Sex & Romance
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Fiance never wants to have sex..
Its really starting to bother me, and almost making me re-think getting married to him. He wants to have sex about once every two weeks and I cannot stand it. I have a very high sex drive. We have talked about this he says maybe he low testosterone or something.. I know he is attracted to me, and I just don't get it. I even try to do things I know he thinks are sexy like walk around the house in boyshort underwear and such.. ugh its driving me crazy. Right now it has been ten days. AH!
Re: Fiance never wants to have sex..
Whoa, once every 2 weeks does not constitute a definition of "never wants to have sex." I'd say that's probably about average -- you and he are probably together for awhile --- that is normal.
Passion waxes and wanes; passion also levels off; the longer you and he have been together, the less the frequency of sex there will be.
How long have you been together?
That said, again....
You need to COMMUNICATE with him.
Have you told him that you wish to have more sex with him? You said you've spoken to him before -- I suggest you have another talk with him.
If you have not, verbalize to him what you want. He's not a mind reader. He won't know what you want if you don't talk to him about what you want.
He also owes it to you to work on this with you. Once a week would be great.
10 days, really, and you're whining over that...good grief.
AGAIN...COMMUNICATE.
Ditto Motzie; this will not get better with marriage. You'll just be legally tied to a man who wants to have sex only once every two weeks.
If this is just the way he is, you're going to have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you.
How often do you initiate?? If never then maybe you need to start trying more...if thats not the case then:
Has he been more stressed at work or in other areas of his life lately? I know that at one point before we got married something similar happened to us, only it was less frequent because I was gone for work a lot at the time, and when we sat down to figure out what the issue was it really came down to work stress. He had just gotten a new job that was not good with very poor management, we had just moved in to our new place and I was never home to help organize, training for our first half marathon and we were planning and saving for the wedding. Some peoples sex drive suffers when life gets too overwhelming so maybe rather then rethinking marriage sit down first by yourself and look at what has been going on in life (any big changes) and then sit down and talk to him from an open minded point that wont make him feel like he needs to defend himself. He may not even realize how much stress is effecting him and just because he doesn't tell you about work stress doesn't mean it isn't there.
I'm sorry to hear this...I don't think I would be too thrilled with once every two weeks either. How long have you two been together, and has it always been like this or is this a recent development? Tarpon hit it right on the dot... you need to communicate and make sure you are both on the same page. Is he as bothered by this as you are? Does he masterbate? The first PP's suggestion of him seeing a doctor is a good idea. If it is hormonal, hopefully he can take medicine to fix the problem. Do you guys have crazy schedules? One of the reasons that H and I sometimes have problems with sex is because he works at a movie theater and sometimes he works into the wee hours of the morning, so he doesn't always have enough energy for sex. But it is a very important part of marriage, and you should get this fixed before you walk down the aisle. The most important thing is to make sure he knows how upset you are by this.
Good luck and congrats on your engagement!
This was my first thought. You are right to question the marriage because sex is really important in a relationship. I would talk with him and tell him how you feel, have him get checked out by a doctor, and maybe try to spice up your sex life a little to see if you can get him "recharged".
This is not normal for men.
Wedding the sex was about the same, once every 2 weeks, if that. I had a talk with him and he was honest, he was stressed about the wedding and his new job. What I find funny is when I'm stressed my sex drive goes into overdrive but when he's stressed it's the last thing on his mind. We worked out a comprimise and since the Wedding things have changed for the better, there is less stress all around!!
You should be a licensed sex therapist. Seriously!
I know exactly how you're feeling. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half now and around the 5 month mark he just stopped wanting to have sex often. We've fought over this and it's something that makes me really frustrated and even self conscious sometimes. Like everyone's saying the best thing to do is to talk to him about it because it's something important and if it's making you question your marriage to him, you need to get it figured out before it's too late.
My boyfriend said the reason we aren't intimate sometimes is because of the amount of stress he has with school and money so you're finance might be going though the same thing.
Hope the best for you and your finance!
I totally know where you are coming from. We're getting married in a little over a month. And for the past 10mo we've probable had sex 5 times. Five times! Its so frustrating. I get attention from every guy in the county EXCEPT from my own fiance. And its gotten to the point that is makes me second guess the marriage.
I just don't get it. I thought guys were supposed to have this huge sex drive and that sex was all they thought about. But like a previous poster mentioned, stress apparently makes a big difference for them. My fiance had a giant certification and 12hr test that he's been working on for the past 9mo.
He just finished the test and things have gotten a little better, but now its a self-esteem issue. He hasn't had time to work our because of all the studying and now he thinks he's fat and it doesn't matter how many times I tell him he's not!
He promises the amount of sex will increase. But based on the track record...there is always something in life creating stress and people always have issues with their weight
Grrr...what's a woman to do?
Wow! I think if we don't do it in 2 days I get worried lol and we've been together 3 years! We hit a rough patch over a year ago but I blame that on the stupid breast cancer and going through all the treatments, I definitely wasn't myself going through that but we never went more than 4 days without sex.
I definitely think you really need to communicate and find the root of the problem. I know one thing my Hubby has said he loves when I initiate, men love to be desired too even if it's once in awhile. Surprise him with some foreplay... he won't be turning you down!
