Starting Over
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Why do you think that the odds of divorce go up for second or third marriages?
I would think that people would know more about themselves and what they want from a partner (generally) after a divorce. Maybe it's the extra baggage that most divorced people have with each marriage? What do you think?
Re: Why do you think that the odds of divorce go up for second or third marriages?
Well, I've actually thought about this a lot. I think that the majority of women who post here contribute to my opinion on this too. I think that most of us here have done a lot of work on ourselves, and examined our role in our marriage ending. Many have also taken time out from relationships/dating to determine who we are without a partner.
That being said, I don't think that these actions represent society as a whole very well. I know most people I know who have gone through a divorce tend to do several things, pretty consistently:
-jump immediately into another relationship OR are already in a relationship before their marriage is even over (it's often the catalyst for the break-up)
-tend to blame the other person completely and totally for their marriage ending-ie, take NO ownership of what they did wrong
-are afraid to be alone and avoid it like the plague. This ends up working against them because they don't take time to really get to know themselves and really get in touch with who they are and what will make them happy.
-Because they are afraid to be alone, they end up dating loser after loser. Even if they don't end up with them, ultimately, they seem to repeat this pattern over and over again of being in unhealthy relationships with someone who isn't right for them. Basically it's a band-aid to cover up the fact that they cannot be by themselves and they're terrified of being alone for a moment. If they actually took some time for themselvs they might discover what they REALLY want, but they are too afraid to take that time out.
That's just my two cents.
It totally has to depend on the person. Essentially, there's the person that does everything with some forethought, gives serious consideration to the life change they've just gone through. It seems like that kind of person would significantly improve their chances of having a healthy relationship in the future.
then there's the person that jumps into another relationship to seek shelter from the grief of losing the marriage...and all logical thought is completely dismissed and they operate solely on emotion. Bad.
there they are, my 2 cents
Well, I've actually thought about this a lot. I think that the majority of women who post here contribute to my opinion on this too. I think that most of us here have done a lot of work on ourselves, and examined our role in our marriage ending. Many have also taken time out from relationships/dating to determine who we are without a partner.
That being said, I don't think that these actions represent society as a whole very well. I know most people I know who have gone through a divorce tend to do several things, pretty consistently:
-jump immediately into another relationship OR are already in a relationship before their marriage is even over (it's often the catalyst for the break-up)
-tend to blame the other person completely and totally for their marriage ending-ie, take NO ownership of what they did wrong
-are afraid to be alone and avoid it like the plague. This ends up working against them because they don't take time to really get to know themselves and really get in touch with who they are and what will make them happy.
-Because they are afraid to be alone, they end up dating loser after loser. Even if they don't end up with them, ultimately, they seem to repeat this pattern over and over again of being in unhealthy relationships with someone who isn't right for them. Basically it's a band-aid to cover up the fact that they cannot be by themselves and they're terrified of being alone for a moment. If they actually took some time for themselvs they might discover what they REALLY want, but they are too afraid to take that time out.
That's just my two cents.
I agree with this 100%.
I agree with this 100%.
Great insight!! I tend to forget that being single for years after a first marriage, or not getting serious with anyone right away, is not all that common. I especially see the blaming the ex completely thing a lot. Even if it was primarily the ex's fault, there is always something that you could've done differently if you really look back at yourself and your relationships. The opportunity for self examination and growth is there, and I don't think a lot of people choose to use the time after a marriage ends to do that. It's a lot easier and less challenging to just jump into another relationship with Mr. Right Now.
Agree with this completely! I had a rather unique situation in that I ultimately filed for divorce completely becuase of XH's actions. That being said, his cheating and drug use (while horrible) were by no means the only things that were wrong in the marriage, they were simply were dealbreakers that made my decision to leave very easy.
There were mountains of things that were wrong with our relationship from DAY ONE, that I chose to ignore. This signified something incredibly wrong with me and things that I needed to work on. Obviously I was not healthy if I chose him as a partner and I continued to put up with the way he treated me. It was so important for me to examine this to see what lead me down the road of getting a divorce, at eight months pg, upon just turning 27 years old. I knew that I needed to take a lot of time and do a lot of soul searching to figure out where my role in all of this was.
It would have been SO easy for me to simply lay the entire blame on XH. He was the evil bad, bad man who wronged his pregnant wife. I could've played that card for all it was worth, absolved myself of any and all responsibility and jumped into the arms of the first willing, warm bodied man who could save me from my dire situation and evil ex-husband and become my ready made knight in shining armor and baby daddy.
I agree with everything achase and others said. Most people don't take the time to really work on themselves and just jump right into another relationship.
To what Bowies said - I actually disagree with this. I would think that divorcees know how much divorce sucks and would do all they could to avoid it again.
I agree with this 100%.
