Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
new husband on son's case
Hello, this is my first Nest post since I just got married on 11/11/11. My husband and I have been together for over nine years, but since I have four kids and we both own our houses, we haven't lived together. Still don't, thanks to the fabulous real estate market! My kids are 19, 18, 14 and 12. He is like a father to the 12-year-old since her father is out of the picture and the other three kids are involved with their dad and spend weekends with him. He has made a lot of overtures to the older kids over the years, but I think they feel their primary loyalty is to their dad so they have never been as close with my husband. Anyway, the oldest (a son) is the only one out of high school, and while I really really wish he would go to college he is instead working full time at a small computer company doing tech support. He is a good kid, pays for his gadgets and his car, helpful, respectful around the house. I have told him I think it's time for him to consider getting an apartment and he talks about it but no real action that I have seen. He is supposed to pay me $200/month in rent but is frequently late with it. This is frustrating to me, but what really gets me is that my husband harps on it every time we talk (lots of phone calls during the week since we only get to spend weekends together, at his house.) Hubby is FULL of not-so-gentle suggestions on what I should say to my DS, punishments I should enact, etc., and he goes on and on and on about it until I want to scream. I feel that since DS is a member of my household, not my DH's, weird though that is to say, how I deal with my kids is my business. He now insists that because we're married it affects him too, which I suppose I can see, but the constant badgering has me feeling in the middle and I hate it. I can understand him voicing his opinion, but he is on it four or five times a day and it's to where I don't even want to answer the phone half the time. Help!!!! BTW, we maintain our own households.
Re: new husband on son's case
I'm dumbfounded.
As a pp asked, why did you get merried?
Your H may be *only* a stepfather but he is 1- an authority figure and 2- a father figure, to you kids, the same as you'd be step parent and a mother figure.
Your son may be having tween/adolescent rebellion but he's to respect and obey the BOTH of you, no questions askied.
And yes, this affects your H also.
Parenting classes, stat -- and i see that neither you nor he discussed parenting before you were wed. If you did, it's all for naught.
Your husband needs to stay out of it.
You need to grow a backbone.
Your son is 19 adult and working for a paycheck. He needs to pay rent on time. Set a due date for rent and if he is late, charge him 10% for every day over. Yes, $20 a day as a penalty. If he doesn't like the rules, he can move out and get an apartment with a roommate.
Your husband needs to butt out. Your son is not a child and your husband will not be filling the role of step-father. Your son has a father who is involved in his life. When your husband starts in on the topic, tell him that you are handling it and you don't wish to discuss it further. If he persists, you need to end the conversation.
Come up with a game plan with your son for him finding an apartment (if that is what you want.) If you want him to stay and not pay you-than no game plan needed. The money is not going to start rolling in----so count that out of picture.
Relay to your DH how you are handling it and let DH know that how you are going forward is not up for discussion. Follow through with whatever game plan you and your son come up with. Do not allow yourself to be a sounding board for DH's vision of how the situation is to be handled.
I completely disagree. A stepfather does not mean an immediate father figure nor does her 19yr old have to obey this guy. Seriously? He's 19 and they don't even live in the same house. Also, it sounds like he already has a pretty decent relationship with his own father.
OP - your situation is definitely odd. Due to the arrangements and the fact that you and our H manage your own households I would stop talking to him about it, unless the living situation changes. I agree with whoever said that your H does not have the right to parent you or your 19yr old.
For the fact that you don't live in the same house and you maintain your own homes.... eh, being married doesn't now suddenly change things where your DH needs to be on your case about your son. If he was living in the house- different story. But he isn't. Your son is 19. He has never lived in the same house and you've been together 9 years - your DH is NOT an authority figure/ father figure in your son's life. Really- he's a glorified boyfriend right now.
That being said - what do YOU want? Do YOU want your son to get his own place? Then start making steps to make it happen.
Honestly, you're doing your son no favors by letting him get away w/ not paying his $200 rent on time. That's NOTHING, and if he can't handle that- he's going to be in for a big shock when he does eventually move out.
