engaged to someone you have been with less than a year and you are still married and have exhibited erratic behavior showing you are in no place to even be in a relationship. Actually, it is less of a side eye and more of a "I want to give her a hug and tell her it will be okay and then check her in to a hospital inpatient."
I try not to pass judgement because I know that every person and every situation is different. Who knows how long either party was checked out of the marriage before the divorce process even began. Personally, I was checked out of my marriage for over a year before I actually filed for divorce and even still I wasn't even ready to begin dating for another year. But then I know other people who were in a similar situation and in a serious relationship, moving towards marriage, before the divorce was finalized because they were emtionally out of their marriage long before the paperwork was ever filed. I don't know. Sometimes you are just married to the "one" comes along when you least expect it, and it isn't always on the timeline you anticipated.
And to the PP who said something to the effect of why the rush, why not just live together, well, I have kids and living together before marriage just isn't something that I ever see myself doing. I suppose that is different if there aren't kids involved.
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I sort of agree with you but not completely.
I am seriously dating one person, and my divorce is not final and it probably won't be for a while even though I filed over 6 months ago, separated before that, and checked out of my marriage a year or so before filing. I don't plan on getting engaged any time soon (so I guess my situation doesn't really apply), but I can see how someone would.
Basically, a big part of the work I needed to do on myself coming out of my last relationship had to do with my trying to control everything. I made relationship decisions based on what I wanted the outcome to be rather than just letting things play out and listening to my inner voice. When I first started dating my current SO, I kept distancing myself and saying the I was going to end it because I just wanted to casually date. One of my friends said, "you seem to really like this guy, so why don't you just take a step back and see what happens instead of trying to control this outcome?" So, I took that advice. Like I said, I'm not interested in getting engaged, but I could see how someone with the kind of philosophy I now have might go ahead with it.
Please note though, I think that marriage/engagement is for emotionally stable people whether they are fresh off a divorce or not. So the above does not apply to those who don't have it at least a little bit together.
I refuse to believe that just because I have been divorced before means that my current relationship (if we decide to get married) will end in divorce. That kind of thinking is extremely pessimistic. If you take the time to heal from your divorce, work through things, learn from your mistakes, these statistics do no apply to you. I also think your statistics are way off.
I agree with you OP. Some people are unable to be single. And that's a real shame.
I knew a guy like that. He started dating my BFF in 2002. 2005, they get engaged but no wedding date is set because my BFF wants to be financially stable (he was, he has a good career). July 2009 they breakup. My BFF realized she wanted to experience life as a single person (she was 21 when they started dating).October 2009, he is dating his X's friend's sister. September 2011, they get married.
So in the last 14 years, this guy has had 3 serious relationships, engaged 3 times and was single less than 6 months total.