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I can face the music -long
Last night I had a dinner with my MIL. It was productive and I came away with a lot of things to reflect upon and think about in terms of my own behavior. Now with saying that ... let me tell you what led up to last night's dinner. Never having a great relationship with my own family I put a lot of walls/boundaries up for protection. Not being a trusting soul by nature due to my family's ways, none the less was brought up to be honest. Honest with tact and honest with no tact at times. So I can and have faceed the music and am willing to change. In the months leading up to last night, I experienced a lot of negative behavior and even gave negative behavior - I'm no angel. I don't handle everything as my H's family would have or would like. I'm from the North and they are from the South. So there is a lot of losst of communication and understading.
In chatting with my MIL, I took the direct approach and thought it ended productive and horrible @ the same time. MIL said she understood a few of things that I was saying with regards to our upcoming baby. I tried to say that I understand the whole passing the family name down with respect, I would appreciate if due to my own upbringing that the first and middle name only be said when the child is being bad. Not to just say the first and middle name just because she would like to get the child's attention for non-bad related things. MIL has a habit of calling nephews by both first and middle names when they are playing and clearly focused (not being bad either) and she just wants attention from them. Yes, fully aware it's petty and stupid. So I'm not really going to fight it all the time, just wanted to let her know how I feel.
With that being said, I cut loose on the main anxiety that I have. MIL's niece is a spoiled brat who has no boundaries and has fits all the time. Normally, it's over stupid stuff or when her father (who is divorced from her mom) is not paying attention to her. Before being pregnant I didn't like this aspect and distanced myself with limited contact in terms of chatting with her. Now being pregnant I am even more so. I have been in family related situations where I have (and yes, avoided her) and made no steps towards chatting or recognizing her. Being 16 yrs old, she takes this hard and cries a river. Yeah I know better, but bring brought up to say nothing when one wants to and is negative is what I fall back on. (ie. If you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all) I am not a big fan nor do I wish to give her that impression that I am. I cannot even say that I'm civil. When she askes me questions, I reply back, but am not real excited too. I always seem to be on the receiving end of her tantrums so I avoid her like the plague. Before I found out that I was pregnant, she and I had a run-in over my dog. Which I put on the board a while ago for advice and other non-related things. She kicked my dog (not my MIL, but my MIL's neice). I was so done with her it was not funny. Very protective of my four-legged babies. Another source of pain for my MIL. Dogs are not children or even 4-legged children with a child on the way. There is just no room for that was her wording. I disagree.
My MIL took all this very hard even though I tried to explain that this is how I was feeling at the moment and maybe there would be a change in my feelings over time, I am not really wishing her to be around my baby. I expressed the way that I meant it too. No babysitting, holding, or even playing with my baby. I'm scared. If niece was having a "bad" day and kicked my dog after me telling her not too, has tantrums, what the freak would she do to my brand new baby. I'm also scared to death to deal with the baby too. Never really been around babies and am trying to find those maternal feelings that will give me confidence that I will be a good mom. My MIL had a fit over this and said that I was not to ever do such a thing and how dare I even think or have such feelings. This was her grandson and I'd better get over myself and stop putting up walls. Families do not do this sort of thing. My MIL went on and on, berating me on how I was a teenager too and probably screwed up in my day (which I have, freely admitted) and that I have no right to ban certain members of her family from her grandson in her house or to make her pick one over the other. I never said that it wanted her to pick either. Let me also mention, my MIL has only boys and when a girl comes into the family she is beyond words. She then went on to say that the first four years of me dating, engaged, and now married to her son, she found me RUDE. Rude because I would say how I was feeling @ the moment. She doesn't like this and I need to be more aware of who, what, and where I am at all times to avoid being rude. That her family have bent over backwards to accommodate me all the time and yet I am still rude to them all. When I asked when and why she didn't mention this to me so that I could take steps to stop or be more aware of how or what I say, she responded back that it was all water under the bridge and she doesn't want to make waves. She was not brought up that way. After all, the main thing is her son's happiness and she now understands it was how I was brought up.
I kept assuring my MIL that I would do my best to express this no-touching my baby in a way that would (if I could even think of a way) not continue to hurt this girls feelings and maybe my feelings would change. This would all not be done @ her (my MIL's) house and I do realize how important family is to my husband. That even if I don't come from a normal family, I do hope and am trying to make sure that baby will. MIL even said that she knows I am taking steps to bridge the gap between what my idea of family is to what they think family is, that I'm still RUDE and she will not hear any of this.
Okay, every situation that I can think of where I would have been considered RUDE comes to mind or had been rude not on purpose. Yes, I know that I don't handle every situation like H's family would like, but to refuse to tell me how, when, and where so that I can reflect and maybe change to not make that mistake again floors me. Not like I want to continue to be this way. But she won't tell me. I feel like I am stumbling in the dark with no map in hand to show me the way. And when I did ask for her to tell me when she thinks I'm being rude was crazy. "Why would I do that, I'm not your mom!" was her response. To which I told my H when I got home, if you tell me a story or family thing and then want my opinion, why say I'm rude when I say how I am feeling or what I think. Still not feeling better about the the whole niece thing either. Sure I was a kid, tossed a few tantrums myself (admitted it), said that I done with girl over dog situation, but do I have any rights here? How can I reflect and be a better person if one thinks I am being rude, refuses to tell me, and claims the whole family has been "tolerating me" all these years due to being brought up different. But that she is forgiving and forgetting due to how she was brought up. Guess I'm in the dark and maybe not so reflective and open to change as I think or try to be.
