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Family stuff (a bit venty) - kids/"stepgrandparents"/etc
So at the Super Bowl party we had a "run in." I'm just ... well, venting a little, but also concerned.
Back story: My mom is super sweet, super nice, extremely well meaning, but extremely overbearing. In all areas of life. For example, my mom comments on and/or "likes" everything I post on Facebook, unless I specifically hide it from her. Her over-involved, hovercraft nature was a problem for me throughout high school and one guy broke up with me because of her. We've been able to keep a healthy distance lately, except on FB.
My dad, god bless him, is the exact opposite. Laid back, easy to get along with, doesn't care about getting into everyone's business, etc. You'd think after 32 years he'd rub off a little on Mom.
Anyway, E is a really high energy kid, and he can be pretty destructive in his play. Their house is appropriately toddler-proofed. Keeping up with E is a full time job and can be exhausting. He is either sleeping, or going 150%. Often, Matt will avoid bringing E into social/public situations that are unfamiliar because it's just easier. He can't enjoy the event AND keep up with E, so we either don't go, or E stays with Grammie and Poppa.
Yesterday we went to my parents' beautiful, brand-new-wood-floors, completely non-toddler-proofed house for the Super Bowl. For the first quarter E was great - ate his food, cheered for the game and got excited about every single play, etc. But then he got bored with football as a toddler is bound to do and wandered off to explore. Matt followed, to keep an eye on him, and pretty soon I heard the sounds of E trying to destroy things and M disciplining him. Nothing was broken or damaged, but E was getting out of hand and M was trying to reign him in, essentially had him in time out on the couch in the other room.
Then I saw my mom hauling out her bag of kiddo toys she has collected for when E visits and sneaking off to find them.
"You need to give them a minute," I told her.
She shook her head, gave me a look that clearly said "you're crazy, I'm going to do what I want," and kept walking, ignored me again, interrupted them and started taking out toys for E ... WHILE MATT IS TRYING TO DISCIPLINE HIM. She raids time out and springs the prisoner and turns him loose with toys. What the?! No!! That's not your child, it's not your place, that's not okay! I know my boyfriend and his son far better than she does, why on earth does she think she shouldn't listen when I say "now is not the time."
I get that my mom thinks because she successfully raised 3 kids to adulthood, and we were at her house, she could do that, but she is not correct. Matt had to tell her to please back off and not try to parent his parenting, so of course that was tense, I was frustrated with her because she didn't listen when I tried to run interference, it was just really uncomfortable, and I have visions of these situations continuing and me coming to dread spending time with my family of origin and my developing new family at the same time. 
I adore my family of origin, but Mom's shenanigans need to go, and she doesn't respond well when asked to back off in any area of life. She gets butthurt and says she feels misunderstood.
If you got through all that, standing ovation. I don't even really have a question, I guess. One of my girls on TIP summed it up well, tell Mom to knock it off or we won't be visiting. I don't want to have to avoid family time with them because of this. Argh.
Re: Family stuff (a bit venty) - kids/"stepgrandparents"/etc
I agree with Megan-- I think Dad needs to help run interference. Just because nothing bothers him, doesn't mean that he has no reason to interfere and help manage Mom.
And I think that it is really important that you continue to back up Matt and his parenting-- that will be the difference between Mom getting in the way of your relationship with Matt or not. As long as the two of you are a united front, you'll be able to work together to figure it out, especially if you end up having to limit some of the time you spend with Mom...
Hang in there and vent any time-- I totally understand the need for that!
Sounds like a very, very familiar situation here
). I won't go further than that because I'm paranoid posting personal stuff online, but let me just tell you you're in good company with the entire situation!
You all did the right thing, and my gut tells me that there will be more "situations" like this in the future. Sometimes no matter how right you are, they literally don't hear it and will repeat the same thing over and over and over again until you're crazy. You either learn to live with the annoying behaviors or live without them, which is really sad. Hopefully she'll listen more in the future, but just know that if she doesn't, she's also in good company with someone I know!!
Jake blowing out the candle at Katie's coming home party
Katie Belle
Kristen, Chad, Jake, Katie & Sadie the Wonderdog, est. 6/17/06
The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware; joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware. -Henry Miller
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All of this. I'm sorry your mom was being difficult yesterday. :-(
Great advice already given. Just stay strong with him. I'm still a wimp sometimes with MIL, but there are times when she wants to enter in with a toy or something of that nature and I'm like "I got this" and she backs off. Although, I get a condescending "oh, oopsy, I didn't mean to do anything" which totally continues to distract DD. On a different note though, if they are welcoming and have toys for the little dude, then tell Matt to try to enjoy a little and not worry. Toddlers are toddlers. I'm calling the pot black here, definitely, but I do realize that sometimes I worry more about DD than I need to and I don't enjoy things as much
This crossed my mind after I posted. Not like he needs to change his parenting style, but I imagine that parents tend to try to keep their kids more in line at other people's houses because you don't really know what to let them do. Maybe your mom was just trying to show them that their house is a fun, welcoming place. IDK. Not that that makes it okay. I'm just trying to be diplomatic.
This is definitely what she was doing, which made me feel worse - she just doesn't know E well enough to know that when Matt is trying to get him to settle down, it's because serious destruction will occur if he doesn't. We just need to establish boundaries, and figure out the balance ... which we can't do if we don't spend time with them, so I'm sure this won't be the last tense moment we have. I just hope we can work it out. My mom wants SO BADLY to be involved in E's life, she just needs to understand how to approach the situation, I guess.
Maybe it would help if she knew that it was okay to offer toys and such-- but only AFTER Matt has had a chance to do what he needs to do with E first, be it talking, having some "down time" in timeout, whatever. And also if she thought to approach Matt first, quietly, in an aside where E can't hear her so she's not undermining Matt even if it's unintentional...??
I know that sometimes I get very enthusiastic about something and my impatience gets the better of me and it all comes out wrong, so it's helpful to have someone reign me in nicely.