I also agree with all of this and wanted to add, adding kids to the mix adds additional difficulty. As a single parent, you get to parent the way you want and no one questions it. When you have another person involved, it changes things some, and if they have kids, there could be totally different parenting strategies. I think that this strain on a marriage can cause some huge issues (speaking from experience!).
I am not sure about the odds going up or not. But I wanted to say that even if you go into marriage for all the right reasons YOU are only 50% of the equation.
There may be no red flags or anything wrong but your spouse may change or you may have life altering circumstance that happen that you cannot overcome together. This does not mean you entered into marriage lightly. It means *** happens.
His research proved otherwise.
This is a really insightful post, and everyone has had a lot to add. Sadly, seventy five percent of second marriages fail.
This is precisely why getting married again scares theshit out of me. lol I haven't discounted it completely, but going through another divorce that is out of my control would do a number on me. I am pretty sure I would turn completely gray and develop a face full of wrinkles if I had to endure all that again!
That is a very discouraging statistic.
From what I've noticed with family members and older friends it's for several reasons.
-Generally speaking, the 1st time someone marries they're younger (20's). They have their whole life ahead of them so they think through things a bit more since marriage isn't so urgent in terms of starting a family or slowing travel/play down to buy a home, etc.
-From women who want children I've seen a couple ladies jump into a marriage with someone (after a divorce) that everyone knew was terrible simply out of fear of their biological clock. They ended up divorced a few years after having a child.
-Fear of being alone. The whole "we're not getting any younger" mindset. Getting married at 40, 50, 60 is typically for partnership vs. starting a family. Stressors such as career goals, finances, and raising children are generally out the window as people at that age are usually settled and on their way/are at the point of just wanting to have fun traveling, dining out, socializing, etc. A lot of the stress of the "unknown" is out of the way.
-Not taking the time to figure oneself out. Insecurity. Jumping into a new marriage for fear of being alone overall without thinking things through.
I think impulsivity and immaturity are a large factor among the 20something set. A lot of us on this board (me included) are former beebee brides who were swept up in the pretty princess wedding days, and just simply picked our husbands way too young. It took me 6 years to marry my XH, so I thought it through in that sense, but it certainly didn't innoculate me from the other factors that play into a young marriage.
I think I know what you're trying to say here (remarriages fail because of rushing things after a divorce), and I agree that that's a large factor in answering "why", but the idea that first marriages are entered into with more forethought is kinda, well, wrong.
Because people blame the divorce/problems on their ex, they don't realize that the marriage was 50/50, and even if they married a sociopath, they CHOSE that sociopath.
If you can't sit back and figure out what you did wrong in choosing your ex, you will not choose a good mate the next time. And you could wait 20 years before re-marrying again, but still choose a bad made the 2nd time around.
I have to agree with this.
As achase said, STBXH's actions was the dealbreaker that made leaving easier. But I look and I see what I could have done better. I have worked on myself and tried to understand why I allowed myself ot ignore so many red flags.
STBXH is already in another relationship, has been "officially" for 3 months. It has only been 5 months since we separated and 3 1/2 months since divorce was decided. I just shake my head because he truly believes he did nothing wrong in our marriage aside from the affair.
All of this.
Not everyone takes the time to reflect on what THEY need to change.
It is discouraging. But I think it happens because of the reasons people listed above. People don't look at their own role in the divorce; they feel they have to blame the other person one hundred percent. which makes a person feel better, but is not particularly useful, and it's not usually that way (I'm setting drug abuse and violence apart from this, partly). People are drawn to certain kinds of people for very deeply rooted reasons, and if you're drawn to the wrong kind of person you have to do the work to figure out why; how to recognize it, and how to avoid it in future. And most people won't do the work.
I think the people who do the work are in the twentyfive percent.
Pretty much this exactly.
XH's affair was a dealbreaker. However, I also know I was far from the perfect wife in our marriage. I hid my head under a rock during our engagement and ignored the rainbow of flags waving in my face. I chose to marry him despite those things. I chose to believe the lies he told me about the OW, despite my gut feelings. I know I took our marriage for granted, we lived as roommates and the romance was gone. However, XH's affair was the nail in the coffin that made me file for divorce.
I did so much self-reflection even before I filed for divorce. By the time I signed those papers, I was at the beginning stages of being at-peace with my decision and the path my new life was headed down. I accepted my role in the demise of our marriage. XH, unfortunately, has not and likely never will. Instead, he'd rather call me psycho and controlling so he looks like the victim.
When I tell people how much I've grown, changed and learned from my divorce, it's really an understatement. I found strength I never knew was possible. I opened my eyes to see what it takes to make a marriage work and what is really a healthy relationship. I know that my son is my #1 priority, but my role as a wife is also a relationship I need to nuture separately from my role as a mother.
Love this, and those are my exact thoughts.
I am in this camp. You can do everything right, but that doesn't mean you will live happily ever after.