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How do I deal with my impossible mother?
Hi, I'm new to the nest but post on the bump now. I don't know if you guys prefer intros or people just jumping right in with a post, so I'm going to opt for the latter. I apologize but there's no way to explain my situation without this being a little long.
I have severe issues with my mother. She has pretty much been distant from me my entire life, though she seems to have no issues clinging to people who are far more toxic for her than her own daughter. She has a history of dating abusive alcoholics, but lucky for her they all seemed to prefer abusing me more than her, and she'd always make excuses for them and their abusive ways. She got pregnant with me while seeing a married man (supposedly separated) and decided to deny me the opportunity to know my father (yes, he could have been an a$$ but I feel like it was my choice to avoid a relationship, not hers). She also admitted to me a few years ago that the only reason I'm here pretty much is because she chickened out of having an abortion.
She married my "dad" and then cheated on him with a drunkard of a man who abused me so bad I had both legs in casts at 18 months and I had nightmares about what he did to me for years. She denies the extent of the abuse and tells me I must be imagining it, though she has no issues talking about the abuse I suffered during potty training as if it was her story to tell (in my opinion she let the abuse continue so she's just about as guilty so when she talks about it I get very upset). Eventually she got back with my "dad" who adopted me early in childhood.
They fought constantly (still do) and he was and is a drunk with anger issues and has thrown plates at me, hit me in the face and thrown me into walls. I made it well known if he ever puts his hands on me in such a manner ever again I'll have him arrested. At one point they were going to divorce again during my child hood and she actually asked me who I would want to live with... Why would he even be an option?
Fast forward to adulthood. They picked my exhusband over me in our divorce and refused to testify about the legitimate issues they saw while he had family lined up around the block to fabricate as much crap about me as possible. They still maintain a relationship with him 4 years after our divorce even though I am now married (like my dad helped him get a job a couple of months ago and they're on the same job right now and even roommates). It's a very awkward situation for my husband.
Then there is my cousin, who happens to be my mom's twins daughter. My mom and her twin have become total enemies over the years. My mom calls my cousin her adopted daughter and drops things with me to do for her. For example we were supposed to have a day out before my wedding with just me, her and my now MIL in place of a traditional bridal shower... well my cousin "needed her" so she opted to babysit for her instead. Then she offered to pay for my small reception dinner for our very small wedding. We get to the restaurant, eat and when the bill comes she tells me and my husband she's only covering half (my cousin ran up her phone bill or something and wasn't made to reimburse her). Now I'm pregnant and she was going to buy my crib. Cousin ran up the phone bill again so now she's "giving me money toward it" but wait, cousin is planning her new wedding while still going through her divorce (and my mom has been to every court date mind you) so I'm right back to not mattering (and she always has money to help her out). Even childcare is an issue. She offered to watch my daughter before I became a SAHM but it was always a HUGE issue although cousin could drop her kids off with no diapers, no clothes other than what they had on, not even baby wipes and my mom would drop everything for her.
The whole family sees it and they all talk about it but we all know my mom turns into a hyperactive, combative 3 year old when confronted and calling her out for treating her own daughter like a second class citizen will accomplish nothing because she doesn't see that she's doing anything wrong. I am just distancing myself slowly. I don't know what to do about her and I'm not sure I even care anymore because part of me feels like I'll never really matter to her.
DD1- 12/26/05 DD2- 4/12/12
Re: How do I deal with my impossible mother?
I have talked to my husband about my desire to do both (not to get his approval but just because we have really open communication) and he supports my decision to go, I just have to bite the bullet and do it. I think I've been putting it off because I had bad experiences with therapy as a child where they were trying to share more than they were supposed to with my mom (unless patient/doc confidentiality doesn't extend to kids) or trying to have her sit in on sessions which was uncomfortable for me. I know I won't have the same issue but I guess that experience makes me hesitant.
DD1- 12/26/05 DD2- 4/12/12
You are an adult now. You do not need to have any contact with any of these people especially your XH!
You need to cut all ties and get into therapy asap and intensly.
I do have to have contact with him as we do shared parenting with my daughter, but I know what you're saying.
It's hard to just cut your mom off when she lives 5 minutes away and all that, but I am slowly headed in that direction anyhow because it's a very toxic situation I know I don't need.
DD1- 12/26/05 DD2- 4/12/12
You deal with her by cutting her out of your life. There is no way for you to heal and be healthy if you keep drinking from the toxic pond. I agree with Al Anon and getting therapy. Give it another try and chance counselors if you do not find one you click with and keep at it.
Try not talking to her for a day, stretch it to a week, then a month. I bet you begin to feel better the more time and distance you put between yourself and your mom. I'm sorry you had such an awful childhood, but don't let her taint your adult life. Good luck.
I have a question for you, that I think you should ask yourself: why do you still keep this woman in your life? She has never treated you well, she has not earned the privilege of being in your life. She allowed you to be abused, neglected you, and to this day makes you feel awful.
Just think about what you are getting out of letting her repeatedly hurt you. Probably very little.
From everything you have written, there really is no need for your mom to be in your life anymore. She was never a mom to begin with. I would cut her out of your life. You are gaining nothing from her but heartache and toxicity.
Definitely go to counseling asap. You have a lot to heal from and it will also help you let her go.
I didn't see this before I posted, but I'm glad that you are starting to realize that is the direction you should go in. My heart breaks thinking that a mother could allow her daughter to be abused.
