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Blindsided and Devastated
The knot tells me my hubby and I have been married for 1664 days. I am still very in love with him. He has been pulling away the last year or so though. it came to a head last weekend. I am ten years older than my husband. I was married before and now have to children 19/22. They still live with us. My health isn't the best and this is something that was present before we got married. I always told my husband before we married that I didn't want to have another child. He told me that he would be happy to have a child, but he loved me more and wanted to marry me. Since then I had my tubes tied and had to have my ovaries removed due to a tumor.
On saturday he told me that he changed his mind and now wants a child. He said he has become increasingly unhappy because of this. He said he always thought he would only be married once, but now he is challenging that thought. We have grown apart in the marriage because he has withdrawn from me!
I am beyond devastated. I never expected this.
We are starting counseling. He said that he wants to work at the marriage, but i don't know if that is just so his conscience will be clear if he leaves. He is 37. He didn't find me (who he said is the love of his life) until he was 29. Does he think he is going to find someone to marry and have his kid in the snap of his fingers, even if he leaves me.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Re: Blindsided and Devastated
Unfortunately people change their minds on this topic. People go in saying one thingg because they are in love and then when the years go bye and the excitement is worn off...they have the doubt that comes creeping up.
BUT i also wonder if this is the perfect way out of a marriage he isnt happy in? Maybe he is using this as an excuse?
Also i know for certain, i wouldnt be married to a man that didnt want me!
I am so sorry but this seems like a deal breaker for your husband. There might be more to it then the kids flip-flop he's got going on. You all can try counseling but if he has made up his mind then he might just be going through the motions.
I'm very sorry & we are here if you need us.
I agree with you. However, people grow & change sometimes. There is probably something else going on that will come out in counseling.
He could be having a mid-life crisis or fallen out of love. He could have realized exactly how much procreation meant to him.
I don't understand it either & if I were in your shoes I would be asking the same things. The only person that can give you any insight is your husband though.
For a lot of people the vows are just words. There are some that write checks with their mouths that they can't or won't cash with their rears.
Unfortunately, people do change their mind about having a family.
We see it happen quite frequently on this board. Either the H or the wife decides one way or another and the decision is in conflict with what the spouse wants.
That he sprung this on you out of the blue makes me wonder. All of a sudden he decides he wants to be a father? What's going on is what I'd be asking.
What you need to do:
Let him cool off for a bit then sit down with him and talk about this. And I agree with the PP: I for one would not want a guy who doesn't want me.
There is the option of adoption, fostering a child from your state's system and adopting an older child but if you ask me, what you've got is a volatile situation, not a harmonious one that would be great for a child.
If he still insists he wants a child and he insists there is no 2 ways about it, you do what's right for you. If this was me, I'd be prepared to go my separate way on this, if he still stands his ground regarding what he wants.
It's an awful situation for all involved.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Indeed this is awful. Sorry this happened to you. He's putting you over a barrel and this also sounds like emotional blackmail.
And can't he get it? You're 47 -- indeed if you were physically able to have a child, wow -- it is NOT easy to conceive at that age and you'd be in the high risk pregancy category because of that, I believe.
he's being very unreasonable.
this is why im thinking this is just an excuse to end it.
thanks everyone for your input.
I guess i don't get the "i changed my mind" on being married to you thing. He hasn't said that necessarily. But we're not dating. You don't get to change your mind when your married unless the other person has done something very wrong, which isn't the case. In my world, if you're not feelin' it right now....you keep truckin' and working on the marriage until you are feeling that love again. If two people start out desperately in love, I don't believe, unless one party has done something to hurt the other, that they just completely fall out of love forever. That initial love can return.
My previous marriage was 15 years and he was an ass. I finally left because it was becoming harmful for the kids. If I just went on a whim i wouldn't have made it through year one.
If he's so keen on being a dad, wow --- what about the 2 kiddoes that are living with you? Even if he isn't their dad biologically, he is a father figure to them. I cannot see how this would not suffice.:)
And there is also adoption and fostering kids that are in your state's system, If he really wants kids, why hasn't he encroached the topic of adoption or fostering to you?
you also mentioned your health isn't the greatest; if you are coping with a chronic illness, wow, things can be day to day, even when you are feeling your best; hasn't he taken this into account, also, in regard to being a new parent?
I agree with this. I'll wager there is more going on (much more?) and this is convenient.
But, even if he is telling the truth, you cannot predict those sorts of drives that can reveal themselves. Parenting a 19 and 22 year old is not the same experience as having a newborn, toddler, preschooler, etc. And if the OP is done with that part of her life, there lies the divide.
Yeah, this is what I think.
Your H is a pretty shiitty person to do this to you. I'm sorry.