Starting Over
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I think I just blew it with S...
So, I've been dealing with my panic attacks. I had a breakdown two weeks ago, and we worked through that quite easily.
Last night, I had a random panic attack right as I was about to leave. He held me, and I thought we'd worked through it again. Until I didn't hear from him today.
At all.
Until he told me that he needed some space and time to think.
I think I absolutely blew it with this one. I'm a wreck.
Re: I think I just blew it with S...
Then he isn't right for you if a few panic attacks sent him running.
I get panic attacks over certain things. Mostly when I have way too many things going on at once and get overwhelmed. I am a single mom of a kindergartner, working full time and doing my MBA. Usually I can handle it all just fine. Sometimes I have so much on my plate in one week that I get overwhelmed and have a panic attack. I had my first in front of BF about 3 months in. I've had a few since. BF has always been supportive.
What is causing the panic attacks? Is it something to do with your relationship? I could see how that might be hard for him. Or is it work and generally being overwhelmed?
Don't think of it as blowing it. This is something that someone who is with you is going to need to be able to handle. If he's not cut out for it, better to know now than to find out after you're even more invested in the relationship.
Part of it was caused by him. He bailed right before I finalized my divorce (we had just started dating) because he got freaked out.
Two days later, he apologized all over himself, but I found it really hard to trust him again. So we had a few emotional conversations about it.
He's a good guy, but I put way too much on him. I am not quite sure what to do.
Some people cannot take the drama. Me, for example. I have a really, really stressful life. If I were dating a man who had what appear to be random panic attacks that I have to hold him through and work through a couple of times a month, I'd be bolting too; and sooner rather than later. It would not be a judgment or anything; just the recognition that I cannot deal with all I already have to deal with AND this. I cannot add to my work, I already have too much; and I can't sign on to a serious relationship where I don't know when or how often this is going to happen, and what that's going to mean for me and my responsibilities as related to the relationship itself.
I'm sorry he's not up for this; but some people can only manage low maintenance people/situations. It's good for the both of you that you found that out now.
That's the thing, though. I'm normally zero drama. It's just been since this rape came up.
Is it really sad that I want to fix this?
It's not sad that you want to fix this. It's really good that you want to fix this. Don't use this as an excuse to not fix it, that's not helpful. It's just that not everyone you meet is going to be cut out to be in a therapist role with you. Even if you like him, even if they like you; it just may be too much for him. Doesnt make either of you wrong or bad, just means he's not up for this.
I received one of these a little while back, except it was a "Goodnight honey". It also was after I had been a drama llama over dealing with my previous ex. I, like you stated earlier, am not typically so emotionally needy but things in our lives can surface and like PP said, not everyone is cut out to deal with them. My "honey" wasn't cut out to deal with it as I found out in the next few weeks. I'm ok with that. I know I have more to do on myself before I can be a good partner to someone else. If it's meant to happen, he will be there once I'm better and if it's not then I'm meant to find someone even better.
Maybe it's best to continue working on yourself and give him the space he has requested (at least he was honest about his feelings) and when you're feeling stronger on your feet you'll be able to continue with him. I know it feels devastating when you've found someone you're so compatible with, but you'll never be able to be truly happy together until you are both comfortable with where you're at.
You can take my opinion with a grain of salt : ) it sounds like you have really opened up to him and allowed yourself to become emotionally vulnerable to him. Which, with your history of sexual assault, etc. can lead to a lot of feelings of insecurity. As in, "I'm messed up and he is so wonderful for wanting to be with me." So part of this may be over analyzing due to insecurity on your part.
You guys have also been dating less than 6 months, right? And in my experience that's when you do kind of take a step back and evaluate where the relationship is going. For him to be evaluating where you will be going forward, particularly given the fact that you are emotionally vulnerable and the deeper you all get the more potential of him hurting you, is natural. Definitely give him the space to do that and to discuss it with you.
Lastly, I know you have become a huge supporter and advocate for other people who are leaving abusive situations on here. In that way you have really gotten past your marriage and become much, much stronger. It's admirable and you should be proud. But it also sounds like you have a lot of work to do on some other things like the sexual assault. Which is normal, you're not supposed to just get over it overnight. It just makes it really hard to date when a lot of your time and energy needs to go towards healing from that, but you're simultaneously trying to get to know someone and be a part of their life, and the assault keeps affecting your relationship. I know this guy kind of fell into your lap and he is a good guy, but you need to realize that you are still healing and that can put a lot of pressure on a relationship, especially a new one.
ETA: Your language of "I blew it" signals to me you have a lot more work to do and in your mind this relationship is not 100% equal. If he isn't prepared to handle some of the things you're going through that is not a reflection on you or your value as a partner. It is a reflection of the fact that some really sh*tty stuff happened to you. But you're dealing with it and you will be stronger and better as you continue to deal with it.
It sounds like he isn't sure how to handle what you are going through. He obviously cares about you but maybe it is too much for him at this time.
FWIW I don't think taking time/space is a bad idea for you. You have been posting a lot about how you are just now dealing with your emotions from your rape. I think working through that on your own and with the help of a therapist and making that your priority is the best thing you can do for yourself. If you are truly meant to be with S it will happen if not then you didn't screw anything up and you are saving yourself for further heartbreak down the road. Life has a funny way of working itself out.
PPs are right. He handled this poorly and you didn't do anything remotely wrong. If I were you, I'd be seriously evaluating whether or not I wanted to continue a relationship with someone who is so insensitive to something that's completely out of my control.
I'm not sure what his text from last night's about. Maybe he's feeling guilty about how he reacted and is second-guessing himself. Maybe he's just being "nice," or wanted to get credit for not letting an entire day pass without contact. You'll get a sense of it when you talk again.
At any rate, I'm sorry you're going through this, and I'm upset with S for his reaction. Anxiety and panic attacks stink. I've had them, my BF has them. It's lousy.
((hugs))
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with Biscuit.
Also, I don't think it's fair to say S is a jerk or whatever because he doesn't want to stick around for this. This is what dating is for, to figure out if you want to stay with that person long term. I think it's just a case of he's not right for you and not he's a jerk.