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I finally freaked out on my mom re my sister
On Sunday night I got mad and told my mom that there was no reason that my sister couldn't pick her up from work (because, and I quote, "she doesn't do anything all goddammmnn day"), and I very sarcastically commented how lucky it was that her anxiety wasn't getting in the way of her trip. Then I stormed off to bed.
In the morning on our way to work we didn't speak, then just before we went in she said something that she said was meant as an apology, but I took it as a guilt trip. Then while we were walking to the gym I started crying and couldn't stop, so I skipped working out and just had a shower while sobbing and didn't speak to my mom for the rest of the day.
After not speaking again on the car ride home (this was all me. my mom is not immature and she would have talked about it, but oh well), my mom dropped me off at home and then just drove away without saying a word. I went in and called BF and told him the story.
So my mom came home and I kind of freaked out. I was crying hysterically and told her that she's always enabled my sister and always went along with what was easiest in regards to my sister, even if it was to the detriment of me and my brother. My sister is the most difficult when she doesn't get her way, so my mom let her have her way to avoid dealing with her.
My mom owned up to all of it. She knows that she does it but she is so sad so my sister and her pathetic life (though I told my mom that my sister chooses to be how she is. There plenty of people with mental illness who live regular lives).
Anyway, the resolution is that it's going to change. After much, much crying on her part and mine, the decision was made that my sister needs to get a life. I am holding my mom to this and told her flat out that if they don't change then this is a conversation we will be having again. My sister has ruled our lives and I am done with it, and my mom gets it.
It was a baaaad few days, but I really feel like things will change for the better and I will be holding my mom accountable for how she deals with my sister.
In less crazy news, I booked a flight to go see BF in May. Wheeeee 
!!!!!
Re: I finally freaked out on my mom re my sister
I'm glad you and your mom were able to talk about it and I hope some positive does come out of it.
Yay for your trip! : )
I'm so sorry. I kind of know what this is like. My ILs are the same exact way about my manic-depressive, bipolar SIL. DH and I recognize she has serious problems, but she is also manipulative and plays things to her advantage because she knows my ILs will give in to whatever she wants, even when it hurts everyone else. We all had Thanksgiving dinner at a really random time one year because it was what was convenient for SIL, even though DH and I flew in for T-day and were quite sad T-day dinner had to happen while our daughter was sleeping.
It's great that your mom owned up to it. I hope she makes a real effort to make amends for the situation going forward.
I really, really hope this is true! I'm glad your mom has the ability to see reality. That surprises me a bit, actually.
How did your sister handle it? Or is she being "eased into" the idea of getting a life?
She gets home from her trip tonight, so we shall see.
The problem is that this has been going on since I was 16, and 12, and 9. Enough is enough.
I can respect your opinion on this, but I completely disagree. If my mom hadn't been receptive then I would have had to think about where to go from there, but she was so I can only hope that it was a conversation worth having.
I get your frustration, I have a sister that is coddled and enabled and although she's 20 she's not living very independently and hasn't been expected to - but it's a life that my parents are leading with her and it works for them. I don't live there so it doesn't effect me other than a bit of frustration here and there.
I don't think I know too much of the backstory to this but from recent memory it sounds like you have to juggle shared transportation with your mother as a price of living with them for free and having access to this transportation, but your price of living under their roof and your sister's price is different. It's not fair, but things rarely are and I wouldn't imagine that my parents would treat my sister and I the same if we were living under one roof simply because our capabilities are different, I guess.
My sister just got kicked out of school because of her poor academics (due to anxiety) and isn't able to work right now (because of anxiety). She's also not able to drive (anxiety) but was totally a cool cucumber when planning and obsessing about her upcoming trip to Disneyworld with her friends. So yeah, I get the frustration, but I keep my mouth shut because it won't do anybody any good for me to get involved in something that quite frankly, doesn't effect me.
Hopefully you'll be back on your feet soon and won't have to deal with it any more.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Honestly I think this is a two fold issue.
One is that you have major issues at home with your sister. The family needs to deal with this, period. It should have been dealt with a long time ago because it's unhealthy both for your sister and the rest of the family. The fact that you live at home means that it affects you too. Your concerns and frustrations are completely valid in this respect.
