Starting Over
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Turn on or turn off??
Chasing Emmii's post below brought this on.
When you hear "She is out of my league." Turned off because you want to be with men who are confident? Turned on because it is flattering that a guy would think so highly of you?
I found myself falling into this line of thinking in both regards when looking at on-line profiles. Found some women whom I considered out of my league and found others I considered them to be out of my league. Feels so juvenile.
Any thoughts on this?
Re: Turn on or turn off??
XFI would often make self-disparaging comments to the effect of "I don't know what a beautiful woman like you is doing with me!" The first few times, it was flattering. But it got old, really quickly. Kind of like, if he doesn't think he's good enough for me, why should I think that he's good enough for me?!
There needs to be a happy medium of mutual attraction and confidence in that attraction.
If it becomes more than a passing (silent) thought or just told to a friend or something, yeah, it starts to get on your nerves. Stalker Guy would always call himself fat and say he didn't know why I was with him, etc. Got to be a turn off.
I've only said it to you guys and my coworkers, just in joking conversation, but that's as far as it'll go. I would never say anything like that to him.
I consider myself an average-looking person. I don't know if I ever thought "he's out of my league" when I was looking online, but there were certainly men that I knew were looking for, uh, not me. I just clicked out of their profiles. There were also men that I just plain wasn't into, but again I don't think I coherently thought "I'm out of his league." I clicked out of their profiles too.
Online dating got really interesting when my BFF started doing it too. That's when it became obvious that women and men define their leagues very differently, LOL. My BFF is the total package (tall, blond, aqua eyes, athletic/slender, high-powered career, nice, smart, etc.) and would wrinkle her nose at the men who contacted her...the men I thought were decent and with whom I had some commonalities, but would ignore me. The men she went after (the ones I wrote off as douchey) would then ignore her. I often questioned if I had too-grand expectations, or if it was the men who did.
It all worked out though. My BFF has been with her boyfriend for about a year now, and I've been with mine for about 9 months. We're well-suited to our partners.
ETA: I've never once thought that my BF is below or above me. He's never expressed that to me either. Well, in a joking manner he says he hit the girlfriend jackpot, and I say no, *I* hit the boyfriend jackpot. If he was sad-sack about not being good enough for me, that'd be a huge turnoff.
Several thoughts on this. First, I'd be a bit concerned if someone said "you're out of my league" because that could be taken as "I'm not good enough for you". In that case, maybe I should listen to him and he REALLY isn't good enough for me and I should pay attention to that.
Also, if he's saying it because he really feels like he could never get someone like me, that's a bit of a turn off too because it means he's not very confident with himself. What and who decides who's good enough for whom anyways? There are no set rules that someone has to possess qualities a,b,c to be "good enough" to date someone else. Different people are attracted to different things.
Mostly think it is a turn on, but if the person has really bad self esteem then it is a turn off.
Like if it was one of many comments that reference them thinking poorly of themself... I would not want to be a part of that mess.
ETA: This has only been said to me twice and both times it was in a complimentary way. The guys had no self esteem issues.
I can definitely see the other side though.
I think that this is cute and flattering. To echo previous sentiments, a broken records of self deprecation is annoying and a turn off.
I've gotten guys saying things like, "Why would you want to be with an old man like me?" but that's more because I've recently been dating older men. Usually it's said in jest but likely stems from insecurity. Oddly enough, I like men who are older than me so it's not an issue and it's obvious that there is an age discrepancy.
It's not like age is something that can be changed so it's more preferential than anything. If someone said I was out of their league and they were some unemployed slob who wore sweats and played video games in their parents basement, that would be a different story!
These two ladies said what I was trying to say!
Ditto.
I dated a guy who always said "you're too good for me," and guess what? He treated me like CRAP!!! (yes, he was a loser with no job, overweight, bad finances, etc.).
DH says things in a "I can't believe my lucky stars I found you," type of way, not a "you're too good for me and I'm just waiting for you to dump me" way. And he's quite a catch himself, so I guess I"m lucky, too!
Do guys really say that outside of HS? My XFI used to say self-deprecating things like that constantly and like others have posted I eventually figured out that he was right. He wasn't good enough for me and treated me like garbage.
So, to answer your initial question - turn off!!