Military Nesties
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Nobody is excited or happy for us! (VENT)
Hey guys, I mostly post over on the bump but this page is more active so I'm posting over here today. DH and I have been considering this whole military life since November. On Tuesday he finally enlisted. And so far NO ONE is happy for us or excited. This is a huge step for us and our family and it means sacrificing some things, like being close to our family, our house, and DH's pretty well paying job. But he wants to serve and get an education out of it so those are some of our bigger reasons for joining. But NO ONE is happy, everyone has given us a hard time asking why on earth we'd want to do that, etc. etc. I don't get it, why can't they lie and just be supportive!!
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Re: Nobody is excited or happy for us! (VENT)
I think people are probably just not excited because they are scared for his safety and uneducated about all the opportunities that him joining will bring to your family.
For some unsolicited advice... people who aren't military or have experience with the military have a very difficult time understanding why we choose this lifestyle. I would just start getting used to it now.
My family was all sorts of WTF and NO when I told them I was enlisting. And I told them with no notice whatsoever. LOLOL
You can support him, and his family will most likely come around after the initial fear and worry wears off, unless they're all hardcore hippie pacifist anti-war people. Are they?
It just makes me sad, I guess I expected more from people. Some support maybe in making some pretty huge life adjustments. I think this is just a pity party for me, cause I don't have anyone else at the moment to throw one for me! ;-)
I'm very happy with our decision and I think it will give us some great opportunities in the future. Just expected more from our families and friends.
No they're not. But they're the type that want other people to serve for their freedoms and not give up anything for it..
I think a huge part of why peoples reactions are hard for me is because I'm trying to bury the fact that I'm scared sh*tless at the moment. I don't know what any of this new life contains for us and to have to hear peoples negative comments on top of my being scared of this new and different life is getting really hard.
My family was very concerned when I married DH. They had little to no knowledge or experience of military life, or the difficulties/pressures therein, and they were very worried about how it would impact me and our relationship. They were coming from a place of just not knowing enough to avoid a lot of worry, and they meant well.
Their take on things improved when they were able to visit us at DH's first duty station, and see how well we were settling in. I think they still sometimes worry about us, but it's not as big a concern for them anymore. And they are seeing some of the positives now, as well, so that helps.
So, yeah, it can be hard for family and friends to show excitement for someone when they are worried for them. Take it as loving concern for your family, and try not to let it get to you.
2014: 4/40
[2010: 63] [2011: 35] [2012: 23] [2013: 27]
my read shelf:
1. A lot of people don't understand the calling to serve.
2. Many of these reactions are selfish. They don't want to give up the time they have with you and your family. What if y'all are sent to Germany or the other side of the country? How often will they see you?
3. Parents fear for their children. This isn't always an easy life.
My mother was convinced I was going to die when I signed up. My brother begged me not to go. "If this is some sort of family honor thing, I'll go. I'll sign up. You don't have to be the one." was his exact quote.
Don't bother with their negativity. If this is honestly what you two feel is best for your family, that's all that matters. Continue to support your husband. The families will come around. If they don't, move on.
Eh, that's what a voluntary service is all about; those who don't want to sacrifice don't have to; this life is absolutely not for everyone. And I would guess that this is where part of their apprehension and negativity stem from, in addition to their lack of education about military service. Like others said, once they get over their initial shock and learn a little bit about it, I suspect that they won't be so negative.
I'm sorry that you aren't getting any support from them though. It sucks that you need someone to talk to, and your family can't be there for you. Perhaps as you learn more about the lifestyle, you can start to educate them as well?
I'm sorry if I remember wrong, but you said he's joining the Army, right?
http://www.goarmy.com/parents.html
This is a great link for parents. It's geared more towards parents of younger people, but it has a lot of great info to help parents feel more comfortable with their child's choice to join. It also has resources for parents, real life stories and I'm pretty sure there is a message board for parents to ask questions.
My mom still won't talk about me commissioning, and I've been talking about it for 9.5 years. My stepdad is a Quaker, and thus a pacifist and conscientious objector. My father sent me the link to the movie about sexual assault on women in the military the other day and once sent me a pamphlet about joining the Peace Corps instead of the Marine Corps. He told me if I joined when a Republican was President that I'd be turning my back on morality, and that if I got to be a light attack pilot (my original goal) I'd be a murderer and that he'd disown me. I told him that he served in the military during a time of war and had he been sent to Vietnam (he was not) he would have gone, and how sad would it have been if his parents disowned him for that. I talked about the Just War Theory and Von Clausewitz with him. Now I just call him a hippie when he gets started and we stop talking about it.
Honey badger don't care. H is down, which is why I married him, and my close friends are down. They're all the support I need. People's families are crazy. That's just how it goes.
You're going through big changes and depending on their world view maybe they really don't see why any of it's being done. Maybe all they see are the sacrifices being made and truly don't understand what there is to be happy about.
If you really want support from them you may have to tell them that you need their support and hope for the best. I don't want to be Debbie Downer but you can't force people to be happy and excited for you. Their feelings are their own.
Fantastic site, I scoured those message boards for weeks while waiting for my slot to open.
I agree with this. I think sometimes even people who are experienced with the military tend to have a difficult time with accepting it. My dad is retired Army and I also have 3 brothers that are AD in various branches. Still, my family flipped out when they found out DH(we weren't married then though) enlisted after we graduated college. Part of it was because he enlisted instead of becoming an officer, but they still flipped and tried to convince him not to go, tried to convince me not to stay with him....said all kinds of pretty terrible things. My mom even went so far as to tell me she could never support me if I ever chose to marry him(FWIW--she was very supportive when we got married a couple years later). Looking back, I realize it is because my family was trying to protect me from some of the emotional pain you have to deal with as a military spouse.
The good news is everyone came around eventually. Despite all the initial resistance and opposition, we do have a VERY supportive and loving family. They now realize we made the decision we felt was best for us and that would make us happy.
As long as you and DH are confident in this decision, hopefully they will eventually see how happy this decision makes you not only now but also in the long run.
Guys I just wanted to say THANK YOU. I was very down today after hearing all my coworkers have nothing good to say and pretty much give me the cold shoulder all day (and yet I'm still working there for 6 months... woohoo) and then I tried to vent to my Mom and I got the whole "you have to understand where we're coming from" instead of just letting me vent. It just all spun out of control emotionally into a big ball of 'waaaaaah!'. I got home and talked to DH and we both kind of reconfirmed with eachother why it's right for US and that if they didn't want to join us and be supportive then that was their loss.
I want to thank you guys for all jumping in with help and advice. I know this is a pretty big thing with military families, being there for one another, and I'm very grateful that you were so readily there to help. Even just some kind advice when someone's down can really turn their day around. So thank you!
........you're from my hometown. Did you grow up in Scarborough?
My mom still doesn't understand the military or why anyone would ever want to be associated with it, but she deals with it in her own way. Hopefully your family will eventually see the positives and stop focusing on the negatives.
Hey! My husband was born and raised in Scarborough but I grew up mostly in Gorham. Were you raised in Scarborough? Where are you living now?
Sent you a PM!