This is a tough one. Sexual compatibility is relationship glue. Without your needs being met, you will be a very unhappy wife. Dan savage is an awesome sex columnist and often talks about sexual compatibility. I noticed that a lot of the comments above were very sex negative. Don't listen to them. If 10 days is too long for you than that's a problem. It might not be too long for other people but they're not the ones who are going to have to live with sexual dissatisfaction for the rest of their lives. Without sex many people begin to feel unsexy, have poor self esteem and irritability and undue anger towards their spouse. You need to address this now! Yesterday was too late! Start exploring what you and him need. If he can't do more than 2 x per month and you dont want to leave him, you may want to explore open relationships as an option. A good book to read on the subject is The Ethical Slut
Good luck.
First, I'd just like to say that the way you feel about this is completely natural and don't let anyone convince you that you don't have the right to feel disappointed. I don't know what that one person was saying about "good grief" that it's "only been 10 days"...cause I know if that were me I'd be going crazy too! If that's what works for them, all the power to them, but it almost sounds like she's jealous that her sex life is less than that. It's what feels right for the two of you which counts.
Like many others have said, finding a balance that works for both of you is a must, and there can be many contributing factors, especially any stress from work or school and finances. One thing that came to mind is age. I have no idea how old the two of you are, but men and women reach their sexual peaks at different times. For men it's in their earlier 20s and for women it's in our early 30s. Especially if you're 30-something now and were in your earlier 20s when you started dating, you're probably used to his younger sex drive which not only made you accustomed to more frequent sex back then, but now that your sex drive has peaked, you expect him to have the same libido. Or if you have a significant age gap, that could benefit you if you're a few years older than him, or could have a somewhat negative affect if he's much older than you.
Another thought is the potential of any substance use. I'm not trying to make you suspicious or worried, but even small amounts of alcohol use and/or drugs can effect this. I don't suggest jumping to any conclusions by any means, I just know from past experience that even smoking a joint now and again can reduce the frequency because it's a depressant and quite honestly...can make people lazy and just not care as much or be as interested. And while alcohol can help set the mood at times, it can also do the opposite for some people.
Also, I'd like to elaborate on another member's brief suggestion that masturbation could be a factor. If it is, consider taking some sexy photos of yourself, or making a personal XXX movie for him - either by yourself or of the two of you together. Not only is the making of the pics/film fun to do, but you can give this to him to view during his time alone. That way you're still involved in his masturbation and since he'll be thinking about you while doing it, chances are that it will make him want the real thing!
Something else to consider is the evolution of a person's desires. I think it's great that you know he likes you walking around in boyshorts, etc. but often change and the feeling that something is new is the key to keeping things spicy. Over time people usually have at least a couple minor changes in what turns them on, and sometimes people feel uncomfortable suggesting new things to their partners, especially if they're interested in unconventional and non-traditional sexual acts. Try your best to make sure you both feel free to express what it is you're into now, what you were interested in the past but no longer are, and what you might be willing to consider in the future. If you set an open ground which you agree to be totally honest about and not judge each other, chances are you'll discover at least a few new things to spice up the bedroom, and in turn make him more interested more often. Remember that this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, and communication is important no matter what the subject is. But when it comes to sex, you both need to do what you can to be open and honest, because if you can't be open with each other about your sex life, who can you really talk to?! (And yes, lots of us enjoy some bedroom discussion with our girlfriends, and on posts like these, but speaking with the prime subject is key!) One way that could make this simpler is to go to a sex shop together and just browse the different items. Whether you both go through the store together, or each start at a different side of the store and grab a few toys/games/movies, etc. to show each other after you've each looked around, then you can mutually show each other what you're curious to try. This can be an especially great thing to do if verbal communication isn't your strong suit.
Initiation is also important, as previously mentioned by another poster. Just like women need to feel desired, so do men. And if neither of you are natural initiators, try setting aside a weekly date night where you make the commitment to each other to have that special time set aside always as priority, when everything else has to wait. It doesn't necessarily have to be a traditional date night out, it can be as simple and fun as staying in and playing some games with a dirty twist...even if it's unexpected and you suggest making it more interesting with a sexy bet for the winner. I find this works really well because my fiance, like many men, are competitive in nature. So by placing a bet...say the winner gets some oral pleasure, hopefully this will give him added motivation, as well as more quality time just the two of you. Add a glass of wine to help shed any inhibitions and these nights have made up many of my favourite nights with the man!
I also strongly suggest you consider and discuss the different ways that people express and receive love. I haven't read the book on it, but I know that it goes into detail about the 5 different "love languages" which people relate to and affect how we show and feel love. They are: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. When two people in a relationship speak different love languages, it's common for them to feel like something is missing because we all want to receive love in that way that we express it to others. It's possible that physical touch is your primary love language, while another one could be his. This could explain beyond just a primal sense how sex makes you feel loved and how you like to show your love for him, which may be making you feel disconnected and be the reason why you are reconsidering the relationship. One great thing about physical touch as your language is that it doesn't only apply to sexual touch. It can be as simple as cuddling more on the couch, holding hands, non-erotic massage (although this can also be a nice way to lead into something more), or giving an unexpected kiss as you walk by him at home. By increasing other types of physical touch this may make you feel more loved and satisfied with you relationship. Try to figure out which languages you each relate most to and figure out how you can use this knowledge to make each other feel more loved in the ways that relate to you.
Lastly, the more often people have sex, the more often they want it! Try to keep this in mind to keep your hopes up because if you're able to even just increase the frequency bit by bit, it should be on his mind more often. Personally, I find that if my fiance and are in a bit of a slump, once we make an effort to do even something little out of the ordinary, like do it in the shower instead of in bed, or even just during a different time of day than at night before we go to sleep, it rekindles things for us. After doing something slightly different, it's like we both remember how much fun it really is and suddenly we're back in the sack every day!
Sorry, I know I tend to ramble on in writing, but hopefully this helps!