I do think you need to stop enabling him and start teaching him how the real world works.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Personally, I don't think a parent should ever charge their kids rent
and you and your husband do need to make joint decisions together....and one of them should be that you'll do the parenting
I'll add too- if your son gets wind of this, I can bet you that it will only strain whatever relationship your DH and DS already have. Your son is an ADULT legally, he's never been close to your DH. Your DH takes being married to mean that now, BOOM, suddenly after 9 years, he has a say in your DS's life....
Yeah. I see your DS being REALLY resentful of this.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
My husband's mother got married to her 2nd husband when my husband was 19. I guarantee you my husbands step-father NEVER tried to parent my husband.
What do you want out of this marriage?
Are YOU upset about your son being late on the rent?
This!
Yes your DH needs to stay out of it. He can can give you ideas to help, but to badger you daily, no. Your son has a mother and father.
What if you take the $200 a month that you get from your son and put it in a savings? 6-9 months from now he's got a deposit for a new apartment and some leftover for furniture or whatever...Give him the motivation to move out.
Am I the only one who thinks its weird that this couple has been together since the oldest child was 9 years old and this is the situation, including the bad relationship with stepdad and no one living together?
Mot touching this one. All kinds of problems here.
If you don't live with your H and he isn't a Dad to the 19 year old then frankly what gives him the right to tell you how to run your household?
I do think you need to make your son more responsible with paying on time. This is a life lesson before he hits the real world, a landlord isn't going to coddle him.
I bet there is a big reason you don't want to live with that man and it has nothing to do with the economy. He is probably a controlling person and you knew this and kept your distance. Stand up for your son and yourself before you even consider living under one roof with that guy!
I'd be upset if my son were buying "his own gadgets" but not paying the rent on time!
When your "kids" are 19, you really can't punish them anymore. You get to let them live with the consequences of their actions - like telling them to move out. But that's a choice that YOU need to make. Yes, they are still your children (not your dh's!), but they are adults and need to be treated like adults. That includes expecting them to contribute to the house, whether it is financially, or by helping out, etc.
Does your H support you financially? If not, it's really none of his business how you run your house, whether you are married or not. And since you are "partners," he doesn't get to TELL you how to parent your own (adult) child. He tells you he gets a say, you tell him he doesn't, and you refuse to listen to him. End of story.
If you have been complaining about your son, zip your lip around your husband. B*tch to a friend or co-worker.
It's not hard to understand why your H is so frustrated with the situation but it's your responsibility as a parent to ensure you do not have a 40 year old son living in your home and paying $200 monthly for rent.
Personally, I would sooner save the money for him as a security deposit for an apartment and help him transition into one. Your son is not going to be motivated to move if you continue to allow him to be comfortable.
Also, your H shouldn't tell you what he wants your son to do; you two should have a conversation for what that home situation should look like and go from there. The decision should be as a couple rather than the ramblings of two kinda-agreeing people.
I know about two couples in your living situation and they don't seem rock solid about parenting either; it's hard for kids to accept an absent figure.
Good luck to you and I hope you and your H come to a solution about what's best for your oldest.
BULL
With the possible exception of the 12 year old, your childrem are too old to accept anyone new as a parent. Step father or not. It's not normal adolescent rebellion, it's real life. I had two stepmothers and I can imagine accepting either one of them as a parent figure.
Parenting classes wond do a damn thin at their ages.
OP, I wish you luck. Discipline your kids but don't drag your new husband into it. They are not children nor are they HIS children.
Honestly, I can sorta see where the DH is coming from. I would want a clear and concise plan in place before I moved in and conjoined my finances with a woman who is allowing an adult to mooch off of her.
I am seriously doubting that this isn't the first conversation the OP and DH have had, but once they became officially married, it has now become more of a necessity. You know, since the whole point of marriage is living together. (****her situation with her son is probably why he isn't living there to begin with****)
Hell, there could be legal issues for the DH, once he actually moves in.
