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Does anyone else have an FIL like this? (long)
Hi all, I'm new to this board, and I'm curious about something. I know a lot of people have IL trouble, but I wonder how many of have experienced something like the following:
I've always thought I had a good relationship with my IL's. My MIL and FIL live 30 min away, and are both warm, loving, and welcoming. From the start they always made me feel like they were happy to have me in the family.
Having said that, I've never really connected on any deep level with my FIL. DOn't get me wrong, I know he's a good man who'll do anything for his family, and i appreciate the good things about him--but if he's not exactly the kind of person I'd choose for a friend, if you know what I mean. We don't have much in common, I don't find him to be a great listener (he talks AT you, rather than with you), and he's extremely sensitive, which means I sometimes feel like I'm walking on egg shells around him. (He's not the type of guy who'll yell at you, but he'll get mad and then sulk for days without telling you why he's upset).
Anyway, last summer, FIL retired. He now has a lot of extra time on his hands. I'm a teacher, which means I was off for the summer (although I still worked odd jobs to make extra money). FIL said, repeatedly, that he wanted to have lunch with me over the summer. I had never had lunch or spent time with just him, but I thought, "Well, why not?" We got together for lunch in July, and had a decent time. At the the end of the day, he said he wanted to have lunch with me AGAIN before I went back to work. I thought this was a bit strange...I had plenty of stuff to do that summer, and it seemed like FIL wanted to hang out with me more often than I see some of my actual friends. We didn't end up getting together again, and then I got even busier when I went back to work. We ended up going out for lunch again in early November (with my DH along, too). So that was like, one lunch every four months. And I thought that was more than enough. In the last month or so, FIL started saying again that he wanted to get together for lunch with me. I've been busy (I work part-time as a teacher, but I work a couple of extra jobs to bring in more money, and I recently became pregnant and wasn't feeling well in the first trimester) so I just kept putting him off, figuring I'd get around to having lunch with him again at some point.
ANyway, MIL confided in me today that FIL is actually very hurt that I kept "ignoring" his lunch invites. I was honestly surprised by that. I had no idea it was so important to him. Honestly, I thought he just had a lot of free time now and was looking for something to do, but apparently, he really wants to spend more time with just ME get to know me better. Plus, BIL's serious girlfriend apparently has lunch with him like once a month (she's currently unemployed and has no family in the area) so I'm apparently starting to look very bad by comparison.
I feel bad that I've cause my FIL to feel hurt, but at the same time, I find this kind of weird. I figured the lunch could be just a once or twice a year thing, but now it seems like he'll be hurt if we don't hang out on a regular basis. I feel no need to see my FIL that much; as far as I know, none of my married friends have one-on-one lunches with just their FIL's, and my DH certainly doesn't ever take MY mom out to lunch, nor would I ever expect him too. Besides, as I said before, I don't feel like I have anything in common with FIL, and, cruel as this may sound, I really don't WANT the kind of relationship where we hang out just the two of us all the time. Honestly, I have my own parents close by as well, and I have a great relationship with them, so I really don't have a void in my life where a father figure is concerned. Maybe if I did, I'd feel differently. On top of all that, DH and I usually see his parents a few times a month (we go to their place, or invite them over here), so it's not like we're neglecting them. It's just that I don't see the need for one-on-one time with FIL.
Anyway, I really don't want to cause pain in the family, or make things uncomfortable for DH, so I don't think I can say any of the above to FIL. Instead, I'm going to try to compromise on this, and see my FIL more than I would have, although probably STILL not as much as he'd like (let's say, lunch every OTHER month, as opposed to every month). Plus, this summer there'll be a baby in the mix, and I have no problem bringing the baby to see his/her grandfather regularly. I'm kind of hoping the baby will change the whole dynamic of this situation.
Anyway, what do you all think? I'm I being unfair and unreasonable? Or does this situation strike you as a little bit odd?
