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Those that have not had much luck dating since divorce....
This is more just a vent, I guess.... because I am feeling so discouraged about my dating future. Since my divorce i have dated only two guys and they have both been horrible azzholes to say the least. I didn't per se take it exceptionally fast. i just feel like being brutally honest and expressing to men what it is that you desire and want in a relationship, just does not work. it's not like i want to be married again right away and have children, but i have been with the same man for 15 yrs, since i was 16y/o, i am now 32. So I pretty much know nothing about the do's and don't of dating today, but i have tried to be honest with men and tell them what i'm looking for, so that i am not wasting my time.
I'm just so discouraged and heartbroken that I will never find someone that will love me back. I am having a really rough day.
Thanks for letting me vent.....
Re: Those that have not had much luck dating since divorce....
It will get better. Maybe just take it slow or take a break from dating at this point.
When you do try again, maybe dont be so forthcoming about your wants/needs/background. Wait a little bit to get into that stuff. Sometimes that might scare them away.
Have you tried online dating? Usually it takes a while, but you might be able to find someone good on there!
It takes time and I will agree that dating in your 30s (I was 35 when we divorced) is a lot different than dating in your teens and early 20s.
That said, I'd have a few "fun" dates with someone and get to know them before you lay all your cards on the table. I think with bf, he knew the basics (divorced, one kid, want to get married again) pretty early on -- like in the initial phone conversations we had after we chatted on line a bit. However, I didn't put it ALL out there until I felt we were getting more serious. Once I knew that I really wanted more than just a casual thing with him, we talked about it. I let him know that before we go any further, I needed him to know that I am dating to find a life partner. I'd like to have more children, but "the shop closes at 40" for personal health reasons. My ex doesn't pay child support and probably never will. My son will always be #1. You get the idea. He was fine with all that and we are on the same page about it as well. I think we had that conversation about a year ago around the 3-4 month mark. Now we live together and are planning our future.
It takes time and patience.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Ever heard you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince? Well that's been my dating life, post divorce.
I have dated and had several short relationships and none of them have worked out. That being said, there really is something to gain from every experience. I might not have thought that at the time when I was dealing with yet another disappointment from yet another dud, but in hindsight everyone I've encountered has been a learning experience.
If you have a defeatist attitude about it all, then maybe it's not the right time to date. Being ready to date means accepting the possibility (and it's a BIG possibility) that things might not work out. If you have a more carefree attitude about it and just enjoy the experience and the opportunity to meet someone new, it will probably be much easier, and who knows, you might even meet someone great in the process!
Don't look at it as a chore and with an agenda of relationship, marriage and then babies (which is what I gathered you're doing based on your post). That gives off a desperate vibe that isn't appealing to anyone.
What do you mean by "brutally honest?" It might be easier to help you out if we know what you are saying.
FWIW, you can be honest and forthcoming without being brutal.
I have been divorced for almost 2 years and I haven't been in a serious relationship because I haven't been ready. I have casually dated a few different men and I had wonderful experiences with all of them. I learned a lot about myself by remaining single and really enjoying the experience of dating without pressure. I am just getting to the point where I could see myself in a relationship again but it will need to be with the right person.
However I am not discouraged at all... I am a great girl with tons to offer and I know there are wonderful men in the world. I think you need to refocus on yourself.. when you are happy and confident you will attract the same type of man.
Yea I think there needs to be some discretion used in how "honest" you are. There is really isn't a need to go beyond. 'I'm looking for a long-term partner to share a life and great memories with" at the onset. As things get more serious you can lay out the deal breaker questions.
I say this not to be rude, but you are coming across as very defensive and angry. I wonder if some of that attitude isn't also coming across to those you have dated. You're only 32 there is plenty of time to find someone. In the meantime you need to be happy and content by yourself. I find that once women on this board have really become secure with themselves and being alone (but not lonely) Mr. Right seems to find his way in.
What I did was take some time for myself, did the things *I* wanted to do with my time and energy, made some new friends, and then eventually met my boyfriend of three weeks (who is a fantastic guy).
When you take the time to focus on your own happiness, you ultimately attract someone who is good for you. It doesn't happen the same way or in the same timeline for everyone, but focusing on you and your happiness outside of a relationship is the first, and by far the most important step.
The best advice I got when I started dating again was to stop over analyzing every guy as a future husband....it's okay to date just to date. I think after a divorce it's healthy to date without it always being about turning the date into a relationship. I'm not condoning sleeping around, but I do believe dating the different types of men that I dated, and just enjoying the dating process is what led me to figure out what I really wanted/needed in a man. And when you DO meet that right person, it will all just fall into place.
In the beginning, I did what you're doing as well. I figured it was better to just tell the guy I'm looking for a real relationship, not just screwing around. But then I realized that it was up to ME to set that pace and tone, and I needed to trust my instincts about someone and where the relationship was going. You're instincts will tell you if a guy is just looking to mess around, you just have to listen to them.
Try not to set too many guidelines or expectations of your dates, OR of yourself. Just enjoy the process, try to look at it as an adventure, and learn a little bit more about yourself as the time passes!
NJ_ girl,
When i say brutally honest, I just mean i normally tell guys not on the first date i've been married, but that i have been married before, and at my age i'm not looking to exchange a few drinks, dinner a movie and try to be taken to bed. It seems that most guys nowadays are just about how many women they can have, whether it be friends, girlfriends, sexual partners or whatever. i am so not interested in being with several different men.... sexually.
This really was just a complain/vent post that because i have been with the same man for 15 yrs, even sexually... I think i am not dating material for most men because I have set my standards waaaay to high, i guess.....
Also,
Thank you ladies. I do feel like I'm a bit inexperienced when it comes to dating. i do have this complex about being alone and I bet I do tend to be a bit tooo straight forward instead of relaxing. I'm just a bit frustrated that I tend to only attract married men, men that have several women and wants to make me one of.... if you know what I mean.