Re: I can face the music -long
You had dinner with your MIL to try to help your relationship
Your MIL and family all thinks you are rude in general, but can't give any examples other than you getting upset that her sociopath niece kicked your dog.
You don't want your MIL to use your unborn child's middle name unless they are doing something bad.
Above mentioned niece is not allowed to touch your child, ever.
After dinner, you are no better off than you were before dinner with your MIL.
Right?
For less then ten cents a day, you can feed a hungry child.
I agree.
Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
OK, you seem to be having a problem with two issues. One of them, not wanting your child around a very aggressive teenager who has kicked your dog in spite, I can certainly understand.
The other, not calling him by first and middle name, is very petty.
You need to think about what is important. You also need to work on communication skills. I have a feeling you handled this very poorly.
What does your husband say in all of this?
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
OK, I found it, I think. How do you learn how to not be rude? Is that it?
I suggest buying an etiquette book. And aging past 19 will help.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
Really? Because I think the MIL sounds manipulative and unreasonable. She didn't like a boundary the DIL was setting so she reacted with vague accusations designed only to hurt the OP and pressure her into doing whatever MIL wants, always, because she'll fear offending them if she ever speaks up. I think the op is fully reasonable to never want a violent, out of control person around their kid, ever. I would set the same boundary. She is never to be around my kid for any reason, and if you can't respect that, the child won't be in your care either.
Land of course the name thing is just stupid. Op, you're going to have to get over that.
I do think that bringing up a bunch of petty requests to someone that are obviously stupid sets them up at being defensive to anything you say. So yes, I feel like she handled it poorly. The issue of the niece should have been the sole topic of this issue.
Why did the niece kick your "four-legged baby"?
It's reasonable not to want a violent person around your child. So don't go over if the niece is there.
The rest makes you sound petty and rude. How hard is it to be polite to your ILs?
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
when I try to express myself it always backfires.
True.
My H says that I need to find a common ground. We need family to help raise our child and make our child's life complete. Totally understand that aspect. But as for the niece I'm to try and remember she is a 16yrs and is not fully developed due to her issues. H didn't say too much about his mom and I chatting other than he had a feeling it would turn out bad for me.
As for the name aspect, it's just something that bothered me and I'll have to deal with it quietly. Totally realize and understand that it's stupid and petty. I guess I just thought that she would understand that ... which she didn't. Again she took it as me slamming her family when that was so not my intention.
I'm just tired (mentally) of always being the blame within his family for things that go wrong and when I try and I mean I try ... it never works out. My intentions are good, but always viewed negatively by his family since I don't handle things their way. Which like with this situation is to just allow his niece to just have her way ... or with the friend's wife who has clearly told me for years that she desires my H more than I to just laugh it off. I cannot win for losing even with trying to get along with people. I don't mean it as a competition either.
We tell you every time you post, on every board where you post, that your husband is a dud and a half, and if he had your back even the tiniest bit, none of this would be an issue.
Did you ever get that paternity test for his "friend's" kid that looks like your husband and that she says is your husband's?
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
According to my MIL, she kicked the dog due to having a bad day because 1. The pageant she was in, the girls were not wearing expensive enough dresses and 2. She started her period.
I have been making sure that I ask or my H asks on whether or not niece will be there. I cannot avoid major holidays though.
I don't want to be rude that is not my intention. I offer to help out with dinner, setting the table, cleaning up, anything else that they need to do. I make every effort to not say anything when they are discussing family situations like they want to sell their house and my H and his brother are taking it hard. I didn't speak up once. When the niece's dad was having alcohol/drug issues, I offered assistance and $$, but no comment was made. I literally try my hardest not to offend anyone with opinions or comments about their lives, the lives of friends they discuss, etc. I don't even correct his nephews when they are running through the house (MIL's) and tearing things up. I don't demand the remote for special tv programs, make a big fuss over parties (if and when they pop up). I buy people what they want for Christmas, birthdays, remember cards, etc. Where I am being rude? I just want to know where I am being rude @ so that I can be aware and make the effort not to do such a thing again. I don't and have never confronted or started a major scene @ parties / holidays, etc. The only couple of things I can think of is that I told MIL that her friends' daughter was a narcissist attention whore who needed to f--k off and leave me and my H alone ... this of course was after 3 1/2 years of taking her verbal crap about how she is much better suited for my H than I was and tried to pass off her daughter as my H's daughter. Their families are tight and spend holidays together sometimes. This one issue, I would not back down on still won't. The other issue is that I won't let H's nephews have no consequences when they try and break my antiques, eat us out of house and home, or ride in my car due to thinking it's cool to kick the back of the seat while driving, get out of their seat belts (dangerous), and treat me like maid by in general destroying a house I just cleaned. I take breaks from the family when on vacation with them. I'm sure that is considered rude as well. I don't know they won't tell me.
The niece just walked up and kicked the dog?
There's someone at your Easter celebration that said her child looks like your H.
She explained in a diff post that the woman said the kid WAS his in response to jokes about the child looking like her H (including jokes from the kids actual dad).