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I feel like my life is falling apart.
My divorce is progressing smoothly, I suppose. My STBX and I are getting along better than we ever have. We are not arguing. We are very civil in matters relating to the kids. Everything on that front is going well. Actually, it's making me very sad that we are getting along so well - almost making me question the divorce altogether, like I'm making a mistake. I know I wasn't happy with STBX, but I wonder if I really, truly, tried everything I could before ending it. We had good times together, and I keep focussing on how good it felt to have him in my life when we shared those good times. It's very depressing. Towards the end, he was abusive and unfaithful.....but I know couples that work through problems like that. Why couldn't I? Did I make a mistake?
And my mom hasn't talked to me in over a week. She is treating me like a child, I put my foot down, and she doesn't like it. Basically, she found out that I was asked out on a date (which I turned down), she thinks I'm lying about everything, and won't talk to me. Her argument is, "It's inappropriate to be dating, you need to be alone for a very long time, I can't believe your even talking to men, etc." I guess I can't even have male friends right now?
One night two weeks ago she tried to reach me at home, but I was out with a friend. She called my cell phone, and I didn't answer because I knew I would get the third degree from her (what are you doing, who are you with, where are the kids, etc.). So, she started texting me asking those very questions. I called her and simply said, "Is there something you need? Can I talk to you tomorrow?" The next day she flipped out. She said, "I know you were with a man last night! I know you're lying to me!"
Of course I try to talk to her about things that I'm going through, but she has to constantly throw in these fabulous lines - "This is my wedding year (yes, wedding "year") my fiance and I are looking at homes together, we are very busy / planning a wedding takes up a lot of my time, etc." She knows I'm going through a very difficult time, but I guess she is getting her kicks by throwing her wedding in my face.
OH, and any time my Mom cannot reach me at home or on my cell phone, she will call my neighbor and ask if my car is in the driveway. If it is, she will ask my neighbor to knock on my door and tell me to call her. My Mom also "friended" a few of my friends on Facebook, just to check up on what I'm doing with them. Often, she will say, "How did you go to the movies with her? I saw on Facebook that her daughter was sick." So, I told my friends to delete her.
So, yeah, my Mom hasn't talked to me in over a week because she thinks I'm lying about not going on a date.
Re: I feel like my life is falling apart.
Your mom. Wow. I think it's probably a good thing that she hasn't spoken to you in a week. I don't know that this is all that bad....
If someone were like that w/ me - I think I'd be pulling away from them. She constantly judges you and/or doesn't listen? I'd stop telling her about my life and I'd stop worrying about trying not to make her upset. Let her text/call/ etc. Dont' answer until you're ready to answer.
I realize she's your mom and I think we all, at some point, defer to our parents. But I don't know that now, as a grown adult who isn't being treated as such, you need to defer to her. You don't need her approval. Try to take back some of that power.
She judges you? "Thanks for your opinion mom. I have to go now. Bye" and hang up. She peppers you w/ questions. "I'm not going to talk about this right now. I have to go. Bye.". She ignores you and blathers on about her wedding? As soon as you can, get off the phone.
And while easier said than done - (and maybe you need some outside help with this), realize that your mom isn't going to be the confidant that you seem to want her to be.
Good luck. I'm sorry things are rough for you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Even if you went out for a good old fashioned gangbangin that is none of her damn business.
i would ask your friends, privately, to hide their posts on FB from her. you dont have to go into great detail but if they're any kind of friend and you tell them that you're trying to work through some issues with her and you'd appreciate them hiding the posts i'm sure they would. defrending would be insulting to her and you'd be putting them in the midle doing that and it's not fair.
as for her calling the neighbor i'd flat out ask the neighbor to not answer the phone when she calls AND to tell your mom to stop calling the neighbor to check u p on you. how intrusive!!!!
re: her calling you and accusing-you dont have to answer the phone and you dont have to disucss where you were or who you were with with her. i think you did the right thing by answering her honestly when you told her you were out with a ffriend but the way she responded was totally out of line. if it happens again i'd flat out tell her 'mom if you dont believe me and accuse me of lying i will not discuss anything like this with you again'. and DO it!
