Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Update: situation with S.
So I heard from him today. He invited me to coffee. I asked if we were okay. He responded with just telling me that he wasn't breaking things off, but that he was sad, overwhelmed, and just wanted to talk. However, he was certain that he loved me.
It's odd, because in the past two weeks, I've realized that my rape is not my fault, and that my last hang up is just feeling physically safe again. My panic attacks stem around that, so I've been taking the steps I need to feel that way. Like setting my alarm before I go to sleep, making myself get used to all of the house noises my apartment makes, and learning self-defense. I eventually decided that like my abuse, my rape is the doing of a very sick man, who cannot ever touch me again, or at least not without getting his ass handed to him.
He has had to deal with a lot in a very short time. And I do not want him fighting this for me. It's not is job; it's mine. Being with him has just underscored how important it is that I face the schit my XH handed me. I don't ever even imagine that S will be anything like my XH, because the idea itself is just so absurd as to be unthinkable. I'm over my marriage, and I've accepted my rape. It's not something I want to discuss in lurid detail, but I accept it. I'm okay with it. My panic stems from just learning to feel safe again.
However, I have been getting better in leaps and bounds, and I do not want to lose him to something that I've damn near beaten. I can't control my attacks, but I can control stamping out their triggers, which I've been deliberately doing. And dammit, I'm going to do that if it freaking kills me.
Re: Update: situation with S.
I get what you guys are saying. I do. I just don't want to make any major decision just yet.
Timeline: My rape was two years ago. I left XH a year ago. I actually asked if I should leave S yesterday in therapy. Therapist's reaction was 'not just yet.'. Or at least until I clear my head a bit more.
How long after you left your H did you meet S?
Seems so fast.
I have to say that I'm kind of the in same boat as previous posters. I know alot of people yesterday said that panic attacks are OK, he's lame for wanting to leave you, etc. While I'm glad he is being mature about it in wanting to discuss it, I have to say I somewhat symapthize with him. It must be very overwhelming for him to learn how best to deal with this siutation. What happened to you with your XH is a BIG deal. I'm glad you're coming to terms with what happened and are dealing with it, but I have to say that having a relationship while you deal with it isn't maybe the best idea. that's great if he's supportive and wants to work through it with you, but I can't say he's at fault if it's too much for him.
I still echo the previous posters in the "get your sh!t together on you own". You have alot to deal with...it's going to take some time.
You know that I adore you and wish you so much peace and happiness in life that you can barely stand it!
That being said I think that you're pushing too hard to maintain this relationship when you need to focus on getting yourself back together again and for your own sake. A lot of your focus on getting better seems to be so that you don't lose S but I think that's the wrong motivation.
I really think that you started dating too soon. And I hate to say that because for me personally I already feel sh!tty enough about having been in (and stayed in) an abusive marriage and that translates to me feeling like friends and family think that I am incapable of deciding when and how to date and being extra-vigilant over my personal affairs from this point forward. You are strong and smart, we all know this, so I hope you don't feel like I'm undercutting your ability to make intelligent decisions. I'm just being honest with you just like I'd expect for you to be with me.I feel like you're rushing the healing process. Realizing that the rape was not your fault and then being ok about it minus the 'physical safety' aspect in the span of 2 weeks does not seem reasonable.
And also, what about triggers that you cannot control?
My healing process is not motivated by S, though I see how that's coming across. Screw him for a moment. I refuse to live like this.
My attacks occur in very specific circumstances, or at least that's what I've discovered by journaling and talking it over with my therapist.
The reason I realized it wasn't my fault is that it was just like the rest of my abuse from XH. It was just one more thing he did that I couldn't control and definitely didn't deserve. Once I got that through my head, the rape was easier to process.
Look, all I'm saying is that I don't want to make a permanent decision right now. I was fine until two weeks ago. Let me clear my head first.
ETA: by fine I mean that I'd processed my divorce, and would not date until I was sure I had. My rape came up when a panic attack occurred.
I concur with everything that has been stated here.
Being emotionally ready for a relationship includes being a good partner for someone, not just picking a good partner for yourself. I don't think you're ready yet.
I think it comes down to this right now: you are not emotionally health enough to be in a relationship at this time. So either you continue this relationship and it probably ends because you aren't where you need to be in order to put in the time and effort, or you agree to take a few month hiatus so you can work on yourself and possibly revisit dating at a later stage.
If he is really good enough not to lose, you need to take a break to take care of yourself. He's shown you he isn't ready to deal with this right now, you have some work to do, and feeling guilty and pressuring yourself to get better faster and not burden him is going to make it harder for you to get better. And I think will inevitably tank the relationship.
Why not just tell him you're crazy about him but clearly need to work on yourself for awhile; can you revisit the idea of dating in a few months? If he's that good, he'll respect your decision and it will take some of the pressure off the relationship right now, which might be exactly what you both need to make it work long term.
ITA wtih this.