Your mother is just being attentive to your cousin to rub it in the face of her sister. It's not coming from any place of warmth or goodnees. It's pure spite and sibling rivalry.
You need to adjust your expectation of her. As in, expect nothing from her. Nothing at all. That's NOT your fault. Not your fault at all. Suesue mentioned excellent resources to help you get to a place. Do it. And keep doing it.
So are you going to let her do this to your child, like she did to you? No? Then why does she get to do it to you?
Seriously, you have to get busy with this. You are wasting precious time, and showing your child how ok it is for people to treat HER like this. Stop making excuses and get to work.
Honestly I'm glad to hear that you ladies agree with where my head is right now. I get really angry about the mistreatment but I have been told for half of my life "oh she's your mom, you need to talk to your mom" and the family that sees the issues also believe I should basically suck it up because she's my mom and she isn't going to change.
She threatened to have my daughter taken away once while I was out of town for a job interview, claiming abandonment because I quit answering her calls because I was sick of hearing her constantly bash her husband. I have also allowed her to guilt trip me out of several thousand dollars because she is irresponsible with money and I hated the idea of my "little brothers" to be without electricity or whatever (they have custody of my dad's sisters kids because believe it or not she's even more unstable than them but my mom is doing about as well raising them as she did with me, except they aren't being abused). I feel like I raised myself and I'm pretty proud of how I've ended up versus where I could have ended up.
At the same time part of me feels like cutting her out makes me an orphan. I already deal with abandonment issues concerning my biological father and as much as I know what I need to do it's hard to do (I know the therapy will help prepare me for it, but it's still a huge thing to do). I'm not making excuses not to do it, I'm just explaining the struggle going on in my head that has delayed me up until now.
I feel like I deserve better and I know it's up to me to make it better it's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other, taking it one day at a time and getting myself where I need to be.
DD1- 12/26/05 DD2- 4/12/12
Walk away now before she has the chance to twist the knife she's already shoved into you.
Good luck. You deserve better treatment from anyone, your mom shouldn't even be an issue.
first of all it shouldnt be hard no matter how close she lives....this woman is a abuser..she has mistreated you all your life and has let others do the same.
it is good that you are starting to see what you need to do, but it wont happen unless you go get some therapy...a therapist will help you get to that point hopefullt asap.
you need to do this not only for you but for your daughter,
you have to understand that your thinking is not logical...you reasoning as to why you havent let go yet is not logical to outsiders. this is such typical thinking by children who have been abused,,,but usually as they become teens and adults they can see more clearly...you are still stuck there.
you cant do this on your own, or you would have already..
DH (with the help of therapy) cut off his dad and it was the best thing he ever did for himself or for his relationship with his dad.
Yes, people will ALWAYS tell you you need to help her and include her in your life "because she is family," "because she is your mom," but family does not treat each other the way your mom has treated you!
Ditto therapy, then cut off your mom.
I also agree that she is always present for your cousin is to spite her sister. Please don't take it personally that she can't give to you, her own child. At the very least you should have learned to have ZERO expectations for her.
Your mom sounds like a horrible lady. I would stop contact with her right away, like pp have said.
Would you let your daughter be treated like you were treated? no so why are you letting yourself be treated like that.
Your daughter needs a mother who cares about her and is there for her. You do not want to show your daughter how your mom can be.
Please cut ties with her for your sake and your families!
Good Luck.
physical abuse due to troubles at potty training
actually it is the most common time for abuse in a childs life...
Ditto the pp - - why would you WANT this woman to watch your children?
I think you need to step back and ask yourself if you want your children to see how your mother treats you. Would you want your children to see how she allows men in her life who abuse her child? Do you want your children to see that it is ok for a woman to shack up with a man who is alcoholic and abuses her children - is this behavior you want THEM to mimic? If so, you need a break from her!
You need therapy. YES - there will always be people who try to tell you how to live your life and who will tell you you MUST have a relationship with her "because she is your mother...." but what mother would do that to her children? Wild animals do not allow that behavior! If someone abuses their kids, they EAT them!
So go to therapy, and only allow the people who support you into your life. Truly, the relationship between mother and daughter is nobody else's business.
THIS!!!
I actually started crying a little reading your post. People have no right to abuse you, whether they are family or not.
That "she's your mother so you should love her" stuff is BS. Your mother doesn't act like a mother and does not deserve to be treated like one.
I come from horribly abusive parents too, and I cut my mother off a few years ago. Wish I had done it sooner. PM me anytime if you want to talk.
Dear Mom,
I am an adult now and raising my own child. I will not show my child that the way you treat me is normal. My health and my chuld's health are my top priority. I am cutting all ties with you. At sims point in the future if you agree to handle issues in the presence of a therapist I will be willing to welcome you into our lives.
Goodbye,
Me
It took my mom 6 months of not seeing her grandson for this to sink in.
I'm trying to be respectful here but your answer really pisses me off.
In my case, I'm recommending OP think about cutting off the abusive parent b/c I have been there. And I didn't see anyone here use the word immediately. While I respectfully agree with the recommendation for therapy the advice to cut an abusive parent off might be coming from others who have been there. And just who do you think suggested I cut off my abusive parent in the first place, huh? You guessed it, a therapist.
Don't even think for a minute that people cut off a parent without giving it very serious thought and agonize about it for years. How insulting and frankly rude to the OP and those of us who deal with this issue.
Nope it's not, you are right. Sorry to all for letting my personal feelings get in the way of the advice the OP asked for.