Sounds good that she has not talked to you in a week. If she is the one thinking she is punishing you for not putting up with her intrusive behavior then consider it a gift. She does have a point about getting yourself together before dating, but it is still not her business.
Oh, stop rethinking your stbx you were right to get rid of a liar and a cheat. Keep a good relationship for your children, but other than that don't consider him husband material.
Block her on fb when you post on friend's wall if your friend won't defriend her.
I basically told my Mom that I'm 29 years old, an adult, and I don't need to tell her everything. I need my privacy, and she doesn't have to know everything I'm doing, including if I'm dating someone. I told her that it's unfortunate we can't have an open and honest relationship as adults, but maybe that would come in time.
She also said, "If you are seeing someone, you better not bring him around your children, I sure hope you're not that STUPID!" She talks to me like I'm in high school and I'm in trouble.
She started off the conversation with, "I feel like there is a train coming your way and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I'm going to give you my opinion and I want you to listen to it."
I also feel like my Mom is one of the reasons my marriage ended. In additon to my STBX being unfaithful and abusive to my children, she was VERY intrusive to my marriage.
You've said it to her - now follow through w/ action!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Sounds like she also wants to be very intrusive in your divorce as well. Here's the thing - she calls your house, she calls your cell, then she peppers you with text messages - and then you call her. BINGO. You just taught her that all she needs to do is ramp-up the crazy and she'll get your attention. It worked.
It is pure nonsense for you to call her back and say is there something that you need in the middle of your night out. WHY are you asking her persmission to not be completely available to her?
When the neighbor knocks on your door to tell you to call your mother, do you? I'm sure it's an exaperated 'Don't do that mother!" sorta call, but you do call, right? And now she's punishing you by ignoring you? Why aren't you ignoring her? You took abuse and have a awful lot of self doubt about your relatoinship with your ex, AND you take the same abuse and manipulation from your mother and have self doubt. Connection, maybe?
I think you need to think very clearly about what role you want your mother to have in your life. ECB is right, she is not going to be a supportive confidant. She's needs you to need her and she'll keep you weak and desperate to get it.
Honestly, I can only commend you for letting your life fall apart. Good for you. It has already brought you peace and good communication with your ex, the co-parent of your children - and it has given you much-needed distance from an intrusive, negative mother. Thank g*d your life is falling apart. It's the best way to re-build it to be better.
When she says this, you are perfectly within your right to say, "I don't want your opinion. Now stop or I am hanging up." Her not talking to you seems like more of a blessing than anything. She's friended your friends and checks in on you through your neighbors? That's called stalking/harassment. Ask your friends to block her. Ask your neighbor to ignore her calls. Your mother is a very controlling, toxic person. Be thankful she is out of your life.
Do not start re-thinking your divorce. Your STBXH was abusive and cheated. Those behaviors don't change. Work on building a new, healthy life without these two toxic people in it.
I think the reason you ended up in an abusive and controlling marriage is because of the relationship you have with your mother.
Please retain a skilled therapist to help you to learn to set effective boundaries in your life.
Your life is not falling apart. It is simply in flux. Transitions suck, and you're in the middle of one, but it'll be over soon and you'll be at the beginning of a wonderful part of your life. He's being nice for whatever reason, but don't confuse nice with good. They're not the same thing. And the fact that he has not hurt you lately, because he has not had the opportunity, does not make things ok.
As for your mom, well. I can see why you married an emotionally abusive and unfaithful dh, in order to replicate your primary relationship from your family of origin. Your mom is a no-boundaries, cruel, unkind bittch and you are losing the arguments she raises the moment you engage in them. This is not about whether or not you get to date, it's about whether or not she gets to even raise the question with you. So far, you've told her sure, she gets to raise the question with you. Time to big girl panty-up and tell her to mind her own business, and mean it.
A HUGE ditto here. You are being abused by your mom...no wonder you chose someone who was abusive. Please see a therapist who can help you distance yourself ASAP.