Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
As it's slow, another IL story...
As I've shared here before, you must deal w/ me again.... 
This gets to me on 2 fronts. One front being that FIL SO wants to babysit DS more often. They've only done it once, and it was after we put DS to bed before we went out. But we have a few reasons why we're not comfortable with more than that, and the following story is why.
On the second front, I'm just confused/concerned/trying to figure out what's going on with FIL. He can be forgetful and gets distracted really easily. He is tested for dementia and other issues on a regular basis, and he gets a "clean bill of health". but still.... I'm worried.
The story:
DH took DS down to see them on Friday. FIL made breakfast for all of them.
Keep in mind that DS has celiac disease. He can't have wheat or gluten. So we have to be really aware of his surroundings and possible avenues to cross contamination. If he ingests any wheat or gluten, he will get sick.
So, DH needs to cut DS's omlette. He asks FIL for a knife. FIL hands him one. As he was just buttering his bread, DH asked "did you just use this knife to butter your bread?".
If it was the same knife, I actually am not upset that FIL didn't think about the cross contamination. He isn't around DS enough to really "get it". We live and breath it, so it's 2nd nature. I can understand why he wouldn't have thought about it.
But - FIL says "no". O.k., DH starts to use it, then stops, looks at it more closely and sees there are bread crumbs on the knife. Yes, actually, it IS the knife FIL was just using.
THIS is my concern- why did he say "no"??? This lack of thought/ forgetfulness is simply not o.k. when it comes to DS and his health! And that's the thing- we feel like his parents just don't "think" about stuff. They are so stuck in their own world, in their own heads - they can't break out of it.
But is it really that simple? That they 'don't think'?
Regardless, though, this is yet another reason why we have to keep them on the "can't babysit DS list unless we put him to bed first" list! I really dont' feel that I can trust them to make the right judgement calls when it comes to feeding DS.
Some of it not being 2nd nature is one thing, but the out and out "No, I didn't just use that knife" is just sooooo not o.k.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Re: As it's slow, another IL story...
If it's just being lazy and "not thinking" - if he pushes again to watch DS more, DH is going to have to have an honest talk with him. When it comes to food (and really, other stuff too, but this is the most important issue), he HAS to think beyond himself. He HAS to look at everything he does and how it could impact DS.
And it's something I'm fine to "school" him on, but I have to know that it won't go in one ear or out the other. He has a great tendancy for when we talk about topic X with him, he will take one of the million thoughts going through his head and find SOME connection and will take the conversation totally off course into topic Y. And then X is totally forgotten. And getting him back onto it is next to impossible.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Another time, we think he was victim to some cross contamination. He didn't get sick, but his poo wasn't normal and he seemed more lethargic than usual - and the only thing that made any sense was that something got into his system.
It's not life-threatening, which is good. But I clearly don't want my son getting sick if he doesn't have to!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
We had a similar problem with MIL and DD so I feel your pain. DD is lactose intolerant and for a while the doctors thought she might have a milk protein allergy. MIL would give her things with dairy, just not really thinking about if cow's milk was an ingredient. My mom got it right away so DD was allowed to stay the night, etc. with her but not MIL until MIL got on board.
Whenever I send DD anywhere, I pack safe snacks and soy milk in her bag just so I don't have to worry about a mistake that we'll be paying for over the next couple days. Is that a possibility? Or just to have them sit for him for very short periods of time to appease them and not at meal times?
If that's not an option, I don't blame you for keeping them on the "No babysitting" list. DD will have a terrible couple days if she gets lactose and I'm not going to put her through that just so someone else can feel better if they won't try to prevent it.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
But there are still the "other" issues that concern us too. MIL is not in great physical shape (although I will say, it's amazing to see what she's able to do when a cute 3 year old presses her to play with him....
). And FIL's forgetfulness/ distractedness plays a bigger role than w/ just the food.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I actually just asked DH what the follow- up was. LIke, did he say something to his dad, did his dad get it, etc?
He said he explained to his dad the situation and why it was a problem, and his dad was like "Oh- yeah. I understand. I just wasn't thinking". And DH said that this is so routine for his parents (their breakfast), that he really does think his dad didn't THINK about "Yeah,, I just used this knife and shouldn't hand it over".
It was actually his MOM who was more in the "what's the big deal? I don't see why this is an issue" camp. Awesome. DH talked to her some more about it. But still.... thanks.
DH said that if we are ever in a situation where they will be responsible for gving DS food, we'll have to have everything pre-cut and ready for them so that they don't have to think about it. But that we're going to avoid this situation if we can.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yeah, that would really frustrate me. I don't blame you and your H for not letting them babysit.
I'm with you on not letting them babysit. Regardless of whether they're not thinking of these things because they are no longer fully cognitive or if they just don't care to think about it, it's not safe for your son. It really doesn't matter if they're not doing it on purpose, they're still doing things in their routine that can cause your kid problems. And the older the are, the more set in your ways you get.
This sounds like my dad, to a tee. There most likely isn't anything clinically "wong" with him, it's just carelessness. My dad does drink though - does your FIL drink?? My dad is best explained as a man-child. He is codependent on people and everything he does is a task. DH and I don't have any children yet but both agree, when we do, he won't babysit them. My brother feels the same way with niece - him & my SIL won't let my dad watch her alone. He "babysat" her one time and that was while his gf was there w/him.
It's concerning because my dad has made stories about his irresponsibility with raising my brother & myself into "funny joke-tales". He likes to tell people about how he was bathing my brother when he was 2 yrs old and my brother reached for the faucet and burned himself badly....or, how he was playing nerf football with him when he was 3 yrs old (in front of our brick fireplace!) and my brother broke his nose...or, how he's lost us places, etc. Yeah, he just "doesn't think" either.
Shanners - no, FIL doesn't really drink. MIL is the drinker between them. It's interesting- both my parents and my IL's are retired. My step-mother was telling me how once you retire, it's very easy to kind of almost forget that the rest of the world isn't on your schedule. And a problem many older people have talked about is about how you have to actually remember to continue challenging yourself, keep yourself active, etc etc etc.
So, she and my dad strive hard to stay active, to keep up w/ what's going on in the world, they have hobbies, etc.
W/ my IL's - I feel like a part of their problem is that they've become lazy mentally. Moreso w/ MIL than FIL. She REALLY doesn't do anything (there are also depression/health issues w/ her too). she once said that all she wants to do is sit at home and watch old movies. You can't have a conversation w/ her about anything topical because she simply doesn't keep up w/ what's going on in the world.
FIL makes more of an attempt to be active, but at the same time, he's dealing w/ a wife who is shutting herself off more and more and she now gets angry at him if he goes out w/o her. So, even if not for the effort, he's kind of being pulled down into this lethargic life. And I really do think it plays w role in the "they just don't think" aspect of this.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10