Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Grandparents choosing favorites
Hi Ladies, needing some advice here.
My dh and I have a wonderful toddler who is very easy going and very loving. He loves his grandparents very much. That being said, our brother and sister in law also have to biological sons and 3 foster daughters. It seems no matter how hard we try our son is not treated equally with his grandparents.
A little background my MIL was very much against my DH marrying me. Main reason? I am Catholic and they are very very southern baptist. This was all 6 years ago, and though the main part of the disagreement was forgotten we can't help but notice how left out of their lives we are because we don't go to their church and share their beliefs.
So our bil and sil go to the church with our inlaws. They are all very involved together within the church, and as would be expected they are very involved in each others lives. We have always been invited to family lunches, dinner, holidays etc.. but lately (last year or so) have really gotten tired of the many times our son has been left out of the fun things they do with the other kids. My MIL even makes a point to call me and let me know what fun activities she's been doing with the other boys (ages 9 and 5) and how she babysits them at least 3 -4 days a week.
We have asked for them to come by and just spend a little time with our son, not asking for anything major, just one on one time with his grandparents. We have mentioned it time after time and they always say " well the others really need help with their kids right now" which is fine they have 5 kids we have 1. But I don't see why he can't be included with the other kids when they do fun things.
Like Saturday, MIL called me around 12pm and said she was out and about and had taken the boys with their great grandmother to have breakfast. Our ds would have loved to see them all, but he is just not included. I just don't know how to change this situation. We will never be a part of their family like bil and sil because of church and religious differences,but now my ds has to deal with this too. How can I go about changing this? Anyone ever been in a similar situation? SO frustrating especially when I know the older he gets the more he will notice that he is not included with his grandparents.
TIA!
Re: Grandparents choosing favorites
Well, since you are Catholic (so am I!) as you have more children either it will become easier sicne you will need help too and the grands will jump in. Or they will still treat you bad because you don't do their brand of Christian- in that case, IMO you are much better off! If they can't respect your beliefs, then oh well.
My parents would probably love to have my kids over more and to babysit, etc. however, they smoke and I won't let my kids spend the night or even spans of time with them on their own. I've seen my parents tell my brother that they won't smoke around his kids, and turn around and not honor that. So, why would it be different with mine? It wouldn't.
So, basically you have to accept it. You can't force them to do things with or for your child. yes, your child might notice, but that's a part of life.
You surely know that lunch out with grandma with a five and nine year old is much different than lunch out with a toddler.
This sounds like one of those things; your bil/sil are just closer to the inlaws than you are, and maintain that closeness through various activities you do not engage in. That closeness makes it easier for the inlaws to pitch in there, and the lack of closeness with you makes it harder to pitch in with your side. I don't think there's a fix for this unless you really want to make the effort to be as close as you can with them.
oh. And plan your own events and invite everyone along. I am guessing you are not paralyzed, and that you have a car/means of transportation, and a telephone. You can actually plan a fun event with the kids, and have them over to do fun stuff.
This. It's unfortunate when grandparents play favorites. But sometimes it's a function of grandparents gravitating to the ages/stages of kids they find easier to manage. Maybe they don't dig diapers or people who can't make their needs known in standard language. Or maybe they don't have the energy.
Or a function of wanting to do the most good. I could see where they feel "needed" by the other family. Sharing the same core beliefs plays into this, especially if these are a DD's kids.
Plus the loveliest toddler on the planet isn't going to have the same common interests as a 5 and a 9. And the routine of naps would harsh their collective buzz.
But, that being said, yes, their religion and the common ground of that religion may absolutely be playing a role too. They go to church w/ their grandkids. A bond is going to be formed through this.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I would plan a fun thing and ask if MIL wants to come along. I know you have asked her to come and visit, but that's not the same as saying "we're going to the park, would you like to join us?" If she is busy, she's busy but at least you've asked.
I would agree that 9 and 5 is different from age 3! Especially if grandma is alone, it's difficult to take care of three kids when one of them (yours) can't really manage himself.
When your MIL calls and says "I'm taking JoeBob and Jimmy to breakfast" have you ever thought it was an offer for BOTH of you (you and son) to join them? Maybe say "wow, we can join you if you get a table for 5!" That way, your son can interact with grandma and his cousins, and your MIL doesn't have the stress of watching over a third child at a restaurant.
If your mom can't be bothered, then stop listening to her "updates" on how much time she spends with her other grandchildren. That's a payoff for her in some way - maybe not to make you jealous, but just to point out how hardworking she is, how giving (even if it's not to your toddler!). Just say "wow, this isn't a good time to talk. I'll have to catch you later." or avoid her phone calls and let the answering machine pick up. Let your H call her - - she might not brag about her grandparenting adventures with him.
You can't change other people. Trying to do so will only be disappointing and frustrating.
You could put them on the spot more. Like ask, "Lunch with 2 grand kids? Why didn't you invite DS?" or "Lunch witht 2 grand kids? DS would love that, why don't we plan it for next Saturday?"
