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How do you deal when you screw up?
I think a lot of my issue last night (and even now still) is that I feel like I screwed up. I shouldn't have let STBX or the OW draw me into the conversation/argument. I should have just hung up the phone and ignored the texts and been done. And even while arguing with him I KNEW I should just let him think and say what he wants and be done with him. But I couldn't. I don't know if it's the 12 years of history, that I hate being made a fool of, that I hate being lied to and about or all of it combined but I just couldn't end the conversation
So I guess my question really is: how do you forgive yourself for doing something you know was wrong?
And to take it a step further: how do you let go to avoid these stupid conversations in the first place?
Re: How do you deal when you screw up?
It's all 3 of these things, of course you're going to be upset - don't be so hard on yourself. You have a long history with this man, and it sounds like you still care about him - it's going to take some serious time to move on from that. Cut yourself some slack and know that you're doing the best job you can in dealing with the current situation.
It took me a long time (and many "screw ups" as you say) to realize that engaging XH wasn't going to get me anywhere. When I finally figured that out, I started to notice that EX was trying to get a rise out of me, and I when wouldn't give him a reaction he'd get so angry! If he tries to get you involved in a conversation or something just say/email/ text back calmly something like "I'm not going to have this conversation with you right now." For me, XH would find some excuse to be pissed about a bill he'd gotten in the mail or something stupid, and if things started coming to a head I'd often respond by saying "It sounds like you're really upset, so I'm not going to have this conversation with you right now, please send me a text or email once you've calmed down." At that point he would either get more upset or I wouldn't hear from him until he calmed down - either way, his feelings in that moment were not my problem - they were his.
Sorry to ramble on. I've been there. Keep on keepin on ~ HUGS!
Don't be too hard on yourself this time. Sounds like you're still working through things that came to light recently (from your previous post). It's hard to think straight, sometimes.
Here's my advice from reading both posts. You need to recognize that who you thought your STBXH was isn't really who he is. This will help you in the long run. I was also given fabulous advice from a friend when I was feeling the same thing...she told me to not have any expectations of him. She was right. I expected him to act a certain way, manage things in a certain way, etc, and when he didn't I was upset/hurt/mad/etc. I stopped expecting him to do anything and there is a lot less stress.
I'd also stop talking to him about anything other than the divorce or the kids. His personal life isn't something you need to know about, as long as the kids are being cared for. As hard as that is in the beginning, it does get easier. Before you engage, ask yourself what the purpose is...if it's not kid stuff or divorce stuff (although if you have a lawyer there's not much left to talk about there) then don't engage. If there's stuff you need to get off your chest, write it down but don't send, talk to a friend about your frustration, come here and vent or get in to see your counselor.
Hang in there!
That sentence I bolded is exactly what I think my problem is (that and my expectations of him)
I know it's true and I know that, in a lot of ways, I'm not just mourning the death of my marriage but the 'death' of the man I *thought* I married which is what is so hard to let go of. I am in counseling and I'm definetly going to bring this up at my next appointment cause I need some kind of coping strategy.
This was also a huge problem for me in the beginning. It does get easier with time, i promise. GL!
Please don't be so hard on yourself though - yeah, it wasn't the best move. Nobody's perfect and this is one of the hardest times in your life, if not the #1, so cut yourself some slack! Take from it what you can learn - that you don't want to do it again - and move on.
You've been hurt and you're emotional, but as a starting-over girl with no kids, I think it's amazing that you've been able to hold it together the way you have and take care of your children all the while. I really admire all the girls that have gone through what we did.
This was totally me too - fraught with problems though it was, I missed my marriage. I mourned its loss like the death of a loved one. Something my granddad told me was pretty helpful, though - he said "You didnt lose what you thought you had. You were in love with an illusion, and that's all you've lost." It doesn't erase what I thought I had but sometimes... it helps to realize you deserve more than an illusion.
I was very broken right after everything went down with my X. I talked to him more than I am proud to admit. I kept trying to understand what had happened, plus I thought we could at least do the division of property/divorce paperwork like adults. When it finally clicked that I should not have talked to him at all, I just cut all communication.
I was in therapy so that helped me a lot. I also found cutting him out completely was much easier than limiting conversations. Even when I needed to talk "business" he would try to slide BS into it. I let the lawyers handle everything.