Re: Does anyone else have an FIL like this? (long)
I think you're trying your best and doing what you're comfortable with. It's nice he wants to get closer with you but he needs to respect your space also. I'm very close with my parents and they live nearby but I don't think they've ever called to just eat lunch with my H. What does your H say?
To be honest, my FIL is one of the only people I would NOT want to eat lunch with alone, lol. You're doing better than me, but mine lives a couple of plane rides away...
Like me, my H only just found out how important this was to his father recently (today, actually) so he hasn't had much time to think about how he feels. For the time being, he's basically said that he doesn't think it's unreasonable that I wouldn't want to see his dad that much, but that I should make more of an effort if it means that much to the IL's. It's a tough situation, because I'm sure DH doesn't want to hear that I just plain don't enjoy spending time alone with his dad...and I don't blame him for that...
My IL's USED to live a few plane rides away from us...things were SO much easier then, lol.
I'm thinking, that especially w/a baby coming (and your ILs probably expected a baby at some point), that your FIL might want to build a better relationship with you so that he can have a relationship w/his grandbaby w/o to much awkwardness.
It's not OPs responsibility to fill her FILs newly acquired free time, especially if he's someone she doesn't really enjoy spending time with. My FIL is a pain.in.the.ass, I would never do one on one outings with him. I think if the situation was reversed she would not turn to her FIL to spend more time with. Not spending extra, alone time with someone you don't really enjoy does not make you snotty or self-centered, it makes you normal.
FTR, my MIL is an angel, I could spend weeks with her alone, lol.
I thought it was nice that he'd like to spend time with you but now that he's getting all pissy about it I've changed my mind. In my family that would not fly. H could spend more time with his father but I certainly wouldn't go out of my way to find time for a man that was so passive agressive.
First of all, don't worry about what BILs girlfriend does. She has no job (so a lot of free time) and she's still in the stage where she's trying to make friends with her boyfriends parents. You are not the same. Don't compare yourself and don't allow yourself to be compared.
I would tell them that your work hours stretch into lunchtime, or that you tutor or something similar. That way you avoid hurt feelings but make it clear that you are unavailable.
Some of dh's family I would not mind seeing without him, but I cannot imagine seeing any of them on a "regular" schedule without dh. It's just too wierd. I think your FILs expections are totally out of line. While it may be sweet that a FIL wants to enjoy lunch with his DIL, it's no longer sweet when it is a demand on your time.
Honestly I WISH my FIL was like this. I've been married over four and a half years now and my FIL is the most inappropriate and rude person out there. He thinks he can buy love with expensive gifts and money. He's only come to visit us twice since we moved (which was almost five years ago). When he does come to visit or we are visiting him, he doesn't speak to me. Every conversation is directed directly to DH.
I don't see what is wrong with having lunch with your FIL. I think you are really over thinking everything. You don't have to get together with him on a weekly basis, but I don't think once a month would hurt. If finding time is an issue, then try to make time from him every two or three months.
You sound like a really sweet person and your FIL needs a hobby, stat.
I disagree with your h, in that you were making an effort but it wasn't "enough" for FIL. and that's not fair to you. Is there a way for your h to talk to his dad? Ask him why he wants to hang out with you so much that his feelings are hurt?
Ive been with my husband for almost 12 years, I can count on one hand how many times we've gone to lunch without DH.
Eta: I reallllly disagree with everyone who states "suck it up and have lunch" why should you be forced to hang out with someone you don't care that much for AND pouts when he doesn't get exactly what he wants when he wants it. Weird.
So let me get this straight, your FIL asked you out to lunch, you had a decent time and, following that the time was decent on both ends, asked you out to lunch again ...OH THE HORRORS!
I would have given you more support, but the comment about your friends makes you seem petty.
Do I think you need to have a regular playdate, no. But throwing your husband's father a friendly bone every other month or so won't kill you. Hell, I actively dislike my MIL, but as long as she is polite I will do one on one things with her...just like my DH will take one for the team and put up with my sister.