On the other hand, you're living in your parents home and if you don't like something then perhaps you should move out. I understand where Blushing is coming from saying this, but as someone who has also recently moved home, it's easier said than done so I see where you're coming from. Sure if you don't like it you can move out, but you moved home because of convenience and to get your life in Canada together before figuring how what to do next. You're fortunate enough to have a home to go to and if your parents are anything like mine and say, "My home is your home" then you do have a right to voice your concerns.
Living at home after a period of living away often makes a person regress into the person who they were when they lived there previously. When I first moved back home (after leaving XH) I too had trouble adjusting. You're stuck between the teenager you were when you left (or younger self) and the autonomous adult you've become. To be honest, you do sound a little immature and whiny but it is par for the course. While your sister may be able to help you out with rides and such, its not her job to cater to you just because you moved back --but this doesn't mean that you need to move out just because you don't like what your sister is doing to the family.
I am happy to hear that since you've voiced your concerns your family has been receptive. Family dynamics are tough, especially when you're thrust into them due to an unfortuante situation.
Well I guess I'm coming off as immature. But I'm seeing this as if it were no different than if my sister were a drug addict. If her drug addiction had been affecting my and my family's life for years because my parents were enabling it, I would have no problem telling my mom about it.
Whether I live at home or not, I don't think I'm out of line for talking to my mom about an issue that affects us as a family.
Absolutely. And affecting your sister personally.
I'm thinking long term here (decades into the future) but your sister's gravy train isn't going to last forever. Who will buy and cook her meals, do her laundry, and shelter her when your parents are gone? Again I said decades here. Life will not be rosy for her when her support system is gone, as she has clearly alienated everybody around her.
A dose of reality while she's still in her 20's isn't going to hurt anybody. Particularly if your parents would like their retirement years to be somewhat relaxing.
If I recall correctly, you've had issues with your sister since well before you moved back home.
I'm one to talk to my parents about issues, too. I don't have any siblings. Still, I will discuss things as silly as not wanting my parents to go to my crazy, evil cousin's house for the holidays or more serious as my mom's relationship with her sister. But, I still talk to them about those relationships, whether they involve me personally or not. I even get mad at them for things that continually happen and they let happen even though they get upset about it. The one thing that can be frustrating to me is that they indulge me in the discussions (sometimes they even start it) but things don't really change.
You're not out of line at all. Personally I don't know how you were able to deal with this for so long. I think it's great that you're trying to help the family out like this.
I do think it's immature to insist that you sister should be changing her schedule (albeit a schedule for sitting on the couch being anxious about nothing) around for you though. The way you said it in a previous post made you sound pretty entitled.
Ya it's probably pretty petty, but I resent that I have to pay for parking when my mom and I are driving to the exact same place in 2 different cars, so that I am able to go to the second job I have (which I have to make money to better my life), while she sits and does nothing. All day. And it would be me taking the car to my second job (because I can't get there any other way) while she picked up my mom.
This is also coming on the back of her telling me (not asking) that sometimes I would have to drive her to the hospital for appointments so I could wait in the car so she doesn't have to pay to park when she's only going to be there for 25 minutes.
So ya, it's petty and I have massive amounts of resentment. But she does nothing of value, ever, and it's gross.
Ok, your sister is a pig, carry on. I'd be flipping mad as well. ((hugs))
I'm not familiar with the backstory but the fact that you were able to talk about it with your mum is a dfinite positive, if only so she knows how you feel.
I do agree though that, as frustrating/unfair as it can appear, your parents' relationship with your sister is essentially their problem. It obviously affects you more being right in the middle of it but I wouldn't be too involved in it as it's their choice.
To be honest, I worry about your feelings if despite this conversation things don't change. There's a point where you're going to have to let go of it and take care of n?1, no matter what your parents do with your sister.
Hugs.
It does come off as immature in one sense, but family has a way of pushing buttons and making people crazy! I'm so glad your mum listened to you and her admitting that she is partially to blame had to have been incredibly validating! When one person is screwing up the family dynamic, whether or not you are living with the family, it is definitely something that deserves to be addressed! Go you! I hope you get to see some changes soon.
PS Yay for your trip in May! You have to be over the moon about it and counting the days until May gets here