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Grandmother Update
So the PT folks at the hospital feel that my grandmother has gone as far as she can go in-patient. It doesn't make sense to us because she still can't go to the restroom by herself (the portable potty by the bed) but she can make it across the room with a walker.
In any event, they are looking to discharge her soon. She can't live by herself so my mom & stepdad are rearranging their house so that she can have the back bedroom all to herself like a little apartment. The discharge would be great if my mom felt prepared. She doesn't. She is working with the church and social workers at the hospital to try to figure out in-home care. My stepdad works from home, but my grandmother and he have an odd relationship. My mom is worried that she won't let him assist in her care because of embarrassment and that he is a man. He has experience because he took care of his own mother up until her death. Its hard on my mom because she is the breadwinner and can't afford to not work right now with all of this going on they need the money.
Another issue is my grandmother's mental state. The Doctor has officially diagnosed her with dementia and we are not sure if she fully understands all that is going on. My mom didn't listen to me (or anyone else) about getting power of attorney etc. signed over earlier. Now she has to go down there and try to work it out with my grandmother (who isn't really getting things) to get her to sign the living will and other documents. Its just tough.
The doctor is worried about failure to thrive because grandmama can't keep weight on and calorie consumption for recovery is vital at this stage. My mom is convinced its the hospital food (which from what I've seen is not that great from when I was there) and that with some TLC soul food she'll bounce back. I'm not entirely sure this is the case, but I don't want to rain on my mom's cheerleading parade so I keep mum.
IF she is diagnosed with failure to thrive then the doctor warned us that she would recommend hospice service. We are worried that when the information finally works its way through her system that she can't drive or live alone that she might just give up. Its a reality that we are trying to prevent but the depression she's got going on now is pretty intense.
My mom doesn't feel prepared and the hospital is really odd with these last minute updates so my mom feels like she is scrambling all the time. End of life stuff really is depressing and hard to go through.
If you have any T&P for us that would be great. Its extra hard on my mom because she feels like she is all alone. her husband is awesome and tries, but losing a parent (or impending loss of a parent) is really hitting my mom hard. She said she feels like she is slowly losing her which is almost worse (in her opinion) than sudden loss.
So please, if you can, send some good vibes that we can get this all worked out and Grandmama comfortably situated for as long as we can until she goes home to the lord. Her doctor warned us and was up front that she might not see summer. We are trying to prepare ourselves for whatever is next.
I feel so sad for my Grandmother because it must be so hard to lose your independence like this. For someone who has been on her own since she was 19 and very self sustaining all these years, its such a blow to her spirit. Also, the knowledge that your life is coming to a close must be terrifying. No one wants to die and to feel like its all slipping away must be so hard.
Sorry for the rant. I just got this news this morning and am feeling kind of low. Trying to sound chipper over the phone to my grandmother so she doesn't worry that I am worrying. Keeping a brave tone sometimes takes its toll and there it is. Thanks for your thoughts as we make our way through this.
Re: Grandmother Update
It's really hard to be a caretaker for someone with severe dementia, and even harder when it's your mom. The reverse parent thing is difficult to deal with emotionally.
Do you live near your mom? She's going to need your support, but it sounds like you are ready for that.
My grandmother lives with my parents because she can't take care of herself. If she makes sense when she talks, it's only to say things like, "My sister should be coming to get me soon, so I won't be able to stay for dinner." It has been really stressful for my family at times, but you do what you got to do.
Sorry, Betty.
I'm sorry.
FWIW, my family HAS done the "we are not capable of being prepared for the special needs of X in that timeframe, so if you discharge her, we will not be taking her home. We won't put her in the car or pick her up" thing w/ hospitals.
It actually does AMAZING things. So if Mom needs to have something done by Monday and she can't, she CAN refuse to take custody. We've done it w/ both of my grandparents...hell, my mom did it when my dad was hurt, she refused to let them put him in her car (because she'd have been stuck at home w/ no way to get him out when she got home)--they found him a bed for the night, etc.
Thank you Muddled.
Sadly, I live on the west coast and my folks are on the other side of the country. If I lived closer I would gladly take on the challenge of caring for her in my mom's home. That is why we took a special trip with Abby when we thought that she wouldn't make it out of the ICU before.
I offered to go out again (since I am a SAHM, I don't have to worry about work) but my mom wants me to stay put with Abby. I am secretly thankful because travel was hard last time.
@GBCK-- thank you. I have a feeling that my mom just needs to be a little more firm in her assertions, but she is feeling so lost right now that it is hard on her. I will definitely pass this information along.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm so sorry you and your family are having to go through this. I agree with GBCK that if your mom needs more time then she needs to let the hospital know, but please make sure she understands that it cannot be last minute. After working in several hospitals I know how much traffic they usually have going in and out; your family and grandmother have a much better chance of them cooperating if you give them the heads up. Those beds usually aren't empty for very long at all, they may be counting on your grandmother's room coming available.
FWIW, your grandmother is a very lucky woman to have a family willing to take care of her and move her in with them. I don't know how much she understands most of the time, but in the moments of clarity I would think she would feel fortunate.
Your family is in my thoughts and prayers, Betty.
When my mom took my grandfather, in she "let him pay her some rent", out of his disability check. Really, she would deposit most of his check in his account, and give him the rest in cash, and when he gave her some "to help out with the house", she just put it back in his acct. I remember, how much it seemed to mean to him, to feel like he was contributing, even though he wasn't able to work. Perhaps, your mom can do something similar, to help your grandmama, maintain some of her feeling of independence.
Also, how good of a watch are they keeping on her blood sugar? My grandmother is diabetic, and one time when she was hospitalized, they accidentally didn't feed her for almost a whole day. (she had been scheduled for a surgery that ended up being cancelled between meal times) Her blood sugar had crashed, but the doctors didn't realize it, because they assumed she had dementia and was always that incoherent.
Anyhoo, the point of my babbling, is to say make sure that they rule out other possible causes, before they just write her off as "old person with dementia".