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A baby on my own... don't hold back ETA: long sorry
I would like to preface by saying that I plan on taking the next 11+ months deciding this, consulting in great detail with my therapist, my minister and my family, but I love the advice and different view points you all give.
I started more heavily considering the option after my therapy session last week. She asked if I could remember the first thing I ever wanted to be when I grew up. It took me no time at all to respond to her that I wanted to be a mommy for as long as I can remember. She smiled with me and nodded in agreement, as I've brought up the subject before, and asked if there was anything else I ever wanted to be. I said I also wanted to be a teacher. She pointed out the very obvious idea that they both involved children and we discussed my love for my friends' children and being involved with the children's hospital and my work with my church nursery when I was young and nannying for families while in school, etc.
I've been thinking that I might consider becoming a mother on my own. Even though I've only been apart from my XH just shy of 2 1/2 years, I feel after coming out of the XBF situation and going on very few dates in between that and online dating seems like a wash thus far, that my standards and wants from a partner are too high. I refuse to settle and I have a family history of fertility problems past the age of 23. I'm six years past that point now and realize that I may have already waited too long and would like to make a decision by my 30th birthday in January of next year for fear of waiting any longer than that. If I unexpectedly meet someone from now until that time then great, but I don't want to put all my proverbial eggs into a quite possibly non-existent basket.
I have had conversations with two male friends who are each willing to make it happen in very different ways. One is gay and he would want to co-parent; we would go through the expensive process of medically impregnating me, raising the baby together but living separately. He lives in the town where I recently moved and currently reside and has family in the NE. I see myself eventually either moving near my family either 5 1/2 hours east or back to my hometown near my mom and brother and friends 4 1/2 hours north. Travelling would be something we would obviously work out along with other major details prior to making our decision to get pregnant.
The other option is a really close friend who lives where I have family 5 1/2 hours east. We have known each other since I was about 9 years old. He has two beautiful children with his ex, but would be uninvolved with the baby. I would handle the upbringing, expenses, responsiblities, etc. all on my own. I will discuss in therapy the impact this would have on a child later in life when they question why they don't have a daddy. I know women choose donor sperm on a more regular basis now and this would essentially be the same. I also realize more children are being born to dead-beat dads who are uninvolved. No one would know he was the father, we would attempt to get pregnant naturally and I most likely would tell friends and family that I went through a donor process. It would be less expensive and without medical intervention, unless of course I find out that I am in fact already infertile.
I know having two involved parents is ideal, but I don't want to miss out on the opportunity of being pregnant and having a baby. I think that would be the biggest disappointment of my life, not having a child. I make very good money, have great benefits and would have the emotional support of friends and family along with very positive male influences very much involved in the baby's life.
I just want your opinion or if this hits close to home or if you have experience with this situation.
People are placed in and taken out of our lives for a multitude of reasons. My faith has me looking upward so I might stay on my path, forward to reach my future and to either side for the ones to walk near me on my journey.
Re: A baby on my own... don't hold back ETA: long sorry
Do it, but go through a sperm bank. Don't make things more complicated by involving people that you have a pre-existing relationship with.
We're kind of going out.
Honestly you're still so young that I'd hate for you to have to give up the option of having a two parent family with a future H just because you're 30 now. I'm sure the moms on here will tell you that no matter how much they love their kids, being a single parent is very difficult.
Are you in therapy? I feel like you're coming off this breakup thinking that you're never going to find someone. This means that you're really not ready to date and really, really not ready to make huge life decisions like having a baby alone. I'm glad you're exploring options in your head, but think you're jumping the gun here.
I'm a single mom. It is hard. Think long and hard before you do this by choice at such a young age.
I know you said there is a family history of fertility problems past 23 and you are 29, but you are still SO SO young. My mom had major fertility problems and a historectomy (sp?) at 30. I didn't have my ds until I was 31 ... and I had no problems getting pregnant. I got pg on the first try. I'd talk with a ob/gyn about how likely it is that you will experience the same problems your mom had.
Also, I know that when my marriage ended, I told my parents that I was thinking of a having another child on my own if I hadn't met someone I wanted to have a child with by the time I was 40. So I totally get wanting to do this. I understand the desire to be a mother and the willingness to do it without a father in the picture. But I still think you are jumping the gun here.
As I sit here and mull all this over - I'll give you my short answer.
If you want to have a child, I'd go w/ the donor sperm route. And I mean the REAL donor sperm route. Not the "close friend" route.
I just feel that either of those 2 scenario's leave a LOT of unknowns/what ifs and too many grey areas where problems could arise.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Wow what a big decision. I commend you for being so brave to consider this on your own, but I agree with pp that perhaps you should consider holding off for a little. 5 years goes by in an instant and can make a world of difference in where you are today and where you will be then.
I also agree that if you decide to move forward, consider a sperm donor versus someone you have a relationship with. Once secrets get out (and they will) it can make things more complicated.
Best of luck, whatever you decide.
I think the sperm bank is the best option.
The first idea you presented, regarding co-parenting with your gay friend could raise problems, for the simple fact that co-parenting IS difficult. It's definitely not ideal, even under the best of circumstances and I think it could raise a lot of potential problems.
The main issue I see with your friend is the idea that basically you want him as a sperm donor and he's going to oblige, with none of the attachment. How do you know he/you or BOTH won't get emotionally involved when it comes to the simple process of creating the baby (ie, sex drums up emotions, even if you don't think it will). Then when/if you do get pregnant, what if he decides he wants to be involved. I find it hard to believe that, as a father already, he'd be able to just look upon the child with complete detachment like that. Definitely easier said than done.
I knew I would get honest answers here. Thanks all. I guess my first step will be following through with having my eggs harvested. My gyno recommended, and I've read several studies, about having it done prior to age 30. Perhaps this will help delay my feeling like I need to make a decision and be pregnant sometime next year.