To help create family harmony
How is he getting pissy? He confided in his wife, that his feelings were hurt. The same way the OP confided in her husband, that she is uncomfortable.
By your view, we would never be allowed to talk about our feelings with our partners? Or is it just about our INLAWS?
I'm w Ilumine as far as the bit about your friends goes. He wants to do lunch TWO times and you make it into something about your friends?
Past that, though, he can't force you to be close and if you don't want to go out, you don't have to. I'd just tell MIL that you didn't mean to hurt him but you're just really busy and simply can't commit to frequent lunches with him.
But, that being said, maybe you could reach out to him occasionally. It might appease him if you ask him out.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think it's okay that you don't want to have lunch with the guy and I think it's okay that he got hurt about it. You have rebuffed several invitations and he noticed. He's allowed to notice and have feelings about it. Again, it was okay that you declined and/or got too busy to meet him. It was crappy that his wife went tattling to you like you did something wrong - you didn't. That's the real source of the hard feelings.
Honestly, it's rather nice that he's making an effort to get to know you. It's lunch, it's not that big of a deal. He's got time on his hands and he wants to get to know you as a person in your own right, not just as 'his son's wife' or 'his granchild's mother'. If it really makes you uncomfortable, don't do it. But it may be a wasted opportunity to get to know a member of your family who wants to get to know you. He doesn't have to be some replacement father figure, to have a sandwich and ask about your day and share his. At the very least you could just go along when the othe other GF meets him (on your time table of every other month). That may be less odd for you. "Hi FIL, MIL mentioned that you had lunch with GF last week, I'd love to go with you guys next time, if I'm welcome."
Otherwsie, skip it and take the lumps that he notices.
I'll allow that I may be reading too much into it but it seems like a lot of drama in that family simply because their DIL has a busy life. It sounds like she's working more than one job and has many commitments. I didn't say anything about being allowed to talk about feelings. Just that all the drama sounds suspiciously like someone who leans toward the passive agressive.
Ditto this part.
If someone said something like what your MIL said to me, I'd just reply "oh, I'm disappointed, too, it's too bad that I am so busy....."
You're under no obligation to "hang out" with FIL when you have other friends. I would talk to your husband about getting your FIL involved in some type of activity where he can remain social with peers - maybe a mentoring group for business, a senior center, a hobby group, etc.
My FIL also has loads of free time and often stops by to see if my husband needs a hand with anything around the house. Very thoughtful yes, but it gets old almost every weekend. My MIL also tags along since she does not work, and just sits in my living room waiting for FIL, despite my attempts to watch a movie or talk or have a glass of wine. It's very odd. I feel awkward as I run by with laundry or am cleaning. But she just sits and says, don't worry about me. Just go on with yuor day.
My FIL also feels that since he helped my husband build the house he can do whatever he wants in our home. Menaing comeand go as he pleases. We are a shoe free home and it kills me that he parades in wearing his shoes! grrrr. Husband has mentioned to him several times how we feel, but he is old school and feels no one can tell him what to do.
Honestly- not worth a war over the shoes. So I grin and bear it and share it here. haha
I don't know. It really doesn't seem like that big a deal to spend an hour with your in law once a month or every other month. It's obviously very important to him. And really, with a baby on the way, why wouldn't you want to try to find some common ground with the inlaws? The baby will change the family dynamics.
I personally felt completely different toward my MIL once my son was born. All of a sudden I "got it". She loves my husband the way I love my son. No wonder she wants to be involved in his life. Part of that involvement is having a relationship with me. I used to avoid her at all costs and after being trapped alone with her in a car for 4 hours, we actually realized we have a lot in common and enjoy one another's company.
If he lives nearby and you're having a child, you may as well get used to him being around. Your child deserves that relationship and maybe you'll find that you actually do like him more than you think.