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Family advice - long
Background: My husband and I got married in May of 2010. My older brothers girlfriend was jealous because she wanted to get married but my brother had never asked her so she got "accidentally" got pregnant right after. Their son was born last April. They are not financially capable of raising a child. Ever since then my mom (single parent) has catered to their every beck and call (clothes, babysitting, anything the kid needs) and the baby is all I ever hear about constantly. I am not jealous at all, and am glad she can help them but it just gets to be to much sometimes. My husband and I had planned and are now having our own baby.
Situation: Other then this issue my mom and I used to be very close. A few weeks ago, I asked my mom to go to brunch with my babys godmother and I, she instantly replied - no I have to watch your brothers baby. I didn't give her a date or a time or anything. We ended up in a argument about her not even trying and she pretty much told me to bad. There has been other snippy things that she has said and done since I've been pregnant that have made me feel less important to them as well. I explained to her in a email how I felt, stating that I don't want to feel second best to anyone. I also told her how I don't feel important to her as all she ever talks about is my brother all of the time. Since then (which was a month ago) she hasn't called, emailed back or anything. We used to talk every few days or so. I don't feel like I should contact her because if I was really important to her - she would of replied some how.
Now at this point I feel stuck. With Valentines coming up (Yes, I do love her very much spite this situation) I wish we were talking. This is an exciting time and I always thought she would be such a big part of it. When I brought it up to DH, He replied why would you want to call her now? She hasn't even called to see how you are doing, she clearly doesn't care about you?! Which is sort of how I feel too but I don't want her to miss out on this experience with me even though shes making no effort. I also have my full ultrasound when I found out the babys sex in 2 weeks. I am very excited but again wish she was supporting me. I posted a status update on fb thinking maybe she will see it and realize that she is missing out but still no contact... What would you do?
Re: Family advice - long
You can't make someone care. What she's doing is hurtful- you have every right to express your feelings and it sounds like you did it in a non-threatening manner, especially if you're saying you want her involvement.
I don't agree with your husband- it's your mother and however you want to deal with her- if that means contacting her, it's up to you. And maybe it will help. The thing is, you have to be able to do it without expectations because when you have expectations and someone doesn't live up to them, you get hurt. Maybe you need to feel like you tried with her, but it's also an emotional time for you. You have to recognize that, and think about how you're going to feel if she rebuffs you. For some reason, she seems to be drawing a line in the sand, not accepting your feelings.
Yes, it's her first grandchild, but you're also her daughter going through a special time for you too. You owe it to yourself to make it as stress-free and happy as possible. It sounds like your husband is trying to look out for you and it's easier for him to be objective because it's not his mom, but it's your call how you handle it.
Good luck with this. There is no right answer. You can only continue to say how you feel as maturely and clearly as possible. Just try not to sound accusing when you speak to her and see where it goes from there.
It sounds like she is overwhelmed being a mom to your brother's kid.
You arent second best but if your mom up and abandoned that kid the poor kid would be effed.
hmmm, you kind of sound like you are saying your kid is better or more important because it was planned. I mean, that kind of attitude is pretty crappy. You almost make it sound like your mom should love your kid more.
And I don't get why Valentine's is an important holiday to celebrate with your mom. I barely celebrate it with my H. It's a made up love holiday.
But, if you are hurt, you need to talk with her directly, not try baiting her with FB messages. That just seems so juvenile in a mother/daughter relationship.
Thanks ladies...