You all are right; I guess I like the idea of the two options I mentioned above because I know them and I feel like I know what I'm getting. A donor seems so scary to me because it's someone I will never meet or have had a conversation with or know about him. It just seems intimidating to me, but I agree that it would be the most reasonable option without relationships getting in the way.
Thanks again.
But I feel like it will give you the freedom to be the mom of your child w/o having to worry about anyone else, and it allows you to be 100% upfront about the circumstances w/o feeling like you have to hide anything.
Good luck. I dont' know the details around it, but a cousin of my DH just announced she's PG w/ twins. She's 40, wants kids, and... well, she's doing it on her own!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You should be going with a sperm donor. "Co Parenting" does not mean you get to move wherever you feel like when you feel like. He could file for custody and stop you from taking the child with you, and if he's attached to this kid, likely would. And what about child support? What about if you die, who gets the kid? Each of them would be first to get the child, no question, since they are the fathers, unless you terminate parental rights. Is this what you want? You should not be consulting with any doctor on this until you have consulted with an attorney in your jurisdiction on what your rights and responsibilities are in every scenario.
Second, parenting alone is really, really hard. Really hard. Even with all the money etc. You have absolutely no idea how hard.
It's interesting that you post this. Because your option #1 is actually my plan. I'm waiting until I'm 35 to visit this option, and we will likely try to adopt (private) first although I realize given the situation that might be entirely too difficult.
We do however plan to start by living in the same house and then eventually moving to either adjoining condos or adjoining homes. Neither of use would have any plans of moving out of state.
I would do this:
1. Harvest your eggs now or as soon as fiancially feasible. This will put some pressure off of you to make a decision now
2. When you are ready, either use a sperm donor and your eggs OR do adoption. For me, my timeline is that if I am not in a serious relationship by 35/36, I will adopt.
If this is what you want to do, then I think you should do it. I agree with the PP who suggest going through a sperm bank. I also think that if you are going to willingly take on parenting alone you should really make sure your support system is intact.
I have decided that I would try to pursue parenthood on my own, if things don't work out for me with a partner, but that's not something I plan on starting to pursue until I am 36 (in 6 years). Thirty does seem young to give up on the idea of meeting a partner to raise a child with, but if you know that you want to do it, then go for it.
I completely relate to your desire to have a child (even if that means alone), and I've honestly thought thru my options as well. I do think you're pretty young to already be thinking of going it alone though. Do you have a desire to get remarried? If so, I'd consider that - having a child will make dating even more difficult. I also agree with PPs about finding donor sperm - I wouldn't want to involve someone I knew because then the father has certain rights, and it's bound to complicate things. If you're truly concerned about fertility, then think about having your eggs frozen - it would give you some peace of mind. That said, it's a really personal decision - I think you're wise to give yourself a long time frame to decide that you want to do.
My line of thinking: I'm 32, but I also would like to re-marry, so I decided I will wait until I'm at least 36 before I start considering the option of becoming a single parent. I have known fertility problems (PCOS, XH and I tried to get pregnant for 2 years), but I'm very open to adoption, so if at some point I decide to have children on my own, I will probably go that route.
ETA: Have you read the book Three Wishes? As a single lady who really wants kids, I found the stories to be really encouraging.
I think you should do it. Give it the thought and consideration it deserves. I would start saving money now, evenif it is years away, even if you are well off.
I LOVE being a single parent 95% of the time. It is really hard work. There are no sick days, easy vacations or easy trips to the store really.
BUT! This child is worth the extra 30-45mins it takes to get ready in the morning. The nights I have gone without sleep. The random plagues brought home from DC that we have survived, the stretch marks and all of the poop/puke/pee I have cleaned up.
If you do this I would go to a sperm bank. It is the safest route to go legally. Make sure you have a good support system and be realistic about the cost of everything.
I TOTALLY heard about this on NPR recently (they interviewed what I think was the author/main character), but didn't realize it was book! It's a pretty neat story and now I totally want to read the book!!
Thank you everyone. I am definitely giving this lots of thought and lots of prayer! Being a foster mom is definitely something I would consider also!
Becca - you seem like such a good mommy and your DD is adorable! I would literally give up everything I have to be a wife and mommy, so if I end up with only the mommy part of the equation on my own I would still sacrifice everything for my baby. No matter how sleepy I am, or the gross messes I clean up or the "plagues" I have to endure. lol - I love your word-usage there.
Delurking to put in my two cents... and my experience... First, Becca, I agree, your response was so well put... as for being a single mom by choice, I'm choosing this route. I am a bit older at almsot 40 and my husband passed away unexpectedly but I've always wanted to be a mommy so I am choosing to do it on my own. I found the organization single mothers by choice and I've learned so much. There are all sorts of ladies in the organization, all over the country (and other countries), from thinking about doing it, planning to do it, in the process, and people that have children. There are people using known donors and annonymous donors. It's a great group and I'm glad I found it. You (and anybody else considering this) might want to take a look. And, they are not all 40 like me either, there are actually quite a few that are under 35 too.
I didn't see anybody mention this so I thought I would. I don't say too much on here because I'm not on too much during the day or at night, mostly very early in the morning (I'm a morning person). You are a great group of women and so supportive of each other...
I snorted when I read this. Thank you. I know how women get KU'd. I mentioned above that I have already done research and the best time to save eggs is before 30. It's another one of my options should I meet someone within the next year or just decide that I want to delay becoming pregnant for longer than that. It's an option because I am already high risk of infertility, not because I think my eggs must be harvested to become inseminated and/or pregnant.
Thanks, but I don't think I'm going to take reproductive advice from someone who's signature says they are 85 weeks pregnant...