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WWYD? sister-mother-BF-triangle (long, sorry)
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How should I forgive my mother, express concern for my sister and apologize if family members were involved?
Background: My older sister & mother are codependent. My extended family and mother all live on the same street surviving like an independent ecosystem.
Sister: is currently age 30, still living at home and has been on a downward spiral of low-self esteem and undiagnosed depression since age 22. Quit school, her job and slept till noon for 3 years till she ran out of $ . 1st intervention: About 6 months into this destructive behavior, I expressed concern for sis's behavior. In turn, both my sis and mom were immediately defensive. My sis retorted, ?It is my life to F* up.? My mother resented that I questioned my sister?s behavior. So I backed off? Sister?s new boyfriend (BF): My sister, drunk, tells me to treat some guy I?ve never met ?like sh*t.? I?m confused because she?s dating someone overseas in Iraq. Later, I find out my sis got fired from her job because she got caught having sex with new BF while she was working. BF may still be married (with 3 kids: my sister ?never wants children?) and/or may have another girlfriend. Sis decides to move in with new BF. He is rude to my sis, 1 month after moving in together, while sister is at work, he moves all his belongings out of apt and leaves her dealing with the contractual 1 year agreement. This is the same day I had plans with my mother and sister to come with me to look at and purchase my wedding dress; they say they can?t make it because mother has to help sister move out (sister cannot afford a U-Haul). I offer assistance, they say no, ?Go buy your dress? so I do so by myself.
I tell sis I am worried about her relationship with new BF. She says they are broken up. I preemptively tell her I do not want him at my upcoming wedding. She says this is not a problem because they are broken up. The day before my bridal shower I call sister and BF grabs phone away from her asking why he cannot be in my wedding; BF gets arrested for harassment/impersonating police officer; BF is banned from mother?s house for over a year; *BF impregnates sister and makes her get an abortion.
Mother: * is Eucharistic minister, was mad at me and husband for not being married in a catholic church emphasizing the sacrament of marriage, constantly asks me when I plan on having a baby because she so badly wants to be a grandmother, but drives sister to abortion clinic and believes BF is a bigger man for being by her side.
X-mas: mother comes to my house; says she ?hates? sis's BF. Promises BF will not be at X-mas. We say if he is there, we will leave. She says she understands and respects our decision. She will have a conversation with both sis and BF and let us know what day he will be over. We go over for x-mas, have a wonderful time for ~4hours, then BF shows up, so we respectfully say our goodbyes to family. Mother is devastated we left. Mom's fianc? tells me that my mother knew BF was coming over but never had a conversation with sis. Now mother is demonizing me as an unsupportive sister to my entire family.
WWYD?
Re: WWYD? sister-mother-BF-triangle (long, sorry)
Honestly- if their relationship is that codependant, the rest of the family sees this and they are probably rolling their eyes behind her back. I'm sure there are other people thinking "good for ksahlsberg!".
I would just keep myself as removed as possible from your sister's life. What you did at Christmas was perfect. You told your mom you would leave, and you did. Now your mom knows that you mean what you say.
I realize this is your family and your life, but there is just nothing here that makes me think "OMG!!!". You know their deal - I'd just expect nothing from them and not rely on them.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Not that this is important but how is it an intervention if nobody seem to agree with what the problem is? ( I expressed concern for sis's behavior. In turn, both my sis and mom were immediately defensive) Aren't interventions usually things discussed ahead of time with everyone, and they agree on the problem and then go confront the person?
Sounds like you have a messed up family. There is not much you can do. I'd stay civil with your sister and your mother, be as nice as you can. You've already told them what you think, you're not going to change them, they'll have to figure out things on their own.
I'd keep him out of the conversations since talking about him will do no good. If she brings him up let her know that "sorry, you know how I feel about him, can we talk about something else" and change the subject.
About your mother, this one is more difficult. She's in a tough spot too. Try to understand that she's probably also worried about your sister. but keep doing what you're doing and just let her know that you can't support the relationship. Honestly I don't see why you can't go to a family event that he shows up to. He's not abusive is he? He cheated on her and left her correct? and then she went back with him? That's her decision, you don't have to speak to him but I see no reason to leave unless he's saying things that are disrespectful to you?Ultimately though, It's up to you if you want to leave when BF is present.
Your mom is going to say whatever she wants afterwards I wouldn't fight with what she's telling others. You can be supportive to your sister without supporting one of her life choices. Just be the better person. Let them know what you think, and then leave it for them to decide for themselves.
it seems like you are blaming a lot on BF. he impregnates sister and makes her get an abortion. No. htey had (probably) unprotected sex together and she agreed to have an abortion.
dont expect people to change. they rarely do. live your own life and let them live theirs. sometimes there's nothing you can do.
Remove yourself from their lives if you can. If you feel it necessary go for Christmas or Thanksgiving (maybe not both). If BF remains then quietly remove yourselves (as you did). You can love your mom and your sister at a distance.
You have a new life with your husband and other priorities. You can't spend your time wringing your hands over the drama that your mama creates. If she feels that you aren't being supportive then she is partially correct. You don't have to support the crazy or the maladjusted. You can love them, but you don't agree with their choices.
Send them some letters or cards every now and then. Or email. I would not present myself back into their lives until something has changed. Its hard, but honestly you will benefit much more.
illblkdress:
It was a mini-intervention in that, I had my concerned cousin and my then-fiance there with me the first time I talked to my mom and sis. My mom also told me in private that she was worried about sis's behavior, but when confronted head-on mom will refuse what she said. Sis can do no wrong.
And you're right, she's my only sister I don't agree with her life choices but that doesn?t mean I?m not being supportive. I?ve already said my $0.02 and I know I?m never going to change anything. She is smart and capable and I hope she will figure her life out.
Kind of tough to distance myself when mom continues to harass me
(I try to not speak with her for about a month, the day before I leave for my honeymoon she shows up wanting to have a confrontation, believing she did nothing wrong. Husband gets pissed: he felt violated because she came over when she knew he wouldn't be home and then leaves her a pretty angry voicemail, of which my mom then replays to the entire family to yet again demonize us. I have it out with her, go on my honeymoon and continue to not speak with her, then she blasts me with e-mails, letters and texts telling me she loves me. I say, "You are family. I love my family." And she's insistent on having dinner with "just me" when I'd prefer to have it out with my whole family so we're all on the same page...not sure if that would be damaging or helpful...at this point I don't care anymore)
At some point, though, in this harassment, she's getting what she wants. You don't talk to her? Well- she wants you to talk to her! So you "having it out" with her is giving her what she wants. And your DH calling her and leaving a nasty message? Now she has more ammunition!
I know it's easier said than done, but you have to NOT give in. Let her show up and confront you. Don't open the door or don't let her in, or grab your keys and leave. She yells - let her. Dont' respond. Don't "get into it".
Ignore her emails, calls, texts.
Say no to her dinner requests - and why do you need to "have it out" w/ your entire family? There seems to be a fair amount of dysfunction. I don't know that you're going to be able to rationalize with them - so don't try.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Tough, not impossible.
She's your mom, she's got your number. You even said it - she "demonized you" to the whole family. Really? You're a demon becuase SHE replayed an angry phone message to everyone. Come on, she knows it bothers you and gets to you. Heck, I know it gets to you. She caused that. Her whole MO is ramping-up the contact to force you to comply. Yeah, its tough to distance yourself, not impossible.
She's doing this because it works.
Thanks guys,
You've been super helpful. It's nice to get a different perspective!