But be careful what you wish for. You may want a little more attention, but not be thrilled if they forced a LOT more attention. Hitting that balance is hard to do.
Anyway, I think its entirely possible that you still resent their coldness about wanting you in the family. Your feelings about that don't sound entirely resolved. So, you may be projecting how hurt your child will be 'someday' when in fact, it is you who feels hurt. As a kid, I didn't keep score of where my grandmother's attention laid - and I knew I wasn't a favorite and I didn't care. Your DS might not care or his relationship may change dramatically when he grows up. Right now, the only one feeling left out is you - and you need to face that. And not keep getting beat up about it.
We have a similar situation in my family, except it's between my mother and her mother, not MIL like in your situation. My grandma favors my aunt (mom's sister) and her kids over my mom's. Alot of this is because grandma does not like my dad. I was treated pretty well, but that's because I looked like that side of the family and the first grandkid. My sister takes after my dad's family, and grandma never took an interest in her. There's a whole history of favortism, but I won't get into it.
My mom has tried to bring this up over the years, and it's just something my Grandma will not admit to. As we got older, of course we figured out that she wasn't "into" us. This has caused a huge rift between them, but the "upside" of this situation is that my mom works that much harder at a relationship with us and vows to love her hypothetical/nonexistent-at-this-time grandkids equally.
This is a touchy subject. Anyone accused of playing favorites will get defensive, deny it, and probably accuse you of being jealous/petty. A big question is --what does DH think? How is she when she is with DS? Is she engaged, happy to see him, or is she disinterested?
I think there can be some damage done if a child thinks that a parent or grandparent does not like them as much as other children, and they do pick up on it. It may be a situation where MIL is not into toddlers, older kids are less work. Some people prefer children based on gender (grandpa wants to go fishing with grandson, not play barbies with granddaughter kind of thing). Sometimes parents are into the daughter's children more than the son's children and vice versa.
If your son's age is the issue, then extend invitations that you or dh will be there to take care of him and that this is not a "babysitting invitation."
This is something your DH should discuss with his mother, I don't see it ending well if you confront her. but I find it odd that she calls you to give you a play by play of what she does and how she's not including DS.
If she is being spiteful or trying to rub it in how much time she's spending with the grandkids and not including your child, then you rub it in what she's missing out on. "Oh he's walking" "Oh he did the funniest thing"...
When she realizes she's missing out on her grandson's life, hopefully she'll wise up.
Thanks for the feedback everyone.
DH agrees with me he has spoken to his mom about the issues, but now, she just avoids calling him when with other family members, she has even gone as far as to lie and say she's not with them, then to later mention it or change her story.
No I don't expect her to take my toddler into a crowded restaurant and get him to behave along with the other kids alone, but its not only restaurants its movies, parks or even just to sit at their house and play.And I usually find out after the fact when she calls to tell about her day, or sends me pictures.
It is just going to be a hard topic no matter what we do I guess. Its just not something I was accustomed to as a child, but all we can do just strive towards a healthier relationship. Thanks for listening!
I totally agree with Sue Sue.
You can be more proactive about certain parts of this. YOU can arrange an outing for all the kids so that your son can see them.
Just saw your update. If she is calling you to tell you about her day and sending photos, it sounds like she feels close to you. If she didn't like you I don't think she would be doing that.
Maybe she feels that you guys have it covered because you only have one kid and the other family has so many kids (5?), plus they're naturally closer with the church connection and all? As all of the kids get older I think it's possible that they'll include your son more.
My one set of grandparents were similar with my brother and I growing up. My aunt Needed my grandparents. She used them for babysitting, she spent time over there just to have company (she was/is SAHM) and naturally b/c my 2 cousins were at our grandparents several days a week they became closer. My grandparents even spent Christmas Eve night/morning at my cousins to do gifts in the morning.
Fortunately in my situation it was balanced out because I was/am very close to my other grandparents. I also never realized any of this until I was much older.
There really isn't anything you can do as a parent though, aside from speaking with them and expressing your concerns--you don't need a babysitter, you understand BIL/SIL have 5 children--you just want your son to have a close relationship with his grandparents. Things may change, things probably won't change. Does your son have any other family nearby? Can you make plans with BIL/SIL so he can see his cousins?
Just a thought - - is there any chance that you could be "in a bind" and NEED MIL? Maybe that is what she wants - to be needed / indespensible. ("MIL, I'm really in a bind. I was asked to attend a seminar, but my usual daytime babysitter isn't available. Is there any chance you could watch DS?").
I would also say - - if she is calling you to chat about her day, I don't think she dislikes you. BUT I agree with a pp - - don't give her the payoff of "talking about her day" with her other grandchildren if it bothers you and gets you angry/hurt. Either you need to quickly get off the phone when she brings it up "wow, how lovely. Listen, I have a call on the other line," to condition her that talking about how much she does for the grandkids isn't a good topic, or sweetly say "wow, I've got to tell DH what fun you guys had today" so she knows your DH will hear about it.