So, forgive me if I do not take OPs word at face value.
Tell your H to butt out and deal with your son yourself. I do think you need to take a harder stance on the rent money or just tell your son it's not working and he needs to move out, but letting your H dictate these things is just going to hurt your relationship with your children, as well as destroying any relationship they might have with him as they become aware of it.
Also, why are you guys living apart? The logistics of this situation don't seem so hard to overcome, so is there another reason?
July 3rd, 2012 ~ Hang in there sweetheart, we can't wait to meet you!
This whole story is weird.
You marry after 9 years but don't live together. I get that the housing market sucks, but there are alternatives- renting one of the homes or even shutting one down while living in the other- energy costs could be reduced significantly with lights off and the heat set to 55F. If you're paying for phone, cable, trash collection it would be cheaper to occupiy one building.
I mean, why bother with the wedding? Did someone need insurance coverage or a green card or were you just compelled to go for the memorable anniversay date? Why mention it otherwise?
Parenting an adult child requires a different approach than dealing with younger kids. I have a young adult son at home; most of my friends are parenting kids under 30. The only kids I know who are truly indpendent of their parents under the age of 22 are those in the military who have traded parents for Uncle Sam. IMHO, your husbands expectations are unreasonable to the point of delusional. To say nothing of being mean spirited. What opinion does your husband have regarding your 18 year old? Is this child to be jettisoned as well?
That said, you have a responsibility to expect behavior comensurate with his age which means you collect your $200 board before he pays for non-essentials unless you have made an arrangement where is is responsible for his sibs in your absence. It's great that he helps out around the house as well but you're missing a valuable opportunity to teach responsible money management allowing him to spend like a tween.
This whole tale is fishy.
Your new H needs to keep his mouth shut--your parenting of your children is absolutely none of his business. It does NOT concern him in any way. Just because he married you, doesn't give him the right to have a say in their lives.
Do yourself a favor and get an annulment if he continues to pursue this.
I think your husband is right, as your son is taking advantage of you. He is a legal adult and he needs to start acting like one. Letting your son live there basially rent-free is not helping him grow up and learn to live independently. However, even though your husband is right, it doesn't mean he needs to badger you about it. I think he is bugging you about it because it bothers him to see you let your child taking advantage of your generosity.
I agree with the others that say your husband may eventually be a father figure with all your kids, but he isn't one now. He needs to back off on them. When you finally are able to combine households, the kids might start to see him that way. Either way, you both need to sit down (preferably a counselor) and discuss the roles of stepparents.
As far as your marriage and living arrangement, it seems pretty weird to me.
Sounds pretty simple to me...first, you and your DH need to live together and work together and talk more often (not on the phone). Rent your or his house and just move in together already. You guys are having trouble communicating on this b/c you're not going to agree since you don't think he has a say and he wants a say. Instead focus on a compromise or better communication.
Second, a 19 yr old son who isn't in college should not be living at home and paying sporadic rent. He is an adult and should be treated with a little tough love - that's for you to realize, your DH shouldn't be the "bad guy" kicking out your son, you should be the one to send him off on his own.
Are you united with the CCOKCs?
I also don't understand why you aren't living together. I get that maybe you can't sell your houses right now, but you could at least live in the same one. But that is your business.
I don't think that your H has any right to try to parent your 19 year old, because he is an adult, and therefore he needs to stay out of if. If your son doesn't see the man as a father figure after many years of dating, it is certainly not going to happen now just because you got married.
However, I do think you need to be a little more proactive regarding your son. It is one thing if he were in school and living at home, or, as happens so many times in this economy, if he had lost his job or something of that nature. But in your case, he is gainfully employed and shows no sign of wanting to go off on his own. This is concerning, and I think you are going to have to have take a hard line on this if you want him to move out.
This is what I was thinking. This is YOUR son, not his. IT's really up to you how to parent him.